Robin Thicke’s Dad Thinks He’s Totally the Next Brad Pitt

robin-thicke

Back in the ’80s, Alan Thicke played headshrinker Dr. Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains.” The show ended in 1992, after which he faded away from public view the way God intends all sitcom stars to do. (Look what happened when we let Ashton Kutcher violate God’s law.)

These days Alan is primarily known as “Robin Thicke‘s dad,” but since he sired a son who’s more famous than he ever was, reporters are again sticking mics in his face and asking him to say words. So we get quotes like this (via Us Weekly):

About Robin’s success:
“I’m thrilled for him. I’ve always dabbled in music. If I could have grown up to be Robin Thicke, I would have. But I’m glad somebody in the family did.”

Oh, absolutely. You know who else is glad? Marvin Gaye‘s family. “Blurred Lines” was like a litigious little love note.

About Robin and wife Paula Patton:
“I told him, ‘You’re a power couple now. If you only adopt a few Ethiopian kids, you’d be the next Brangelina.'”

Which is totally true as long as Brad Pitt starts feeling up randos in bars and Angelina Jolie‘s self-esteem plummets to the point where she puts up with that shit. Other than that? TWINSIES.

Nice parenting, Alan. No wonder Kirk Cameron is such a freak.

That Girl Robin Thicke Groped Wants More of Your Attention, Please

Life & Style
Life & Style

After Robin Thicke grabbed Lana Scolaro’s ass during a VMA after party, a huge scandal erupted. (Who would have thought a guy who sings about date rape would use his celebrity to casually molest women who aren’t his wife?) Now she’s saying it was more than an ass-grab — they hooked up.

Lana scored an interview with Life & Style, which we guess will print anything now (take that, Us Weekly!), and she claims Robin’s wife Paula Patton was just a few feet away while he felt her up. And while he supposedly had his hands all over her, he said Paula was “chill” about such things. But it was cool because, you know, blurred lines.

Lana goes on to say all three of them later went to party being held in someone’s hotel suite. “I went to the bathroom, and when I came out he was standing there,” she said. “He turned off the lights so no one could see us, and he started making out with me. He was grabbing me. He was like, ‘I want to get you into bed!’”

So far, so good. We can all see Robin Thicke acting like this. But the story falls apart when Lana reveals the pickup line he allegedly used on her: “I just love the fact that you’re so young.”  (What the hell does that even mean?)

Anyway, the two apparently tried to have sex but “kept getting interrupted” because fancy hotel rooms don’t have doors that lock. So instead they exchanged numbers.

For his part, Thicke’s rep says Lana is “just a girl looking for some attention,” and that Paula and Robin aren’t concerned about her.

In the meantime, Lana killed her Twitter account dead. It must not pay for interviews the way the tabloids do.

The Girl Attached to the Ass Robin Thicke Felt Up Tells Her Story

Robin and Lana, sittin' in an utterly unoriginal tree
Robin and Lana, sittin’ in an utterly unoriginal tree

If you’ve been lying awake nights wondering why the very-married Robin Thicke recently performed a public proctology exam on someone who wasn’t his wife, that girl has now spoken out and solved the mystery. Even if some of her story is clearly bullshit.

Lana Scolaro is described as a “socialite” and has the vacuous, underfed Olsen-twin look required for the title. Her Instagram photos are exactly as trite as you’d expect: Lana with tiny dogs in expensive handbags, Lana partying with other cookie-cutter blondes, and Lana hanging out on tropical beaches.

So as soon as her ass went viral, she promptly did an interview with Celebuzz (home of the Kardashian blogs), because that’s a law for girls like her or something.

She starts out by saying she and Robin met the week before through mutual friends, and then adds:

“I was actually going over to the DJ booth and he followed me. His security guard took the photo and said, ‘you guys make a cute couple.’”

“I knew his hand was on my butt. I posted it on Instagram and didn’t notice the reflection. But someone noticed it and commented … I didn’t think it would cause this much drama. I didn’t know it would be all over everything like this.”

In other words, a famous married guy treated her ass like a stress ball, but no big. Also, Robin’s bodyguard is apparently a 14-year-old girl.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

Grabby Robin Thicke Is Grabby

After the VMAs, everyone was so busy clutching their self-righteous pearls about what a whore Miley Cyrus is (and she totally isn’t because no one would pay for sex with such a lousy dancer) that her partner-in-ewww, Robin Thicke, largely got a pass. Oh sure, a few people were all DUDE YOU’RE A PERV but that’s nothing he doesn’t hear on the regular. So this week was business as usual for him.

Until this photo of Thicke and some New York socialite together at a VMAs after-party made its way around the interwebs, that is.

Robin Thicke lets his fingers do the walking
Instagram

From the front, yeah, they look a little too cozy for him to be a married dude and all, but that’s not why this picture is being passed around like a cold sore at Burning Man. What’s noteworthy is what we can see in the reflection of the mirror behind them — i.e., his hand so far up the back of her skirt it’s kind of a wonder he didn’t leave his pinky ring behind during the extraction.

Forgetting for a moment that this is expected behavior from guys who wear pinky rings (if you’re one of them, resolve not to be), someone found it startling enough that she tweeted the photo above and aimed it at Robin’s wife of eight years, Paula Patton.

But let’s remember their marriage has always seemed, shall we say, “special.” When it comes to their sex life, they’re known oversharers, and there are rumors they swing (or at least that she’s tolerant of his wandering ways).

Which might explain why the NY Post reports that when it comes to the grabby picture, neither half of the couple “is concerned about it at all.”