Designers love Rihanna. And why not? She may be trash, but unlike Miley Cyrus, she’s authentic trash. Girl’s not faking that shit. She earned it. And — in all seriousness — Rih has a smokin’ bod and is freaking gorgeous. It’s no wonder designers want to dress her up like their own little buzzed Barbadian doll.
So there’s your preface for this gift Rihanna got from Vivienne Westwood (known for her punk and new wave sensibilities):
That’s not just any penis purse. That’s a fancy, designer penis purse! And the only thing to do with a fancy, designer penis purse is to take it out on the town. And maybe pretend you grew it yourself.
Normally this is where we’d be all “stay classy, Rihanna!” but we can’t even do that because HOLY HELL SHE’S MAKING A MILEY FACE. On what planet does that dirty naked bumpkin influence HRH Rihanna instead of the other way around? THIS WILL NOT STAND.
Right now there should be a moratorium on exposed celebrity tongues, because since Miley thinks she invented short hair, she’s also prone to believing her marketing team created the first tongue in a lab solely for her.
So roll that thing back in your cakehole, RiRi. We’ll let you know when it’s safe for it to come out again.