Here’s Your New Wonder Woman

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After Christopher Nolan‘s Batman films earned enough money to buy out God’s share in Heaven, and “Man of Steel” also did well, DC decided to press forward with a planned “Batman vs Superman” film (even though Superman would win in, like, under five seconds). That film has a Wonder Woman role, and Gal Godot will be filling it.

Who is Gal Godot? Well, she was Miss Israel in 2004, but she’s best known for being in the fourth, fifth and sixth “The Fast and the Furious” films. She also played a character named Lisa in one episode of “Entourage” and briefly appeared in “Knight and Day” with Tom Cruise. Surely, you remember that.

Godot will be appearing beside Ben Affleck‘s doomed-to-fail Batman and Henry Cavill‘s Superman. And although her previous roles might lead one to assume she was chosen based on how good she looks in spandex, director Zack Snyder is saying she’s actually a good actress:

“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”

And there you have it. Zack Snyder thinks this thing will be great, and he’s the man that brought you “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.” Has he ever lied to you? Have the owls of Ga’Hoole ever lied to you? Will they have cameos? No clue.

“Batman vs. Superman” is slated for release in 2015, when the public can decide whether the filmmakers should have just used stock footage of Lynda Carter. (Yes.)

Katie Holmes Might Want In On This Whole ‘Fifty Shades’ Thing

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Twitter

Since everyone and their mom wants to be in mommy porn now, it only seems right that we get a bullshit casting rumor for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” film every few weeks. This past week was no different, and now it’s allegedly Katie Holmes mulling over stripping down and getting whipped, or whatever it is that happens in those popular pieces of shiterature.

The National Enquirer says Katie is very interested in the role of Elena Lincoln, the ex-friend-with-benefits of Christian Grey who coaches him in the world of kinky, imaginary sex. We’d take it with a grain of salt. Part of the reason for the skepticism, aside from being in the Enquirer, is that their source says:

“She’s looking at this as the role of a lifetime for her. It will shock a lot of people, but she thinks Hollywood will sit up and take notice.”

Role of a lifetime? Some lady with a closet full of dildos and gimp suits? Don’t think so, bro. Nevertheless, the insider says Katie’s been working out to get in shape for the role, and that she’s convinced she’s the girl for them, adding, “She knows she has to reinvent herself.”

Of course, they also say it will piss off ex-husband Tom Cruise, who will probably put Katie on some sort of inter-dimensional hit list. But, hey: Katie Holmes in lingerie can’t be that bad…right?

Tom Cruise Got His Thetans In A Bunch Over Bauer Media

MGM
MGM

Bauer Media are the publishers of Life & Style Magazine, who have been publishing a lot of accusations that Tom Cruise has more or less abandoned daughter Suri. This, of course, was the piece that launched a thousand libel lawsuits. Now RadarOnline has uncovered documents revealing his (and Scientology’s) legal strategy, which basically boils down to yelling “Nazi!” while couch jumping.

In a letter sent from Cruise attorney Bert Fields to Bauer, Fields resorts to some really bizarre ad hominems about how, in the 30s, the German Bauer Media supported the Nazis:

“This relentless defaming of Mr. Cruise and his Church is less surprising now that we have discovered Bauer’s long and disgraceful record of religious hatred any bigotry. “This appalling record goes back to the 30s and 40s, when Bauer Publishing was a fawning admirer of Hitler and the Nazis, publishing glamorous portraits of Der Führer … They also published vicious caricatures of Jews that were so popular in Germany at the time.”

We haven’t checked, but we’re pretty sure whoever was running Bauer Media in 1942 is no longer in charge of day to day operations alive. But whatever. The fact is that up until recently, Bauer produced Der Landser, an icky magazine that was a favorite of skinheads but they still maintain included no overt Aryan propaganda.

Another subsidiary produces pornography such as “Inglorious Bitches,” a bizarre French porn parody of “Inglorious Basterds”from the point of the nazis (which I scoped out for research purposes). It’s not cool.

Regardless, none of this has to do with the validity of the Cruise claims, nor about anything they’ve published about the cult of Scientology (who, by the way, has in the past called people pedophiles just because they were speaking out against them). Fields thinks that Bauer has shifted its editorial bashing, saying: “In the 1930s it was the Jews. Today it’s the Scientologists.” (Riiiight.)

This is a sticky situation all around, and there’s no way to tell whether Bauer – who are clearly under the control of Lord Xenu – will succeed in crushing “Mission Impossible 6.” Stay tuned.