A Fellow Canadian Tried to Punish Justin Bieber for Shaming the Homeland

God may save the queen, but Justin Bieber's bodyguards have to save him
God may save the queen, but Justin Bieber's bodyguards have to save him

If there’s anything we know about Justin Bieber by now, it’s that he can KICK YOUR ASS — as long as his well-paid bodyguards are holding you down. A lesson we learned again late Friday night.

Seems the Biebs was partying at a nightclub back home in Canada when he decided to venture out from the VIP section (where he apparently wasn’t getting enough adulation) and mingle with the unwashed masses. That’s when TMZ says a dude bum-rushed him, grabbed the shirt that he actually had on for a change and tried to take him down.

Justin’s guards, who heard the commotion on the baby monitors they carry at all times, came to his rescue, but he surprised everyone by yelling YO I GOT DIS and then beating the snot out of his attacker using only a sideways trucker cap and the waistband of his exposed underwear as weapons.

LOL JK. What actually happened is that Bieber’s goons pulled the guy off, at which point Justin “unleashed a fury of kicks” on him because in his world, that’s what fair fights are made of. (It’s only unsporting if the other guy is unconscious, you guys.)

The unnamed man was tossed from the club, and Bieber and his flying monkeys left shortly thereafter.

Justin Bieber + Jay-Z Are Hanging Out Together Now. This Won’t End Well.

Instagram
Instagram

I’m not gonna lie: I’m a little worried about Jay-Z. A few weeks ago, he showered (what I really hope was ironic) praise on Miley Cyrus. Now he’s been willingly photographed with Justin Bieber.

The overgrown Canadian toddler posted the shot on his Instagram page, and in the photo, Jay has one arm slung around (the very funny) Kevin Hart, and it looks like his other arm is around the Biebs.

NO, HOVA, NO.

Look, I think Miley is about as transparent a poseur as I’ve ever seen, but I (somewhat) understand why guys like Pharrell are working with her. It’s a quid pro quo thing — she gets the hip-hop cred she’s clearly so thirsty for, and they get exposure to her millions of mainstream pop fans. And if she’s gonna pretend she’s into “urban,” at least she’s surrounding herself with credible names.

But Bieber? These days he’s little more than a bratty wanna-be thug who’s more famous for needing a proper ass beating than anything else. Being seen with him increases no one’s stock. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I was pretty ambivalent about Will Smith, and then I found out Justin regards him as kind of a second father. Say Will’s name now and my Pavlovian response is to smell vinegar and water.

What I’m saying is I adore Jay-Z and if Bieber ruins that for me, I may hunt him down and beat his ass myself.