Charlie Sheen’s Twins Are Back With Their Mom and He’s Totally Losing His Shit Over It

Stand back. He could blow at any minute.
Stand back. He could blow at any minute.

The sad, sad saga of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller‘s twin sons Bob and Max has a whole new chapter — and it’s already making Charlie come unglued.

Once Denise Richards was forced to wash her lovely hands of the situation (because the kids have all the hallmarks of miniature serial killers in the making), it left the boys sorta homeless because Child Services had already deemed both their parents unfit for custody. That’s when Brooke’s brother Scott stepped in and volunteered to take them.

Trouble is, Scott lives quite a ways away from where Bob and Max have been living, so in order to keep them from having to switch schools, a judge okay’d Scott (and the kids) moving in to Brooke’s house. Which is, you know, weird since Brooke isn’t allowed to have them in her care — yet what just happened is she got her kids back. With a full-time manny, even.

Suffice it to say that shoved Charlie right off the edge on which he already spends most of his days precariously teetering — so of course he immediately took to Twitter and promptly violated a gag order barring him from talking about the custody case publicly.

so lemme see if I got this straight.
my twin boys are now in harms way and in grave danger.
being “raised” by a gaggle
of incompetent and lascivious
marionettes all ruled and fooled by an adderol snorting
husk called Brooke.

and guess what CPS and
“I’m Italian” judge anus-brain,
you may have gagged me temporarily, but mark my unspoken words,
anything happens to my boys,
and you will know get to know me,
know who I truly am,
a loving father.
tag – I’m it.
c

And then:

and if this means being jailed
for loving and trying to protect my children,
then go for it.
I have as many friends on
the inside as i do out here.
my passion WILL NOT be silenced.
you are all now standing in my way.
I’d recommend a shift in
your geography.
c

The kicker to all this is Brooke’s house and Charlie’s house are both in the same gated community — he bought her the nearby pad (during happier, less gag-ordery times) so he’d be able to see their boys on the regular. Which means this new custody arrangement will quite literally be going on right under his nose.

That’ll end well.

(Oh, and fair warning: I call dibs on “Judge Anus-Brain” next Halloween.)

Denise Richards Just Can’t Anymore With Charlie Sheen’s Twins

Twitter
Twitter

Denise Richards, who’s had temporary guardianship of the 4-year-old twins her ex-husband Charlie Sheen had with nuclear hot mess Brooke Mueller, has finally reached the end of her incredibly generous rope.

In a lengthy and unbelievably sad letter (seriously, that thing reads like a Greek tragedy) that Richards wrote to the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services, she says little Bob and Max are “violent and out of control,” and in light of how physically abusive they are to her dogs and to her other children, she can no longer have them in her home.

The trouble with the boys also extends to the school they’ve been attending since September, where “Bob in particular has harmed other kids and punched and slapped teachers in the face.”

In the letter, Denise connects the bad conduct to the time the kids spend at Brooke’s home, claiming they act out violently when they are returned to Denise. She also says the kids have had horrible nightmares after returning from Brooke’s home, where the kids would stay up with her til 4 AM.

In the long letter to DCFS, Denise — who has temporary guardianship of the boys while Brooke deals with her drug problems — says pediatricians have advised her to seek psychological counseling for the boys, but Brooke has blocked that effort.

Basically, Denise suspects she has a couple tiny budding sociopaths on her hands, and now she wants them the hell out of her house. No one can blame her — for Christ’s sake, she’s been taking care of two kids that aren’t even hers for months now just to give them some stability (and possibly a relationship with their half-sisters). She’s gone WAY above and beyond.

In the meantime, Charlie and Brooke, the boys’ actual parents, are providing plenty of backstory that’ll be used by a defense attorney someday. Because instead of figuring out how to provide a stable home for their sons, they’re trading insults and restraining order requests and fake hand grenades. You know, just like all loving parents do.

New Red Band ‘Machete Kills’ Trailer Will Disembowel You [NSFW]

2010’s “Machete” was an odd duck. A throwback to ’70s exploitation pictures, it starred Danny Trejo as the titular assassin going on a rampage of revenge and also featured Lindsay Lohan, Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba and Steven Seagal. It was fun, but suffered from an uneven tone and narrative disjointedness.

Now, Machete’s back — and a brand new red band trailer gives us a sneak peek of the carnage he’ll bring.

This time around the villain is played by Mel Gibson, whose motives are unclear (not that it matters). Michelle Rodriguez is back playing a different character than the first film, Sofia Vergara is a woman who can shoot bullets out of her crotch and breasts, and Charlie Sheen is the President. We also get Vanessa Hudgens, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga and Cuba Gooding Jr. in various roles.

The trailer’s barely over half a minute, but we see multiple people’s intestines get thrown into helicopter blades, sucking them up and dicing them. There are explosions, decapitations, genital mutilation, impalings and Gibson wearing a cape. Holy hell, this looks entertaining.

It seems like everyone involved is having more fun this time around, especially Gibson, who really hams it up. Lady Gaga, too, seems to love getting a chance to revisit that Latin accent she rocked in “Alejandro.”

“Machete Kills” hacks its way into theaters October 11th. Bring a blood poncho.