Kris Jenner Wants You to Think She Didn’t Turn Cartwheels Over Kim’s Sex Tape

Kris Jenner has six kids, so dude — she’s tired. Motherhood is hard. Which is probably why she’s just ignoring youngest child Kylie until the obnoxious little brat turns 18 and can start earning her keep like all her siblings (well, except for Rob, but he’s a guy so no one wants to see his boobs anyway).

But even if Kris started shooting offspring out her vag like a bubble gun, it wouldn’t matter. Kim Kardashian would always be her favorite. After all, the only reason any of us have even heard of the Kardashian-Jenners is because Kim was willing to be a pee pad to Ray J‘s puppy.

The resulting sex tape made Kim’s entire family very rich and very famous — but let your heart bleed for Kris Jenner for a moment, because she says when she first learned of the celluloid gold, she “cried [herself] to sleep.” As she told Joan Rivers on the latest ep of “In Bed With Joan” (via Crushable):

“I’m somewhat of a, you know, religious person, and I keep that to myself. So I live a certain way and I feel a certain way, and I pray for my kids every day, and I’m so in love with my family life. And that hits me up the side of the head, and I literally fell apart.

I had to go in a room and cry for a couple days and say okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether, because you have to be here for all these kids and your family and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.”

Imagine what would happen if Kris Jenner literally fell apart. You’d basically have a pile of breast implants, naked greed and strips of skin stretched tighter than a needlepoint canvas.

(Speaking of such, remember the “shave and a haircut” part of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” when Roger basically exploded trying to contain the TWWWWOOOO BIIIIIIIITS line? That’s what I like to imagine was going on in Joan Rivers’ head while she was listening to this shit.)

Anyway, assuming this story is even partially true (it’s not at all true), the “example” Kris set for her kids was that shame is for the poors and “famewhore” is among the noblest of professions.

Class dismissed.

Joe Jonas Admits He’s Among the Cast of Thousands Who’ve Dumped Taylor Swift

The Jonas Brothers (who I didn’t even know were still a thing) recently went on E!’s “Fashion Police,” and Joe Jonas told Joan Rivers what has long been suspected: Yes, he’s to blame for at least some of Taylor Swift‘s insipid music — because he once broke her heart.

When Joan mentioned Joe is the brother who dated and then ghosted on Taylor in 2008, he replied, “I think it’s me and a few others, but yeah.”

“You did it over the phone, and you got three songs written about you,” Joan went on, causing Kevin Jonas to pipe up with, “We still haven’t seen the royalty checks.” (We, kemosabe? Did you help write the break-up text?)

Oh, by the way, yes — word has it Joe did the deed via text. They’d been together for more than a year and he didn’t even have the stones to talk to her in person. Dick move, dude.

Blerg. It’s hard to know who’s worse here: Joe Jonas for dumping someone via text, or Taylor Swift for … well, for being Taylor Swift.