Meet Jamie Dornan, Your New Christian Grey and the Hottest Guy You’ve Never Heard Of

Well. Aren't you attractive.
Well. Aren’t you attractive.

A while back, Charlie Hunnam took the role of Christian Grey in the sure-to-be-shittastic movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then he sobered up from his weekend bender, screamed in horror, became the human personification of every “nope nope nope” GIF you’ve ever seen, and bailed.

That left Dakota Johnson‘s Anastasia Steele without anyone to touch her “down there.” (Seriously, that’s what the character in the book calls her vaj. “Down there.” And soccer moms still bought eleventymillion copies of this dreck.)

So a call went out to find a hot guy willing to sell his soul to the God of Bad Movies Made From Even Worse Books (Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer pray to him on the regular) and lo, one Jamie Dornan sprang forth.

Dornan is an Irish actor who’s appeared in “Marie Antoinette” and had twisted homicidal roles in “Once Upon a Time” and the UK series “The Fall,” so he’s perfectly suited to play a sadistic misogynist. More importantly, he’s a former model who looks so good shirtless that the New York Times once dubbed him “The Golden Torso.”

This is why.
This is why.

Nothing’s been signed yet, but the Hollywood Reporter is sure enough about his casting that it’s reporting the whole thing is a done deal.

Thanks to his long modeling career, there are photos of this guy everywhere, so you’ll have no problem seeing him in just about every state of dress (or undress) even before “Fifty Shades” debuts, flops, and becomes the camp classic it’s destined to be.

Case in point: Here’s a chick taking a bite out of Jamie’s ass to sell jeans. As you do.

Tastes like chicken!
Tastes like chicken!

[h/t Buzzfeed; photos via Banana Republic and Calvin Klein]