New Red Band ‘Machete Kills’ Trailer Will Disembowel You [NSFW]

2010’s “Machete” was an odd duck. A throwback to ’70s exploitation pictures, it starred Danny Trejo as the titular assassin going on a rampage of revenge and also featured Lindsay Lohan, Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba and Steven Seagal. It was fun, but suffered from an uneven tone and narrative disjointedness.

Now, Machete’s back — and a brand new red band trailer gives us a sneak peek of the carnage he’ll bring.

This time around the villain is played by Mel Gibson, whose motives are unclear (not that it matters). Michelle Rodriguez is back playing a different character than the first film, Sofia Vergara is a woman who can shoot bullets out of her crotch and breasts, and Charlie Sheen is the President. We also get Vanessa Hudgens, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga and Cuba Gooding Jr. in various roles.

The trailer’s barely over half a minute, but we see multiple people’s intestines get thrown into helicopter blades, sucking them up and dicing them. There are explosions, decapitations, genital mutilation, impalings and Gibson wearing a cape. Holy hell, this looks entertaining.

It seems like everyone involved is having more fun this time around, especially Gibson, who really hams it up. Lady Gaga, too, seems to love getting a chance to revisit that Latin accent she rocked in “Alejandro.”

“Machete Kills” hacks its way into theaters October 11th. Bring a blood poncho.

Here’s the Highest Paid Rack on Television


“Modern Family” bombshell Sofia Vergara has topped Forbes’ list of the highest paid actresses for a second year in a row, netting $20 million in 2013 — partly by being a Cover Girl spokeswoman or suggestively slurping from cans of Diet Pepsi. (She’s selling soda AND boners.)

“The Big Bang Theory”‘s Kaley Cuoco came in second, maybe because someone realized she’s the only enjoyable thing on the program. Bolstered by her Priceline and Toyota endorsements, she hauled in $11 million.

Mariska Hargitay was No. 3, but since she’s been in the game longer than the other two, I’m thinking it equals out. Also making $11 million now, she’s been solving predictable sex crimes cases on “SVU” for 15 years.

Next is the imitable Tina Fey, raking in $10 million for her run on the erstwhile “30 Rock.”

And rounding out the top five is Bethenny Frankel, who seems to make a nice living by just refusing to go away. These days, she’s getting her own talk show and selling Skinnygirl margaritas to body-conscious alcoholics, which means she’s somehow managed to turn her villain position on “Real Housewives” into a $10 million venture. (Congratulations, America. You did this.)

Don’t spend it all at once, ladies.