Kim Kardashian Would Like to Reintroduce You to Her Ass

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With liberty and justice for all

Kim Kardashian, mother of an infant daughter, posted a photo of her ass and sideboob on Instagram last night like all the classy moms do.

It’s like she paid homage to the U.S. Congress by reopening her own personal Statue of Liberty. Her huddled masses were yearning to be free and NOW THEY ARE.

And how did babydaddy Kanye West feel about this?

https://twitter.com/kanyewest/status/390744663281631233

So. Now we’ve seen Kim engage in foreplay on video, on reality TV and on Twitter.

‘MERICA!
 

Kanye Went on Kimmel Last Night, But Forgot to Wipe His Mouth First

Someone is SO fired for this
Someone is SO fired for this

A couple weeks ago, Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Kanye West, and because the words “self-deprecating” and “Kanye West” are like the opposite poles of a magnet, Kanye lost his shit on Twitter and called Kimmel everything but a white woman.

Fast forward to last night, when Kanye was a guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and Kimmel acted like a kid who was scared of the schoolyard bully taking his lunch money and Kanye said exactly what you’d imagine he’d say (KANYE GREAT, KANYE POWERFUL, KANYE SMASH). But he did it with a very noticeable piece of … well, something in the left corner of his mouth. Which made it really hard to pay attention to his words, but as it turns out, maybe that was his gift to us all. (Thank you, Baby Yeezus.)

Rich at Gawker summarized the last part of the sit-down thusly:

And then, toward the end of the interview (what interview?), Kanye unleashed [a rant that] went virtually uninterrupted for over eight minutes. His free verse freestyle included contemplation of his acceptance in the fashion world, an alternate pronunciation of his name (“Kanyé”), a reference to The Truman Show, a discussion of Michael Jackson having to fight to get on MTV, the question “Who do you know who’s known more for clothes than me?”, fashion-world name-dropping, the statement “I’m not into all that snobbery,” occasional usage of the royal we, and a justification of him comparing himself to Steve Jobs, Leonardo da Vinci, and Jesus Christ, as well as musings on classism, Paula Deen, getting spoofed, making awesome stuff, self-esteem, $4,000 phones, and paparazzi. To that crop: “It’s not safe for you in this zoo. Don’t ever think that I’m not from Chicago.”

Cool story, bro. Continue reading Kanye Went on Kimmel Last Night, But Forgot to Wipe His Mouth First

Kim and Kanye Put Their Baby in a Straitjacket and Took a Picture

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Instagram

Until now, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had only seen fit to show one photo of spawn North to the world (and, going completely against type, they released the shot themselves without being paid for it or anything). But since Kim just got an assload of designer baby clothes, she apparently thought this was a good time to post a more recent picture of the kid who’ll eventually wear them.

So. Here she is. She’s, uh, still a baby. Just an older one now, because that’s how time works.

She also appears to be bound in some sort of straitjacket, indicating that perhaps she required restraints after learning who her parents are. And that they gave her a name that should come with a therapy fund.

kimk-luggage

Kim Kardashian’s Boobs. Let Her Show You Them.

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Instagram

There have been snide rumors for months that Kanye West and Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci are having a torrid affair, thus explaining why they — separately or collectively — keep putting Kim Kardashian in comically unflattering outfits. Catty as that is, maybe it’s true, because otherwise we’re supposed to believe she spent four months away from the cameras — only to show up again looking like this?

Kim’s Paris Fashion Week ensembles have ranged from the mundane to the “no seriously, what is that,” and this dress definitely fell into the latter category. Insiders say she hasn’t lost all the baby weight she wants to, and since it’s the second clavicle gown she’s worn this week, I can only assume she’s trying to draw focus up up and away from her hips.

And speaking of her hips, the cutouts there seem to be revealing her Spanx. And while Spanx may be a girl’s best friend (trust me, Marilyn would’ve thought so too), they aren’t meant to be seen. It’s like wearing knee-high hose with a skirt.

Between this and the braless floppy boobs, it’s like Kim Kardashian spent her four months in hiding becoming someone’s memaw.

Here Are the Ugly Designer Clothes Kim Kardashian’s Baby Will Soon Be Forced to Wear

Instagram
Instagram

It’s been a few months since Kim Kardashian gave birth to baby girl North West and then promptly began ignoring her. But even though Kim left little Nori at home and jetted off to Paris Fashion Week, she still can’t forget about the kid — because a bunch of bourgeois fashion designers keep giving her baby clothes.

And since Kim can’t turn down free designer clothing any more than she can turn down film crews wanting to record a sham wedding, here are a few of the choice outfits that she’s thoughtfully posted to Instagram (mistakenly assuming people want to see them and not pictures of her ass).

Instagram
Instagram

First up we have a lab coat from Maison Martin Margiela, just in case North wants to cook Gerber meth or animate a dead body. Because what kid doesn’t want their own lab coat? Specifically before they can speak — a vital time for science experiments. Granted, when your parents are Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, learning about science (or anything other than the family tree) will probably not be encouraged. Continue reading Here Are the Ugly Designer Clothes Kim Kardashian’s Baby Will Soon Be Forced to Wear

If Jimmy Kimmel Winds Up Dead, Here’s Your Prime Suspect

http://youtu.be/It05EvqFD6s

Because there’s little more delightful than two famous rich guys having a public slapfight, we present to you “Kanye vs. Kimmel: The Reckoning.”

Earlier this week, Jimmy Kimmel spoofed a BBC interview Kanye West did by having a child spout off the ridiculous things he said. It took West a day or so to see the video, but when he did, he fired up Twitter, hit his caps-lock key, and got busy. Super busy. Nuclear busy. YEEZUS CHRIST CALM DOWN ALREADY busy.

The rant that followed (since deleted) was so over-the-top and profane and utterly comical that it’s no wonder a lot of people thought the whole thing had to be a joke. But in the video above from Thursday night, you’ll see Kimmel saying the beef is legit.

It’s so nice when fatherhood shows a man what really matters, isn’t it?

Kanye Gets Kim a Magazine Kover That’ll Probably Give Anna Wintour a Konniption

CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book

Word has it that Vogue empress Anna Wintour has such disdain for Kim Kardashian that none of the magazines owned by parent company Conde Nast can feature her on the cover. In fact, seems the only way Kim even got into the Met Ball this year after being banned before was to get herself knocked up by Anna’s boo Kanye West.

KK then showed up looking like a high school upholstery project, which could explain why she was cropped out of the official Vogue photos from the event. (But let’s be real here — that probably happened because Anna still thinks Kim is trash.)

Anyway, the point here is that Kanye hasn’t just been Kim’s boyfriend and babydaddy — he’s basically been the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle, taking a guttersnipe and turning her into (something that in the right light could maybe kinda sorta pass for) a lady.

Regardless, getting her the cover of the latest CR Fashion Book was one hell of a coup. Even if she does look utterly ridiculous.

The magazine is helmed by Carine Roitfeld, the former editor of French Vogue, and fashionistas are snickering that she put Kim on the cover as a not-so-subtle dig at Anna. (Jesus, could there possibly be anything more one-percent than a slapfight between Vogue editors?)

Karl Lagerfeld — who always looks like he’s smelling raw sewage at PRECISELY THIS MOMENT — took the photos of a very pregnant Kim, and the art direction was done by Givenchy’s Riccardo Tisci, the guy who designed that mess she wore to the Met Gala. So really, this shoot had no choice but to be a beautiful disaster.

On another note, are we about done with the whole “rich white people in grills” trend? Yes? Excellent.

CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book