Lindsay Lohan Had Her Goons Beat Up Paris Hilton’s Kid Brother


Back in 2006 when she was still a thing, Paris Hilton was caught on video practically peeing herself with laughter as her douchebag pal Brandon Davis trashed Lindsay Lohan and her (allegedly) ginger vaj, bestowing a nickname that sticks even today: Firecrotch.

Paris has since been replaced in pop culture by something newer, shinier and Kardashianier, but LiLo has apparently never forgotten — or forgiven — the bitch she once was. And if TMZ is to be believed, Lohan’s now taking it out on Paris’ kid brother, Barron.

Multiple sources connected to the situation tell us … Barron attended a party last night at a Miami mansion where Lindsay has been staying while she’s in town for an art festival — a party that lasted until well after the sun came up.

We’re told … during the party, someone accused Barron of talking smack about Lindsay — and a short time later he was attacked and beaten to a pulp. TMZ obtained a photo of the damage.

We know … 24-year-old Barron spoke with police following the incident. He claims Lohan orchestrated the beating.

Barron told cops Lindsay approached him at the party with a male friend and began screaming, “‘You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get.”

As the guy proceeded to pummel Barron, Hilton claims Lindsay was laughing and egging him on.

Cops were called to the scene and interviewed Barron. We’re told Barron doesn’t know the identity of his attacker but is adamant Lindsay is the person behind the attack.

Lindsay’s camp denies everything, of course, and says she left the party before the beatdown even happened. Problem is, there’s video of Barron and his friends confronting her right after someone played whack-a-mole on his face.

If you’ve seen the “firecrotch” video, you know how utterly awful Paris was and it’s somewhat comforting to know her fall from grace soon followed. But really, if Lindsay’s gonna make the brother pay for the sins of the sister, she’s doing it all wrong.

It’s like she’s never seen “Game of Thrones” at all.

Lindsay Lohan Is Suing the ‘GTA V’ People Now


In her endless bid to stay relevant and also make money without working, Lindsay Lohan has set her sights on the makers of the insanely popular “Grand Theft Auto V,” claiming they’ve used her likeness.

TMZ reports that Linds is in talks with her legal team to sue Rockstar Games, who she thinks is using a facsimile of her in “GTA V.” But what’s her evidence?

— The video game cover shows a woman holding a cellphone who looks Lindsay-ish.  There’s been debate over whether it looks more like Kate Upton or Shelby Welinder.

— Part of the game features a mission where a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi.

— Another part of the game shows another Lindsay-like character at a hotel resembling the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood — a place Lindsay not only frequents but once lived at — and the mission is to photograph her having sex on camera.

While we can say for certain that the cartoon woman on the front of the game is definitely not Lindsay-like, the other instances are a little more on point. But they’re also clearly parody, which the Supreme Court has roundly upheld. As an astute scholar, Lindsay should know this.

From the Hustler v. Falwell ruling:

… the First Amendment gives speakers immunity from sanction with respect to their speech concerning public figures unless their speech is both false and made with “actual malice”, i.e., with knowledge of its falsehood or with reckless disregard for the truth of the statement. Although false statements lack inherent value, the “breathing space” that freedom of expression requires in order to flourish must tolerate occasional false statements, lest there be an intolerable chilling effect on speech that does have constitutional value.

Saying Lindsay Lohan has sex in hotel rooms probably doesn’t constitute a false statement. It’s like saying 1% of the population is gluten intolerant or the Earth is round or Senator Ted Cruz is actually a succubi. Whatever.

Hey, Lindsay. We don’t say it very often, but we kinda like you. So maybe concentrate on, you know, acting in motion pictures again. Priorities.

Oh, Good. Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus Are Hanging Out Together Now.

Filed under "Good Ideas That Are Terrible"
Filed under “Good Ideas That Are Terrible”

Because it’s the best idea ever for a troubled girl fresh out of rehab to hang with the human equivalent of a frat party, Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus have apparently formed some sort of unholy alliance.

Page Six reports:

The tongue-waving twerk queen was seen at a Chelsea club with Magic Johnson’s son EJ Johnson and Andrew Warren when, a spy said, “Lindsay climbed over from her table next to the DJ booth to Miley’s table.”

Then, “The two immediately began whispering in the corner. From that point on, the two tables essentially became one.”

We hear LiLo’s crew included dreadlocked Ralph Lauren model Morgan O’Connor, who sources said has been seeing Lohan, but also looked like he hit it off with Miley on Saturday night. Cyrus and Lohan “stayed till just after 5 a.m.” and even left together.

We’d tell LiLo to be careful because Miley totally seems like the kind of chick who’d hook up with a pal’s boyfriend — but then we saw Morgan and he’s white so never mind, Lindsay. You’re safe.

Evil Paparazzi Caused Dina Lohan to Drive Drunk


Dina Lohan appeared in court today for her drunk driving arrest last month with an alleged BAC of .2 and, as per usual, was all ready to pin this thing on the real villain: paparazzi.

Mark Heller, her self-parodying lawyer, gave a statement after the hearing, saying:

“It is the professional opinion of the evaluator that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely caused by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks the paparazzi, media attention and distorted tabloid character profiles.”

“After meeting Dina and her family and witnessing the care, compassion and concern shared by family members,  it is my hope that the courts will take the challenges of Dina’s lifestyle under consideration in prosecuting this case.”

It sounds like Heller may enjoy the gin made in Lindsay Lohan‘s childhood bathtub just as much as Dina does.

The paparazzi excuse is cute, but completely fails to explain Dina’s drunken stupors the other 364 days of the year. Not to mention that judges don’t typically let people go just because they have a family who cares about them (which, in Dina’s case, is dubious).

It’s not clear whether Dina seriously thinks this approach will work, but she probably does. She’s 51 and still believes the Whiskey Fairy raids her liquor cabinets.

(Hint: It’s Ali.)

Lindsay Lohan Might Wake Up With a Horse Head, Courtesy of Oprah

Keep smiling or I'll cuttabitch.
Keep smiling or I’ll cuttabitch.

Lindsay Lohan is (allegedly) still clean following her most recent stint in rehab, but since she probably doesn’t want to be stuck doing dreck like “The Canyons” forever, Oprah‘s been helping a sissah out.

First there was the post-rehab sit-down during which LiLo was dubbed Obvious, Queen of Obviousness after admitting she’s an addict. But that was only the first part of the collaboration — they’re also working on an eight-part docuseries about Lindsay’s life. And in exchange for all this, Oprah’s writing her a $2 million check.

But Lindsay must have mistaken the Big O for someone who’d put up with her shit, because according to TMZ, “Lindsay was a disaster at the beginning of the project — at times just being a no-show” and later blaming it on her super busy schedule that included “spending time trying to find an apartment in NYC, other projects she was trying to finish, ‘miscommunications’ between her people and the folks at OWN,” etc.

When Oprah was done laughing at the “other projects” thing, she paid a personal visit to Lohan, channeled her best Marlon Brando, and made Lindsay an offer she couldn’t refuse: Stop screwing around or the docuseries and the 2 mil were history. Capiche?

Since that friendly little chat, sources say everyone’s favorite effed-up ginger has been minding her Ps and Qs, but Oprah’s still watching her little investment “like a hawk.”

I Watched ‘The Canyons’ So You Don’t Have To


“The Canyons” is one of those mythical projects you hear echoes about in film circles but never actually expect to see in real life. A film from Paul Schrader, director of “American Gigolo,” written by unabashed curmudgeon Brett Easton Ellis? Starring Lindsay Lohan and sperm magnate James Deen?

Surely that doesn’t exist. Surely that would never be a thing. But it does, and it is.

The film opens with a series of stills of abandoned and closed cinemas of greater Los Angeles — long forgotten evidence of Hollywood’s heyday. They represent a time when going to the movies was an event and not just something you pulled up on your phone while on a long subway ride. If you love film as I do, this thing’s already depressing.

Continue reading I Watched ‘The Canyons’ So You Don’t Have To

‘Canyons’ Director Paul Schrader Says Lindsay Lohan Is a Talented Psychopath


Remember Paul Schrader? That guy who brought you “American Gigolo” and the insanely popular “Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist”? Well, now that he’s realized no one wants to see his latest effort, “The Canyons,” starring Lindsay Lohan (see: drug addict) and James Deen (see: porn star), he’s started the obligatory press tour, telling behind-the-scenes drama about Lindsay snorting cocaine off the backs of baby elephants while wearing a rain poncho being Lindsay.

“Tardiness, unpredictability, tantrums, absences, neediness, psychodrama—yes, all that, but something more,” Schrader told Film Comment magazine. “That thing that keeps you watching someone on screen, that thing you can’t take your eyes off of, that magic, that mystery.”

Alright, Paul. I’m no expert, but I believe the word you are desperately searching for here is “tits.” There’s nothing mysterious about them (except maybe why we don’t have more public monuments dedicated to the subject).

But then he raised the pretentious shittiness to a whole new level, directly comparing Lohan to Marilyn Monroe.

Continue reading ‘Canyons’ Director Paul Schrader Says Lindsay Lohan Is a Talented Psychopath