We Watched Rihanna’s ‘Pour It Up’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.


Rihanna’s been pretty busy lately (even if she says otherwise). But in between posting naked Instagram photos and wielding penis purses, she managed to shoot a video for “Pour It Up,” and it’s pretty much exactly like you’d expect. Here’s the breakdown.

:03 – Rihanna is standing on Dagobah, the swampy planet on which Yoda took refuge.

:08 – Her shoes have dollar bills on them. Blatant Illuminati shoutout.

:18 – Rihanna has on a Carey Mulligan wig, Mardi Gras nipple tassels and the Incredible Hulk’s ripped up shorts. Okay.

:20 – I think she’s saying “Bowl it uh.” I think.

:24 – A stripper dances while wearing a baseball cap improperly. (You’re supposed to wear them forward and bend the brim. Baseball. Look it up.)

:27 – Baseball cap stripper is twerking for an invisible audience while a green light attempts to beam her up.  Call Mulder.

:33 – More strippers. They’re already in their panties, so they aren’t technically stripping. Major oversight.

:38 – There’s a twerking smurf. REPEAT: TWERKING SMURF.

:41 – Rihanna is still on her throne, and she has ridiculously bad posture. Like, really, Rihanna? That can come back to haunt you.

:46 – The more I look at this water they’re standing in, the more it looks like a sewer system. Like some sort of fecal twerking trend.

:47 – There’s Smurfette again. She really went down a bad path, huh?

:54 – Rihanna throws up some money, callously taunting people who are denied basic human needs during the government shutdown.

:58 – Her posture is even worse when she pretends to masturbate. And she doesn’t really even look that into it, either.

1:05 – She’s now grinding her throne like a sexually-repressed person living in the isolated wilderness with only a chair, forced to feign coitus with furniture in lieu of a human’s touch.


1:13 – The strippers continue their dancing in the green dimension.

1:19 – Rihanna has money in her mouth now. Honestly, the health ramifications of all of this are staggering.

1:25 – Gratuitous ass.

1:29 – Now I think she’s actually saying “That’s how we fall out.” So maybe this is a breakup song.

1:33 – Strippers walking on air. Kinda looks like a James Bond intro.

1:35 – Money licking.

1:39 – There’s a stripper in a neon suit rejected from “Tron: Legacy” dancing beside a renaissance sculpture.

1:43 – Rihanna violently thrusts her hips downward like she’s trying to gag the pool of water with her imaginary penis.

1:48 – She’s now spread-eagle on a chair, which is actually a better position for her spine than when she was sitting.

1:50 – She’s sitting again, so that didn’t last long.

2:01 – This is the dance of a woman who doesn’t know what else to do.

2:09 – The stripper on the left side looks like she’s waiting for grim death.

2:23 – Rihanna throws more money. SUCK IT, POORS!

2:30 – Baseball cap stripper has played out her entire repertoire and is now just pointing at the camera.

2:35 – More twerking. Songs like this really shouldn’t be more than a minute. Tops.

2:45 – Brief shot of an ash tray. It has to be integral to the plot somehow. Chekhov’s gun is in effect.

2:54 – Lady stretches in green clouds.

2:57 – Now we’re just getting brief shots of everyone like in an amateur Vine.

3:01 – More simulated chair sex.

3:08 – She’s smoking a cigarello. Maybe she’ll put it out in the ash tray now. Why else would they have shown that ash tray?

3:11 – Video’s done. Ash tray issue remains unresolved.

I hate when they leave it to the viewer’s imagination.


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