The masculinity that once made Bruce Jenner‘s face so handsome has long since been surgically or otherwise excised (along with his athleticism, pride and original nose). As if that weren’t enough, now there’s this:
Bruce Jenner is flattening his Adam’s Apple … TMZ has learned.
Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … the Olympian met with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon today for a consultation for a procedure called a Laryngeal Shave — which smooths out the Adam’s Apple.
The procedure is typically done on patients who are in the first stage of gender reassignment, but Bruce tells TMZ that is NOT the case with him. He says, “I just never liked my trachea.”
We know this is Bruce’s second visit to the office.
I … but he … what?
Is “I just never liked my trachea” the new “I’d look so much better with bigger boobs”? What man gives enough of a shit about the appearance of his Adam’s Apple to consider having it surgically shaved? And is Kris Jenner using the leftovers to build her own?
Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.
Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.
1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)
2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.
3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!
4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.
5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.
6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.
7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)
8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”
9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.
Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!
So here’s a video of Alejandro Rojas, a ufologist and writer at Open Minds Magazine (which deals in such topics), monotonously discussing how he took the Kardashian Klan out to visit Area 51 for a recent episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
Kris, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie and Bruce piled into an RV along with Travis Walton – alleged abductee – and set out looking for UFOs or some other 2spooky phenomena. Basically, they just drove into the desert, got close to the signs bordering Area 51, and were spotted by guys in scary “Men In Black” vehicles who sat there watching them until they left.
The best part of this is that Rojas seems to think that the Kardashian interest will somehow lend credibility to the subject of ufology, which is so utterly misguided, we don’t know where to begin. He also asserts “they were all super smart,” which is even less believable than the claim that aliens have crash-landed on Earth.
Unfortunately, none of our famewhore friends were abducted. Possibly because the aliens recognized that Bruce was one of them.
Even though lots of familiar faces were present when Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian, one distinctive (and disturbing) face wasn’t – Bruce Jenner‘s. That’s because Kanye didn’t even invite him.
TMZ reports that Bruce didn’t learn of the engagement until after the fact, and that he and Kanye have never had a “real conversation.” (Implying any of the Kardashians know what a real conversation is.)
It’s not clear why Bruce wasn’t invited, but if cake was served afterwards they probably just wanted everyone to have an appetite. And even though Bruce is her step-dad, Kim considers him her real father, and he got the first call after the engagement. How sweet.
Of course, If Bruce had gone, he probably would have gotten into an argument and been turned into a newt by Kanye’s Yeezus powers. And trust us, you do not want to see a newt with Bruce Jenner’s head. Everything worked out for the best.
Not a few days after Bruce and Kris Jenner announced their separation, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger has already set her sights on getting one of them for an E!/Bravo masturbatory crossover by calling up Bruce’s people and trying to get him on her show.
E! caught up with Patti at a Life & Style party in Hollywood, where she said:
“I think the way they’re handling it is wonderful. I mean a lot of people should take a page from Kris and Bruce’s book. I’m sure this is coming from a long time ago, it wasn’t a shock to them. It wasn’t like yesterday to them. They planned it, they did a really good job.”
So Bruce and Kris get an A+ for their mad separating skills. Even though all they really did was move into different houses months ago and meet up to pretend they were in a loving relationship for the sake of television cameras. Anyone could do that.
But Patti continued, saying she had already put out a call to Bruce’s people to get him on “The Millionaire Matchmaker” – an offer you know he’s going to take. Because attention. She then espoused her views on the perfect man for Kris (besides masochistic):
“Kris is all woman. She needs to go for a younger guy. I have to think on Kris. I’d like a guy like 10-12 years younger than her, who really likes the fast lane, who wants to build the empire, who wants to be in the front lines. The guy that really makes her feel confident and he wants wealth, he wants power. A go-getter. Maybe a Silicon Valley guy.”
That’s a lot of qualifications there. Maybe you should first concentrate on finding a guy who can live with the fact that his penis will be going into territory formerly occupied by Bruce Jenner’s melted candlestick.
But if anyone can find a match for these two, it’s Patti. Or Satan. Satan could probably do it.
Just like the incompetent elected officials in Washington, the Kardashian family seems to be on its last legs. First came the news that Kris and Bruce Jenner were “separated” because he was sick of her bullshit. Now Khloe is getting ready to pull the trigger on divorcing husband Lamar Odom while he smokes crack and watches H.R. Pufnstuf reruns.
TMZ reports that Khloe is “anxious” to end the marriage (like a band aid after plastic surgery), but she isn’t speaking with lawyers yet out of fear it will drive him to suicide or overdose. They also claim their prenup keeps all of their assets separate – so nobody has to argue over who gets to keep the extensive pipe collection.
Meanwhile, Kim continues to instagram while her baby is wrapped up like a tiny, uninteresting Boris Karloff.
Of course, the interesting thing here will be to watch which direction all of this takes their nest egg show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Will they address it head on or will there be multiple scenes where Khloe and Kris polish off boxes of cronuts while weeping silently? And who is John Boehner in this analogy?
“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”
Well, that’s what Bruce said anyway. Kris’ statement was more like “now that I’m more famous than he is I don’t need this loser anymore so I’m ghosting,” but that’s hard for Ryan Seacrest to read through a Botoxed permasmile so they went with Bruce’s statement instead.
TMZ says no one’s filed for divorce nor is anyone all that interested in doing so since they “don’t want to screw up their reality show … which is raking in $40 mil for the family.”
You know, the same family that’s their “number one priority.”