Farrah Abraham is a true renaissance woman. Whether she’s driving little Sophia to dance recitals appearing in strip clubs, drunk driving, releasing a line of sex toys, writing New York Times bestsellers, being annoying on reality television or being annoying in the prone position, she does it all. And now you can, too – because she’s writing a parenting book for you!
Farrah’s on “Couples Therapy” at the moment, bitching to Doctor Drew about how her fake boyfriend doesn’t appreciate her boobs or whatever, and dropped a bombshell that she plans on writing a trilogy of highly original erotic novels. Like Jenna Jameson. Or Sasha Grey. But after that, she announced her definitive guide to caring for children and doing butt stuff in the eyes of god.
What will she do next? Maybe start a clown college. Maybe best Joey Chestnut in a vaguely sensual hot dog eating contest. Who knows? Not us. All we know is that whatever she does, the big man’s looking out for her:
Farrah Abraham, mother and anal porn star extraordinaire, is nothing if not perceptive. So when she tunes to Radio Disney on her XM radio and hears Justin Bieber covering Burl Ives, she knows it’s time for the holidays. She may not know exactly when those holidays fall, how to celebrate any of them or what day it is — but she knows it’s time.
Case in point is this Keek video she posted yesterday, where she proclaims “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” like a valley girl with a mouth full of marbles. (At this very moment, Andy Williams‘ corpse is trekking across the country to exact vengeance.)
She then begins spewing a string of completely random words like a Speak & Spell that’s been thrown against a wall. First, she declares it to be “Ugly Sweater Sunday.” Not ugly Christmas sweater. Just ugly generic sweater. Farrah chose an aqua one, and it actually isn’t that ugly. It’s pretty standard sweater fare.
Next she giddily exclaims “Twelve day countdown!” and “So close to Christmas!” At the time of the video, of course, there were three days until Christmas, not twelve. Then she reverts back to the sweater thing – telling her fans to show her their ugly sweaters before signing off.
Technically, 12 days from the video’s posting would be January third. Could this be a sign? Could she be tipping us off to the date she will bring about the apocalypse by reflecting a mirror against her teeth and laying waste to everyone not wearing a sweater? We don’t know, aren’t eager to find out, either.
Farrah Abraham is still running around struggling to promote her line of rubber vaginas, so she appeared on “Bethenny” yesterday — because what better outlet to do so than a talk show struggling to retain mediocre ratings?
Bethenny (and her audience of knife-sharpening soccer moms) immediately began circling like vultures, asking about Farrah waxing her daughter’s unibrow, ditching her daughter so she can “do her own thing” and generally being terrible.
Farrah was immediately on the defensive, and it got tense pretty quick. Farrah sat alone on an IKEA couch while Bethenny wandered the audience handing the mic to angry, frothing upper-middle class people as everyone else scowled in silence.
Once Bethenny rejoined her on the couch, nothing let up. Bethenny just continued her assault while giving Farrah a squinty-eyed, skeptical Clint Eastwood stare (which makes sense, because talking to Farrah is a lot like talking to a chair).
It’s probably the best daytime talk moment we’ve seen since Sherri Shepherd said that Christianity predated Ancient Greece, and definitely the highlight of Bethenny’s talk show tenure thus far.
Later Farrah told Radar that Bethenny was rude, “degrading to women” and went on to suggest Bethenny’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy should purchase her sex toys, which would actually be really great.
Too bad “Celebrity Boxing” isn’t still on the air.
In “Backdoor Teen Mom,” Farrah Abraham willingly and enthusiastically busied pretty much all her bodily orifices (except maybe her ear holes) on camera. Then she sold the tape to Vivid, an adult film company. Then she bought herself a new rack and promoted her sex tape (and herself) at strip clubs and porn expos. Oh, and then she signed a deal to sell rubber replicas of her vaj and b-hole, and even posed spread-eagled as the molds were being made.
But, as she recently told TheGloss, that doesn’t make her a porn star or anything.
“I am not a porn star. I’m going to be done doing adult gentlemen’s clubs and exotica expos soon, you know. At first I loved doing that, meeting new fans that appreciated me as being on ‘Teen Mom’ and having a sex video that was out. Now I feel like it’s gotten too far and I just kinda want to be done with that. I think going out and doing some of these things are fun, but when it gets to a point when it’s not fun, it’s more distracting, I’m not about that anymore.”
TL;DR: These are not the droids you’re looking for.
By the way, she may not be a porn star (she’s totally a porn star), but according to her personal website, she is “your go to public figure.”
It does not take the most astute thinker to realize that teen mom/rubber vagina model Farrah Abraham probably isn’t the best parent in the world. And it seems Farrah kind of agrees now, because she’s throwing up her hands and shipping little Sophia off to her parents while she continues her bid to sign pictures of her boobs in every strip club in the country.
Farrah sat down with In Touch Weekly (via Celebslam) and explained how she gave the “It’s not you, it’s me” talk to a four-year-old:
These days, former Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham spends most of her time appearing at strip clubs or giving interviews. But she insists time apart from daughter Sophia, 4, isn’t hurting the little girl. “It’s healthy that we have a break,” claims Farrah, 22 (whose dad lives near her and Sophia in Texas). “She has her own life and is doing her own thing, and I’m doing mine.” (Print Edition – 10/14)
It turns out getting paid for anal sex is a lot easier than you know, feeding kids and shit.
Sure, it seems like a terrible choice to abandon your child to get drunk and hawk sex toys. Except this is really a personal victory for Sophia. Her mom may not be in her life, but at this rate giving the kid to a transient hobo or Charlie Sheen would be an upgrade. Plus she gets to “do her own thing.”
And if Sophia is ever in need of a mother’s touch, they can always buy her a large chunk of plastic.
After Farrah Abraham — mother and feminist extraordinaire — made a big deal about pretending her porno was a “private tape” that she was hesitant to sell to distributors after a “leak,” her publicity machine began spreading rumors that Vivid paid her $1 million for the footage. But it turns out her vagina and/or anus are not that valuable — because the real amount she netted was a measly $10,000.
FOX News (a network that knows a little something about assholes) broke the story, speaking with an insider who burst Farrah’s delusional bubble:
“In reality she (Farrah) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”
So she wasn’t even making Belladonna numbers, let alone Jenna Jamesonnumbers. (You should probably consider that before shelling out $40 for a rubber replica of Farrah’s vag or her bullshit raspberry weight loss pills.)
The story goes on to report that Tami Erin (aka Pippi Longcocking) received the same offer. The only difference is nobody’s tired of her yet.
You’re okay for now, Tami. But Farrah? You’re on notice.
“I think I’m taking sex symbol to a whole new level today,” Farrah Abraham — former “Teen Mom,” current porn star, eternal famewhore — announces at the beginning of the video above, and it’s adorable she thinks she’s a sex symbol.
But yo, someone must think so, because “adult novelty manufacturer” (that’s fancy talk for “sex toy company”) Topco Sales is making synthetic copies of her ass and vaj and putting them on the market.
We didn’t even know anyone wanted to sex up her real parts without getting paid for it. On the upside, though, this means her boobs will no longer be her most blatantly plastic parts (just the ones that are always attached).
She goes full-on plaster-caster here, and the video we get of a spread-eagled Farrah with her crotch covered in some sort of molding plastic (and then of her later proudly displaying the resulting impressions) will someday almost certainly make her daughter the toast of every fraternity in college.
Remember that time James Deen filmed a porno with Famewhore AbrahamFarrah Abraham? Well, he sure does. And he told Playboy all about it during his “20 Questions” interview.
Here’s what happened. I got a call and they asked if I wanted to do a celebrity sex tape with Farrah. They said, “We’ll set it up so it looks like you guys are dating, and then TMZ will find out and it’ll be all over the TV.” They wanted to pretend that somehow the tape got leaked behind her back and she was completely unaware. It was a really fucked-up story, and I said, “No, I don’t want to do that. Hire somebody else.”
But they promised me the media wouldn’t be involved. I made sure they knew I was going to tell the truth if anybody asked me about it. I wasn’t going to lie. They said they’d make sure the media never talked to me.
So we shoot the movie, and as we’re leaving her hotel room some paparazzo takes our picture. The next day I get a call from TMZ, asking if I was dating Farrah Abraham. I said no. “Well, what were you doing at that hotel?” “Shooting a porno.” “Oh…okay. Bye then.” And that’s when the fucking drama train hit.”
Seems like a really exhaustive way to say “I shot a porno with Farrah Abraham and then I was honest when people asked about it,” but, hey, what do we know.
Of course when all this went down, Farrah publicly bashed Deen, claiming he leaked what was a personal sex tape — as he knew she’d do because the suits warned him that was the plan in advance — and they sparred in the press for a while. Farrah even said he had a tiny ween, but he brushed that off like dirt on his shoulder.
I respect her right to have that opinion. If you think I have a small penis, that’s fine. I don’t care. I’m not going to be offended by what you said, and I’m definitely not going to get into a public pissing match with you.
He goes on to tell a similar story about tabloids assuming he and Lindsay Lohan were dating after hanging out while working on “The Canyons.” But if he had his pick of co-stars, who would he want?
That’s hard to say, because so much of it depends on personality. You look at somebody like Halle Berry or Charlize Theron and they’re undeniably gorgeous. But I don’t know them. For all I know, they’re complete bitches. Personality goes a long way.
Fair enough. But here’s where things get weird — who would he definitely NOT want?
“I won’t have sex with anyone dressed like a clown. They are creepy. I’ve done it only once, and it was terrifying.”
Check your privilege, Jimmy. Not every clown wants to bone you.
Farrah Abraham‘s “Let’s talk about Farrah Abraham” press tour is currently in its Florida leg, so she recently gave an interview to the Miami NewTimes. And in between reading David Hume’s “A Treatise on Human Nature” and daintily nibbling on crumpets, she repeated her lame story that James Deen, her porn co-star, leaked what she intended to be a “private” tape. (Because Farrah attended the Walter White school of lying.)
The interviewer, Allie Contri, then said it was “pretty shitty” of Deen to leak their tape (a phrase Edward R. Murrow employed often), and then used that as a springboard onto the subject we all wanted Farrah to discuss: feminism.
Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I’m pretty feminine. I think so.
Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?
No, that’s not what I’m asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?
It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day.
So, not just on Tuesdays? For someone who holds herself up as a role model for women, a 21st century single mother who’s in control of her sexuality, she may want to crack a book once in a while. But in all fairness, she also believes “misogyny” is a fear of miso soup. So, you know.
Undaunted, Ms. Contri pressed on, asking Farrah about her ungodly abomination of an album. Farrah wasn’t in the mood, wanting to promote her strip club appearance at Vivid Live instead.
And so —
So was this not about the club at all? Because I’ll make sure to tell Jackie [from Vivid] that we didn’t mention any details.
What’s your role gonna be for the club?
I’m here to talk about it, because I’m going to be there promoting it. It will be September 12th, Thursday. And I will be there from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. It’s for Vivid Live, and they put $10 million into it.
Do you like the way Vivid handled your tape, now that all is said and done?
You know what, I’m just going to get off the phone, but I wish you all the best.
So that’s it, folks. Farrah Abraham is the new chest face of feminism. Do away with your Mary Wollstonecraft books. Forget that period where you devoted four years to becoming a Plathian scholar.
Just pay to take a picture with Farrah Abraham in a Miami strip club, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and watch the patriarchy crumble beneath your stilettos.