Ariana Grande Is A Crazy Person

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Ariana Grande is a pint-sized singer (although no one I know can name any of her songs) who was previously linked to Justin Bieber. Also? She’s batshit crazy.

Ariana gave an interview to Complex Magazine, wherein the interviewer quickly deviated from her music and into her belief in the existence of the paranormal. That’s when Ariana revealed she’s being stalked by demons.

Have you ever seen an alien?

Not an alien, but I’ve had a ghost/demon experience. We were in Kansas City a few weeks ago and went to this haunted castle and were so excited. The next night we wanted to go to Stull Cemetery, which is known as one of the seven gates to hell on Earth. The Pope won’t fly over it—

I’ve had a ghost/demon experience. We went to this haunted castle and were so excited…

I love that you know that. Sorry, go on.

I felt this sick, overwhelming feeling of negativity over the whole car and we smelled sulfur, which is the sign of a demon, and there was a fly in the car randomly, which is another sign of a demon. I was like, “This is scary, let’s leave.” I rolled down the window before we left and said, “We apologize. We didn’t mean to disrupt your peace.” Then I took a picture and there are three super distinct faces in the picture—they’re faces of textbook demons.

Textbook demons, you guys. Also there was a fly. A FLY! They call flies “Satan’s Flying Phalluses” in many circles.

But wait! There’s more:

Let’s see the picture.

I deleted it. The next day I tried to send the picture to my manager and it said, “This file can’t be sent, it’s 666 megabytes.” I’m not kidding. I used to have a folder called “Demons” that had pictures with all the screencaps in it, but then weird things started happening to me so I deleted it.

Now you know Ariana is special, because she has the only iPhone on the planet that takes 666 megabyte jpeg files, which should be around 23 megabytes tops. Or maybe her email carrier got it wrong. Trick question! It was the curse of the demon folder.

What weird things?

I was going to sleep about two weeks ago. I had just gotten off the phone and as soon as I closed my eyes I heard this really loud rumble right by my head. When I opened my eyes it stopped immediately, but when I closed my eyes it started again with whispers. Every time I closed my eyes I started seeing these really disturbing images with, like, red shapes. Then I opened my eyes and got back on the phone and was like, “I’m really scared and I don’t want to go to bed tonight.” And then I scooched over to the left side of my bed, because that’s where the best service is in my room, and there was this massive black matter. I don’t know what it was.

Sounds like a serious (black) matter. We also don’t believe she’s talking about dark matter, because if physicists don’t get it, Ariana Grande doesn’t get it. But she does get demons.

What?!?

It was like a cloud of something black right next to me. I started crying. I was on the phone like, “What do I do, what do I do?” and they said, “Tell it to eff off.” I thought, I’m not going to do that. It’s going to upset it, so I’m just going to chill and not feed into it because all it wants is fear. It feeds on fear. I watched it move to the front of my bed and then I fell asleep on the phone. I woke up and it was gone. The next night my friend Tyler was staying with me. She said she was trying to sleep and her body felt paralyzed almost, and she described the same exact thing I saw.

So there you have it — a mysterious black cloud that can paralyze bodies and is a complete enigma to Ariana Grande, except for the fact that she can anthropomorphize it and baselessly claim to know it feeds on fear.

That said, she’s able to be oddly cute and captivating while demonstrating her complete and total mental instability. It’s sort of adorable. And scary.

She’s playing with our emotions. Kind of like … a demon would. OH GOD. DESTROY YOUR ARIANA GRANDE RECORDS BEFORE IT’S TOO L-AAAAHHNNNNGGGGGG