Johnny Depp Banged the Lesbian Out of Amber Heard and Now They’re Engaged

Pretty people are pretty

Amber Heard (a pretty actress you may or may not have heard of) starred with Johnny Depp in 2011’s “The Rum Diary” (a pretty movie you may or may not have seen). At the time, Depp had been with his partner and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis for almost 15 years, and Heard had been with her same-sex partner, artist Tasya van Ree, for about four years.

In mid-2012, both couples split — and Depp and Heard have been together ever since. Pure coincidence, of course.

Now sources say they’re engaged. And despite no official word from overpaid PR people, Amber was caught on camera earlier this week trying very hard to hide some bling on her left hand, so it’s probably true.

I’m not bitter. I’M NOT. (I am completely bitter.)

“It happened on Christmas Eve,” a source close to the family told Celebuzz. “Amber really took her time to make up her mind.”

“She turned him down before,” added the source, “before she said yes. So she waited and was thinking about it for a long time.”

Probably because Johnny Depp has a penis and all. But don’t go putting your bourgeois sexual orientation labels on her. When Flare magazine asked Amber last year if she identifies as bisexual, she replied:

“It is so strange to me that everyone cares … Maybe you like blondes now, but maybe you’ll be into a brunette in the future. I just don’t understand this idea that we have to choose one or the other.”

I hope she knows it’ll take more than a visit to Javier at the salon if she wants to swap out Johnny’s bits.

In any case, while it did take someone like Johnny Depp to bang all the residual traces of lesbian out of her, it seems to be a done deal now.

(I kid, of course. You can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.)

(But don’t be surprised if right-wingers want to dispatch Johnny Depp to Birkenstock stores all over the world, just in case.)

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