Katy Perry Might Be a Serial Killer

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Twitter

Katy Perry is a very difficult pop star to hate. But beneath her beautiful, bubbly veneer must lie some pretty sinister thoughts, because last night at her IHeartRadio album release party (via Gossipcop), she exposed the world to her terrifying secret: She once kept locks of both Miley Cyrus’ and Taylor Swift’s hair in her purse.

“The first time I was at the Grammys, I shared a dressing room with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. I asked for a lock of hair from each. I put little bows around them and put them in my empty purse and carried it around with me.”

So not only was she carrying around locks of hair from these ladies, she was doing so inside an otherwise empty purse. She had a designated hair purse. But at least she knows how that sounds:

“That was really creepy, but awesome. And that’s my secret. And I’m a freak.”

Alright, maybe she isn’t a serial killer. Maybe she’s a voodoo high priestess using the hair samples to control both starlets.  Maybe Katy Perry spends her nights alone in a room forcing her Taylor Swift doll to do weird things that will get her dumped. Like putting jam on meat or licking door knobs.

And maybe Katy Perry was the driving force behind Miley’s VMA performance, laughing maniacally in her dressing room as she made Miley twerk uncontrollably. Or … maybe not.

That said, if we had to be murdered by someone, Katy Perry would be our first choice. Preferably by smothering.

Paul McCartney Is #TeamMiley, You Guys

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If anyone is a good judge of character, it’s Sir Paul McCartney. So when he sat down with Sky News and was asked about Miley Cyrus, we expected some vitriol. But instead of taking the Sinead O’Connor tact of bitching in an endless amount of open letters, Paul just used his trademark Liverpool charm to suggest everyone chill out, saying:

“You know what? I don’t think it was explicit at all. You couldn’t see anything. I watched it. As an experiment…to check.”

He is, obviously, referring to that infamous VMA twerk-fest that had conservative soccer moms prepping for the end times. He then gave what may be the most poignant explanation yet for Miley’s Mileyism:

“She’s a young girl…she’s just having a go. Someone said to me the world that a lot of those people like Miley live in is noise. It’s all noise. And they’ve got to get above the noise. So they’ve got to do something…I think it was only mildly shocking. You know, she’s dancing with Robin Thicke on the awards show. So what? Come on. We’ve seen worse than that.”

And you know what? Paul’s right. We’ve seen worse. Like The Wiggles. But It’s also good to know he hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

Maybe Paul should start hanging out with Miley and get her on the right track. Maybe he’ll inspire her to get her shit together, start really singing again and the two can cut a duet.

Or not.

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Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Justin Bieber, Partially Redeems Herself

Last night was, as we all know, “Bangerz” Eve – the night before Miley Cyrus‘ new album dropped and her months-long media blitz came to an end.

She celebrated by tweeting her new “Reefer Fever” shirt that’s emblazoned with Justin Bieber‘s squinting face, a joint and pot leaves.

To give credit where credit is due, this is actually pretty funny. Especially considering that she told Rolling Stone the two hardly ever spoke. Not to mention the double pun on “Bieber Fever.” Two extra points for that.

But she does have her tongue out in the picture, so subtract one point.

Overall, we’ll give this an 7/10. Well Played, Miles.

If You’re Over 40, Stop Having Sex. You’re Grossing Out Miley Cyrus.

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?
Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?

We thought by ignoring her “SNL” crap and her “Today” show performance this morning that we might be able to go ONE WHOLE DAY without mentioning something Miley Cyrus did. Then she had to go and actually SPEAK to Matt Lauer, causing more stupid shit we can’t ignore to fall out of her cakehole.

Matt: Is this a phase? Is the sexual side of you that we’re seeing a lot of something that’s going to be here for a while and then you’ll be on to something else?

Miley: Well I heard that when you turn 40, things start to go a little less sexual. So probably around 40, around that time, I heard that’s when people don’t have sex anymore, so I guess maybe around then.

Matt: Do you know how old I am?

Miley: I’m going to guess 40.

Matt: I love you again. I’m 55.

Miley: 55? Oh well, then you’re really definitely not sexual.

I don’t know which part of this is more infuriating — that she thinks antics like flashing her vag to Terry Richardson make her an authority on sexuality, or that she plans on shoving her pancake ass in our faces for another 20 years.

What I do know is Helen Mirren is 68 years old, and that woman is heat on feet. I know Angela Basset is 55 and sexy in a way few women will ever be. I know Madonna‘s 55-year-old “definitely not sexual” parts somehow manage to keep her 25-year-old boyfriend happy.

And I also know it’s obvious Miley Cyrus doesn’t yet understand “sexy” is an attitude, not a look — and that right now, she doesn’t have either one.
 

Sinead Wars: Return of the Famewhore

PEW PEW
PEW PEW

Not long ago, in a galaxy we wish was far, far away … pop culture was at war.

As we all know, after Miley Cyrus said Sinead O’Connor was the inspiration for her “Wrecking Ball” video, Sinead called her a dirty harlot in an open letter (let’s remember Sinead shot first, people). Then earlier today Miley tweeted some screencaps of Sinead’s old tweets, accusing her and Amanda Bynes of being nuts (a true but unclassy statement).

Now Sinead has fired off a second open letter to Miley, and the gloves (and breathing helmets) are off. Continue reading Sinead Wars: Return of the Famewhore

Well, These Should Kill Billy Ray Cyrus Dead [NSFW PHOTOS]

Terry's Diary
Terry’s Diary

Sorry for two Miley Cyrus posts in a row (it makes us unhappy too) but Terry Richardson just posted a slew of new shots of her.

Some are NSFW, which is why they’re after the jump, but there are really no surprises here: His photos still look like they’re done on ’70s porn sets, she still wears her daddy issues on the outside, and the rest of us are still just collateral damage.

On the upside, she’s doing her part for the American economy by keeping a fleet of waxers employed. Oh, and she won’t have to bother with the pasties again. Continue reading Well, These Should Kill Billy Ray Cyrus Dead [NSFW PHOTOS]

Sinead O’Connor to Miley Cyrus: You’s a Ho

Nothing Compares 2 Ur Sluttiness
Nothing Compares 2 Ur Sluttiness

Miley Cyrus recently went on record proclaiming her infamous “Wrecking Ball” video was inspired by Sinead O’Connor‘s 1990 video for “Nothing Compares 2 U.”

Now Sinead, who’s pretty much the greatest role model in the world, has responded in an open letter, essentially calling Miley an unloved harlot. Here are some choice snippets (spelling/grammatical errors intact). Continue reading Sinead O’Connor to Miley Cyrus: You’s a Ho

Miley Cyrus Is Pretty Much Michelangelo Now

Twitter
Twitter

Miley Cyrus is still busy promoting her new album “Bangerz” (without mash), bludgeoning the public with idiocy until they break down and buy it. The record began streaming on iTunes today and Miley was all ready to give it a tongue wag of approval — until she realized only the censored version was available.

She then took to Twitter to bemoan Apple for ruining a work she slaved over, naked and rolling on molly, for months. Because Hannah Montana will not be denied the right to scream profanities and mask it as singing. Damn you, Tim Cook!

And who wouldn’t be upset, really? Showing the world your vagina means nothing — NOTHING — if you can’t talk about it in four-letter words. Maybe she can team up with Vanilla Ice and get Microsoft foot tattoos. Or burn an iPad in effigy.

But by God, someone will pay.

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Vanilla Ice Totes Agrees with Miley About Justin Bieber, You Guys

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Twitter

Remember that Rolling Stone interview Miley Cyrus did wherein she told Justin Bieber to get his shit together already or he’d end up like Vanilla Ice? Well, Vanilla Ice sure does (almost as well as he remembers the tune of “Under Pressure”), and he’s so happy to be mentioned in a major media outlet that he doesn’t even care that she called him a complete and total loser.

TMZ caught up with Mr. Ice, aka Rob Van Winkle, meaning he hounded them with calls until they’d run a story about him. Rob says he agrees with Miley, understands the spot Justin’s in right now, and that only the Biebs himself can pull the trigger of change.

“It’s like living an artificial life,” Rob said. “When the dust settles, no one can figure it out or help you but yourself.”

In an homage to Miley’s “Rolling $tone” foot tattoos, he also included this photo of “Miley Cyru$” written on the bottoms of his own feet like some sort of “To Catch A Predator” perp on web cam. Also, he’s wearing a shirt that reads “Hello! My name is: Ninja.”

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze” came out 22 years ago, Rob. Yeah, you were dope in it and everything but … let it go.

Shhh. Shhhh. No more tears. Only MCs cooked like pounds of bacon.