Now that Kim Kardashian and Yeezus are engaged, The Mother doesn’t need Khloe Kardashian‘s marital drama for ratings anymore — so Lamar Odom is being tossed on the scrapheap of misfit Kardashian husbands. (Oh HAI, Kris Humphries. ‘sup?)
Khloe Kardashian is filing for divorce from Lamar Odom … TODAY.
Sources tell us, Khloe will be citing irreconcilable differences in her legal docs. The split should be pretty cut and dry — an ironclad prenup which kept all their assets separate … and no kids.
The end was a long time coming … Khloe had expressed dire concerns about the marriage ever since she learned about Lamar’s crack addiction earlier this year, but she forestalled divorce for fear he’d OD or worse.
The couple got married in September of 2009 after an extended one-month courtship, and many people didn’t think it would last. And while you may think a four-year marriage means it didn’t last, just remember it was like 20 times longer than Kim’s marriage to Kris. A love story for the ages, if you will.
Meanwhile, with two younger sisters at home, “So You Think You Can Marry a Kardashian” is already scouting NBA stars for next season.
Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.
TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.
Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.
Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?
The Kardashian franchise is getting a bit stale, so The Mother (copyright Joe Odom) apparently told Khloe it’s time to cut husband Lamar Odom loose.
If you look at the Kardashian women like a pack of feral cats and their men like wounded rodents that are sadistically toyed with before being killed and eaten, you’ll see there was no other way for this to end. But because the family’s reality show is under contract for a couple more seasons (and no one really seems to give a shit about Kim‘s baby anymore), THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
So we’re all supposed to pretend Khloe’s trying — really trying — to save the marriage, even as some of The Mother’s hired hands did a sympathy grab by telling People that Khloe “just doesn’t know if she can work this out” and “it’s like the situation is just too far gone at this point for a split to be anything but unavoidable.”
At the same time, The Mother anonymous sources told TMZ that Lamar went to the couple’s home on Tuesday to talk, but while he was there, Khloe “found a pipe with a stash that looked like crack in a baggie” and “went ballistic, calling Lamar a ‘liar’ and telling him, ‘I’m done with you'” before throwing him out of the house.
But then BUT THEN Khloe tweeted this:
Promise me u’ll always remember: u’re braver than u believe. I am brave because of u. The love u gave made me brave. All we need is love#KKO
And OMG YOU GUYS she signed it KKO instead of just KK and that TOTALLY MATTERS because she took “Odom” out of her name on her social media profiles last week so since she included the O in what was obviously a HIGHLY PERSONAL note to Lamar, maybe true love will prevail.
Or least enough of the illusion of it to last through several episodes of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” anyway.
Lamar Odom — husband of the super-sad emo-quote-postingKhloe Kardashian — was lured from his underground crack den today to defend those helpless Kardashians from the scurrilous words uttered by his own father.
Joe Odom gave an exclusive interview to Radar yesterday, and it was divine. Here are just a few of his choice quotes:
“The mother has been talking a lot of trash about my son, saying he’s on drugs and stuff like that. She’s got something against my son, something against my family. Kris Jenner is very negative. She’s an evil bitch. She doesn’t care about Lamar, she just cares about their image and money.”
“[The Kardashians] don’t give a fuck about my son. It’s more about the damage they do to the Kardashian brand. They brought him down. He’d be better off without them. Let him go, get his life together.”
“I wish he had never got married to Khloe to be honest. She’s controlling. Those Kardashian women all are. You get married they think they wear the pants. You just bring them your whole paycheck, that’s how it works.”
So! It looks like Joe totally knows what’s up.
But The Mother (God how I love that) must have sent word to Lamar to sober up, sucker, because no one could find his Twitter password and the shit one of her minions wrote would be a lot harder to pass off as his if it didn’t actually come from his account.
And suddenly, after more than two months of silence, Lamar’s account was alive with the sound of shade. First there was this:
But people probably thought that was about the Kardashians (hey, if the heavily-sponsored shoe fits), which meant a much wordier follow-up was in order:
Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me.
For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me.
He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!
Lamar’s sudden burst of Kardashian family pride may or may not have something to do with the fact that The Mother is the one who hired prominent lawyer Robert Shapiro to rep Lamar in his DUI case. TMZ says his arraignment is on Friday, and someone (either Shapiro or Lamar himself) has to show up, or an arrest warrant will be issued.
Everyone’s pretty sure Lamar won’t be there, which means if Shapiro is suddenly off the case — because maybe, you know, The Mother pulls him — Lamar’s legal woes could get incrementally worse.
But that probably has nothing to do with any of this. Nothing at all.
Lamar Odom may or may not have a crack problem so bad that even his own dealer cut him off, but his wife Khloe Kardashian hasn’t spoken about it publicly — choosing instead to let her iPhone camera and Instagram account do the talking for her.
As a result we’ve seen a steady stream of pensive, super-flattering selfies to show everyone that while she may be heartbroken, she still looks great. Oh, she could retreat from the spotlight to deal with her personal trauma in private, but only the poors do shit like that.
She’s a Kardashian, by God. And since that’s a 24/7 job, she bravely boarded a private jet in LA on Wednesday and flew off to a promotional appearance in Vegas. But first, she and sister Kourtney and a friend struck a pose on the plane’s steps and took a photo that Khloe selflessly uploaded. For you.
When she got some backlash that essentially amounted to “THIS BITCH,” she made like a 14-year-old girl and pulled this from her Trapper Keeper:
In other words, Yeah, I’m acting like I’m not at all upset that my husband might be dead of an overdose at this very moment, but know that I’m crying ON THE INSIDE.
Then Pimp Mama Kris (copyright Michael K.) sprang into action, rang up her old friend Harvey Levin at TMZ, and reported Lamar was last seen getting a blowie from a drag queen while doing a Nazi salute and kicking puppies.
Pretend for a minute you’re Lamar Odom. You’ve been playing pro basketball for more than a decade, and that used to be what you were best known for. Until 2009, that is, when you married into America’s First Family of Famewhoredom. (Okay, you married the sanest sister of the bunch, but that’s like saying you drank the weakest hemlock.)
Since then, you’ve been part of three reality shows. In fact, what most people know about you these days is that you’re Mr. Khloe Kardashian. And when men complain about their mothers-in-law, you want to punch them dead in the face and yell SHUT UP, AT LEAST YOURS ISN’T A PIMP.
You’re 33. This is your life. And so … you drink. Or worse. We don’t blame you for that, sir. Just flipping past “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” when we’re channel-surfing makes us stabby.
But dude. You can’t imbibe and drive. That’s uncool. From TMZ:
Lamar Odom was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” early Friday morning … He was pulled over on the 101 Freeway for going too slow — 50 MPH. Cops say Odom had been driving in a “serpentine manner.”
Lamar initially did not respond to cops, and drove 3 exits before finally coming to a stop. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ he showed obvious signs of intoxication. [He] failed numerous field sobriety tests [and] when he was booked, we’re told he refused all chemical tests.
Lamar has been tooling around town lately … this after TMZ broke the story he had been on a crack binge.
Crack? That’s way below your pay grade. You’re not Bobby and Khloe’s not Whitney. Knock it off. If you need rehab, go. If you need solitude, get it. And if you need to flee this family and pretend the last few years have just been a bad performance art project, we’re behind you.
You’ve always seemed like a good dude. We don’t blame you for being drunk and high. But maybe it’s time you changed your circumstances so you don’t have to be.