Evil Paparazzi Caused Dina Lohan to Drive Drunk

Instagram/Vodka
Instagram/Vodka

Dina Lohan appeared in court today for her drunk driving arrest last month with an alleged BAC of .2 and, as per usual, was all ready to pin this thing on the real villain: paparazzi.

Mark Heller, her self-parodying lawyer, gave a statement after the hearing, saying:

“It is the professional opinion of the evaluator that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely caused by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks the paparazzi, media attention and distorted tabloid character profiles.”

“After meeting Dina and her family and witnessing the care, compassion and concern shared by family members,  it is my hope that the courts will take the challenges of Dina’s lifestyle under consideration in prosecuting this case.”

It sounds like Heller may enjoy the gin made in Lindsay Lohan‘s childhood bathtub just as much as Dina does.

The paparazzi excuse is cute, but completely fails to explain Dina’s drunken stupors the other 364 days of the year. Not to mention that judges don’t typically let people go just because they have a family who cares about them (which, in Dina’s case, is dubious).

It’s not clear whether Dina seriously thinks this approach will work, but she probably does. She’s 51 and still believes the Whiskey Fairy raids her liquor cabinets.

(Hint: It’s Ali.)

Dina Lohan Got Drunk and Drove Around, As Usual. But This Time, the Cops Got Her.

Johnny Law
Johnny Law

Dina Lohan, walking performance art and mother of Lindsay Lohan, was nabbed for driving drunk in Long Island last night after going 20 miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Her blood alcohol level was 0.20 percent — which actually sounds like she’d been restraining herself.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Dina Lohan arrest if she didn’t kick it up a notch, which she did by feigning an injury. After police called an ambulance and checked her out, they quickly discovered she was full of shit and, according to the police report, “she recanted her claim.”

After posing for the above mugshot — which says “Please just take me home, I just want to watch ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ and drink a juice box” — she was released to a friend and presumably went somewhere to sleep it off. She’s due in court later this month, when we predict she’ll scream “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leap from her chair, throwing an empty box of Franzia at the judge.

None of this should be shocking. While the human body is made up of roughly 75 percent water, Dina Lohan’s is made up of roughly 60 percent vodka strained through an old sock. Or maybe Dina Lohan is the old sock. An old sock that can drive.

This metaphor has fallen apart, but it sure is a great image.

dina-lohan