It’s been a while since we’ve seen a good photobomb. Enter Rihanna.
Bob Saget, John Stamos and Mr. DuplicityDave Coulier appeared on “GMA” this morning to plug their upcoming Super Bowl ad for Dannon Oikos yogurt. Meanwhile, RiRi was there pimping her line of MAC Viva Glam makeup.
But between segments, the “Full House” boys decided to take a selfie (apparently they’re all 16 years old), and that’s when Rihanna stepped in. The result is awesome.
Even if you’re the most ardent Rihanna fan, it’s safe to say she’s not a bastion of dignity or class. So when she visited the United Arab Emirates recently, they decided to let her into Abu Dhabi’s Grand Mosque — because what could go wrong?
What’s the point of adhering to the rules pertaining to covering your head and wearing a head-to-toe ninja jumpsuit (how much do you want to bet there’s some pasties under there?) if you’re going to take sexy photos? And even though there’s been no reports of it, let’s go ahead and start the rumor she stuffed her pockets with bacon, too.
If Rihanna’s going to make religious landmarks her thing, the next logical conclusion is walking around the Crystal Cathedral in a thong once she gets back to the United States. That’s something everyone would enjoy.
Rihanna’s been pretty busy lately (even if she says otherwise). But in between posting naked Instagram photos and wielding penis purses, she managed to shoot a video for “Pour It Up,” and it’s pretty much exactly like you’d expect. Here’s the breakdown.
:03 – Rihanna is standing on Dagobah, the swampy planet on which Yoda took refuge.
:08 – Her shoes have dollar bills on them. Blatant Illuminati shoutout.
:18 – Rihanna has on a Carey Mulligan wig, Mardi Gras nipple tassels and the Incredible Hulk’s ripped up shorts. Okay.
You might think a chick who’s posted hundreds of risque selfies for millions of people to gawk at and routinely blazes blunts the size of wiffle bats wouldn’t describe herself as “square.” But Rihanna has apparently partied so much and so hard that she’s looped all the way back around to boring.
She and her completely mundane penis purse dropped by Alan Carr‘s British TV show “Chatty Man” on Friday, where she regaled him with metaphorical tales of early nights and Hallmark Channel movie marathons.
“Recently I’ve become a square. I hate partying,” she said. “I don’t know if it’s my heels — I don’t like standing in my heels for hours. I don’t know if it’s that, but I’ve been so bored of it … [Maybe] it’s because it’s the same music every night … Maybe we need some more DJs.”
Oh, and if you see tumbleweeds, they probably came from her dry, dusty lady parts. She hasn’t had sex in “ages.”
“I am such a bootleg rock star. I do nothing, literally,” she sighed. “I’m embarrassed to say that actually. That’s so disgusting. That’s fucking pathetic.”
Then Alan made fun of Rihanna’s mullet and all was right with the world again.
Professional victim Chris Brown recently told Jet (via CNN) it’s totes unfair to judge him for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face if you don’t also hold Jay-Z accountable for his own criminal history:
“This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past maybe five years. Anybody with a voice – Tupac, Michael Jackson, the Notorious B.I.G. – gets formatted…except maybe for Jay Z, who is accepted by White America because he shakes hands and kisses babies. No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs. He gets a pass.”
Dude. You don’t get to call a hip-hop legend a sellout and excuse it away by adding “no disrespect, because I’m a fan.” That’s like the shit Southern women pull when they say “bless her heart,” as though that neutralizes the insult. She’s a diseased whore. Bless her heart.
“I identify with Trayvon [Martin] 100 percent as far as living in 2013 and still dealing with blatant racism. This generation is so used to racism that it’s normal; we don’t care. We aren’t on drugs or catching AIDS, but they still look at us as ni**as.”
I like to imagine Chris actually said “ninjas” there. But if not, no big — because when we weren’t looking, he went all Patti LaBelle on us and got himself a new attitude.
“I got to the point where it’s only so much you can take from the master, you feel me? I’ve taken my fair share of lashings. I’ve dealt with the media. Instead of being an artist, I’ve been called a woman beater; I’ve been insulted in public and judged. And being able to not want to kill yourself at the end of the day is what made me say, ‘Fuck it.’”
Designers love Rihanna. And why not? She may be trash, but unlike Miley Cyrus, she’s authentic trash. Girl’s not faking that shit. She earned it. And — in all seriousness — Rih has a smokin’ bod and is freaking gorgeous. It’s no wonder designers want to dress her up like their own little buzzed Barbadian doll.
So there’s your preface for this gift Rihanna got from Vivienne Westwood (known for her punk and new wave sensibilities):
That’s not just any penis purse. That’s a fancy, designer penis purse! And the only thing to do with a fancy, designer penis purse is to take it out on the town. And maybe pretend you grew it yourself.
Normally this is where we’d be all “stay classy, Rihanna!” but we can’t even do that because HOLY HELL SHE’S MAKING A MILEY FACE. On what planet does that dirty naked bumpkin influence HRH Rihanna instead of the other way around? THIS WILL NOT STAND.
Right now there should be a moratorium on exposed celebrity tongues, because since Miley thinks she invented short hair, she’s also prone to believing her marketing team created the first tongue in a lab solely for her.
So roll that thing back in your cakehole, RiRi. We’ll let you know when it’s safe for it to come out again.