Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s Split Is More Pretentious Than Brunch in the Hamptons

Because Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even have her heart broken like a poor, she took to her website today to announce that she and her husband of more than a decade, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are “consciously uncoupling.”

GOOP crashed hard (and is still down as of this writing) but here’s a screencap:


This is all very sad and WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN and whatever, but look at the photo she included. See, when normal people break up, they take Magic Markers and draw evil eyebrows on their exes. Not the Paltrow-Martins.

It looks like they commissioned a portrait session for their split complete with sundresses and ties casually askew, and they probably had Cee Lo’s “Forget You” playing the whole time (Gwyneth’s version from “Glee,” naturally) because they’re evolved enough to already be good friends who can laugh at breakup songs with no residual bitterness at all.

But I like to imagine that late at night, when no one’s looking, she heads for the kitchen and breakup-binges like any other girl. (With an $800 bottle of wine and beluga caviar on gluten-free gourmet crackers, of course.)

Gwyneth-Paltrow eating

An Evil School Bus Tried to Prevent Gwyneth Paltrow From Saving the World

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were innocently picking up their children, Apple and Moses, from school last week when some arch rivals attempted to keep her from performing her super duties.

As they were getting ready to leave, the Paltrow Signal went up into the sky — signifying that someone was purchasing pants made of cotton (instead of fair-trade, hand-spun mermaid hair). So she took off, with Apple in tow, to save the day.

But a nefarious school bus full of disgusting, deviant children (who rides the bus besides The Poors?) tried to slam into the Goop Mobile. That was when she activated her rocket thrusters and made a fast break in true heroic fashion.

Some may say she was putting Apple’s life in danger, but she totally wasn’t. You know what puts Apple’s life in danger? A 40-year-old woman in Des Moines buying bagged lentils because she’s too lazy to go to Bangladesh and pick them herself, that’s who.

Luckily for the school bus, Gwynnie opted to be generous and not decapitate the driver with her kale boomerang.

Bide your time, orange beast. The Goop Avenger is watching (and not signaling).