Enslaver Movie Theater CEO Bans Madonna For Texting


Last week we reported on Madonna‘s insistence on texting through a screening of “12 Years a Slave” at the Alamo Drafthouse and then calling someone who politely asked her to stop an “enslaver” because it was for business. Now the CEO of the chain has taken to Twitter to throw down his banhammer (like a boss) and repress the world’s most notable pop star.

After hearing of the news a few days ago, Tim League – founder of the Texas-based cinema chain – fired off this tweet:

When Entertainment Weekly caught up with him, he said it started off as an offhand joke as “a means to get the issue out there, that it is rude to text during movies.” But now, after giving it some thought, he’s sticking to his guns and enforcing the ban on the pop superstar (even if she doesn’t care):

“Yeah, I’m serious, but I don’t think it really affects her life that much.”

Soon detractors began chiming in, saying  Madonna should be allowed to act as rude as possible because she’s Madonna. But League wasn’t having any of that. Once again, he’s right.

So Tim League gets our badge of honor for running a quality business, caring for customers and ensuring everyone can watch brutal, horrific depictions of slavery in peace.

The Texting Man Is Keeping Madonna Down


Steve McQueen‘s “12 Years a Slave” – a sprawling epic about the brutality of slavery – is on a fast track to sweep the Oscars this year. So when it premiered in New York, home of the reigning queen of pop Madonna, she had to see what the fuss was about. Except she texted through the whole thing.

A source tells Page Six that “a blonde in black lace gloves wouldn’t stop texting” and that she was seated in the same row as Jason Ritter and Michael K. Williams. Then some evil, repressive theater Nazi confronted the mystery blonde about the phone usage and she retorted:

“It’s for business . . . enslaver!”

Of course, when she ducked out during the standing ovation, it was revealed that Madge was wearing black lace gloves.

Comparing not being able to conduct the business of ordering Venezuelan pool boys via text in a movie theater to slavery is like missing the bus, having to walk somewhere and calling it your Trail of Tears.

Trust us, Madonna. We wanted very badly to send some “business texts” during “Swept Away.” Like, “scheduling appointments with Jack Kevorkian” business. But we didn’t. Because that’s what decent human beings do.

As George Costanza might say: “We are living in a society!”


Madonna Reveals Harrowing Rape in Harper’s Bazaar

Harper's Bazaar
Harper’s Bazaar

Say what you will about Madonna, but her staying power is undeniable. So when Harper’s Bazaar let her write a retrospective on her life, career and struggles thus far, we figured it would be eye-opening. But smack dab in the middle she makes a stunning revelation: She was raped in her early days starting out in New York.

The essay is framed around the concept of “truth or dare” — specifically challenging people to dare. She reflects at length on being an unpopular high schooler before moving from Rochester, Mich. into the big city to catch her lucky break. That’s where things took a turn for the worse:

New York wasn’t everything I thought it would be. It did not welcome me with open arms. The first year, I was held up at gunpoint. Raped on the roof of a building I was dragged up to with a knife in my back, and had my apartment broken into three times. I don’t know why; I had nothing of value after they took my radio the first time.

Even when you’re the queen of pop, it takes an incredible amount of courage to share such a story. We cannot applaud her enough for doing so.

As we all know, she persevered, so she also discussed her continued grit and determination in the face of fear and loneliness in a city that doesn’t slow down for anyone:

And all the homeless people on the street. This wasn’t anything I prepared for in Rochester, Michigan. Trying to be a professional dancer, paying my rent by posing nude for art classes, staring at people staring at me naked. Daring them to think of me as anything but a form they were trying to capture with their pencils and charcoal. I was defiant. Hell-bent on surviving. On making it. But it was hard and it was lonely, and I had to dare myself every day to keep going. Sometimes I would play the victim and cry in my shoe box of a bedroom with a window that faced a wall, watching the pigeons shit on my windowsill. And I wondered if it was all worth it, but then I would pull myself together and look at a postcard of Frida Kahlo taped to my wall, and the sight of her mustache consoled me. Because she was an artist who didn’t care what people thought. I admired her. She was daring. People gave her a hard time. Life gave her a hard time. If she could do it, then so could I.

Further on she talks about her introduction into Kabbalah and the ridicule it brought, as well as the tribulations she went through after adopting her son from Malawi. She writes about her divorce and of studying the Qur’an before reflecting upon where she is now.

It’s incredibly poignant, introspective and harrowing, and it proves what we’ve always suspected: Madonna has more facets than we’ll ever know. (Now if she’d just quit wearing that damned grill.)

Elton John Is Worried About Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga, But Mostly Just Wants You to Buy His Album


Elton John is typically pretty removed from the spotlight — until he has some shit to plug. Then he emerges, snipes at some other super famous people, and recedes. Last time he needed to do this he accused Madonna of lip-syncing. This time? He couldn’t choose who to attack, so he launched a double barrage on Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga — just to make sure something stuck.

Speaking with The Australian, John said:

“I look at Miley Cyrus and I see a meltdown waiting to happen. And she’s so young! But she’s got two records in the top 20, so who is going to stop her?”

Okay, Elton. Not everyone who acts against type is on the verge of a “meltdown.” Unlike, say, Amanda Bynes, we’re pretty sure that Miley knows exactly what she’s doing (unfortunately). Hell, she hasn’t even soaked a dog in gasoline yet.

Regardless, John said he can “spot a car crash before it happens.” Then he turned his attention to Gaga, saying:

“With Gaga – who I love, she’s the godmother to our children –I’d like to be able to talk to her right now, but I can’t get through to her. And there are times when you have to listen. When your persona begins to take over your music and becomes more important, you enter a dangerous place. Once you have people around you who don’t question you, you’re in a dangerous place.”

We’ll give you that one, dude. Lady G is clearly surrounded by yes-men who think walking around with a bag over your face is a great idea. She’s lost some of her vision, and soon she’ll be giving ironic concerts to the homeless. Or doing some art installation where she rides around in a cab throwing pieces of chicken out the window.

But she’s already in a fight with a prominent gay person, Elton. She doesn’t need two on her hands. Better leave her be.

Elton’s new album, “The Diving Board,” will be out September 24th. But that’s probably purely coincidental.

Hopefully, John Kerry Follows Madonna on Instagram


Madonna took time out from wearing a grill and studying the Talmud to make a succinct statement on United States foreign policy yesterday — just because she can.

Writing with the steady penmanship of a 7-year-old, Madge scribbled “U.S. stay out of Syria. For fuck humanity’s sake” on some generic printer paper, taped it to a wall, and then took a photo of it. That’s dedication.

Even more interesting was the comment section — because most of Madonna’s Instagram followers are astute political commentators — chiming in with quips ranging from “Bigggg Like for this :)” to “How can you love children and turn the other way?”

Political ramifications aside, it would be fascinating to see what Madonna’s reaction would be if we told her Assad was holding truckloads of 18-year-old Colombian boys hostage. She doesn’t like anyone stepping on her territory.

She’s Heisenmadge. She’s the one who knocks, dammit!

Happy Birthday, Madonna. Knock It Off.

Today, August 17th, is Madonna’s 55th birthday. That makes this as good an occasion as any to point out that Madge is morphing into an amalgamation of every young and potentially threatening pop star that crosses her path. In a bid to claw her way back to the top of the relevancy pile, Madonna has begun to systematically take on the attributes of her competition, sort of like in The Thing From Another World, only far more frightening.

Continue reading Happy Birthday, Madonna. Knock It Off.