There’s a scene in Peter Weir‘s vastly underrated 1986 adaptation of “The Mosquito Coast” where Allie Fox, played by Harrison Ford, is prattling on about the problems with America. He’s walking with a young aboriginal who doesn’t understand English, but imparts the following knowledge anyway: “There are people in New York who live on pet food and would kill you for a quarter.”
Notice that if you replace “people” with “Taylor Swift fans” the sentence still makes perfect sense.
So the 2014 Golden Globe awards are over, but as per usual, the evening had its share of WTF/holy shit/GIF-able moments because booze. If you missed the show but want to pretend you didn’t, here’s what your friends are probably talking about today.
1. Jennifer Lawrence Videobombed Taylor Swift
Then she joked about pushing her down the stairs, during which Taylor gave a rare shoutout to her haters.
But then we found out JLaw and Taylor are actually pals who text on the regular, and suddenly the whole world made no sense at all.
2. One Network Got a Crash Course in ‘Fun Facts’
During the red carpet show, someone at E! lost their damned minds and flashed this when Michael J. Fox was on camera:
The gaffe quickly became a meme — and E! later issued a mea culpa, saying in a statement, “We regret the insensitive classification of Michael J Fox’s Parkinson’s diagnosis during our Eonline live stream. We understand the serious nature of the disease and sincerely apologize.”
(Still no apology for “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” though.)
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Were Great. (Derp.)
Their second of at least three Globes hosting stints proved their brilliance last year wasn’t a fluke. (But really, anyone familiar with either of them shouldn’t be surprised.) Here are their best bits, courtesy of Vulture.
But if you can’t watch that, this joke is the only one you need:
4. Jacqueline Bisset Seemed Like She’d Be Fun to Party With
Jacqueline Bisset‘s win for Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Miniseries, or Movie for “Dancing on the Edge” was a stunner, but no one was more shocked than she was.
And after a trek to the stage that required GPS, a zip line and at least four Sherpas (srsly, Golden Globes, how’s about next year we put the nominees up front instead of in a trailer in the parking lot), she gave a loopy, rambling speech that immediately made her a trending topic on Twitter.
5. Emma Thompson Became Everyone’s Lord and Savior
Midway through the show, the typically very regal Emma Thompson took the stage to hand out a Globe. But with a martini glass in one hand and her Louboutins in the other, she gave off the air of someone who’d been forced to take a business call in the middle of a party. The number of effs she did not give was beyond measure.
I love her so.
6. Mia and Ronan Farrow Threw Shade at Woody Allen
None of them were even there, but when Woody Allen got a lifetime achievement award (accepted by Diane Keaton because Woody never shows up for these things), his ex Mia Farrow and her son Ronan (who’s also legally Woody’s son but everyone knows he’s actually Frank Sinatra’s kid) had a little something to say about it on Twitter.
Mia took the high road:
Time to grab some icecream & switch over to #GIRLS
On the Emmys red carpet, both ladies mentioned they’d been asked to host again and were going to meet later that very night to discuss it. We were just hoping for one year, but two? Dude. This is like Christmas and your birthday all rolled into one.
“Modern Family” bombshell Sofia Vergara has topped Forbes’ list of the highest paid actresses for a second year in a row, netting $20 million in 2013 — partly by being a Cover Girl spokeswoman or suggestively slurping from cans of Diet Pepsi. (She’s selling soda AND boners.)
“The Big Bang Theory”‘s Kaley Cuoco came in second, maybe because someone realized she’s the only enjoyable thing on the program. Bolstered by her Priceline and Toyota endorsements, she hauled in $11 million.
Mariska Hargitay was No. 3, but since she’s been in the game longer than the other two, I’m thinking it equals out. Also making $11 million now, she’s been solving predictable sex crimes cases on “SVU” for 15 years.
Next is the imitable Tina Fey, raking in $10 million for her run on the erstwhile “30 Rock.”
And rounding out the top five is Bethenny Frankel, who seems to make a nice living by just refusing to go away. These days, she’s getting her own talk show and selling Skinnygirl margaritas to body-conscious alcoholics, which means she’s somehow managed to turn her villain position on “Real Housewives” into a $10 million venture. (Congratulations, America. You did this.)