We Watched Rihanna’s ‘Pour It Up’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnMMu0809_w

Rihanna’s been pretty busy lately (even if she says otherwise). But in between posting naked Instagram photos and wielding penis purses, she managed to shoot a video for “Pour It Up,” and it’s pretty much exactly like you’d expect. Here’s the breakdown.

:03 – Rihanna is standing on Dagobah, the swampy planet on which Yoda took refuge.

:08 – Her shoes have dollar bills on them. Blatant Illuminati shoutout.

:18 – Rihanna has on a Carey Mulligan wig, Mardi Gras nipple tassels and the Incredible Hulk’s ripped up shorts. Okay.

:20 – I think she’s saying “Bowl it uh.” I think.

:24 – A stripper dances while wearing a baseball cap improperly. (You’re supposed to wear them forward and bend the brim. Baseball. Look it up.)

:27 – Baseball cap stripper is twerking for an invisible audience while a green light attempts to beam her up.  Call Mulder.

:33 – More strippers. They’re already in their panties, so they aren’t technically stripping. Major oversight.

:38 – There’s a twerking smurf. REPEAT: TWERKING SMURF.

:41 – Rihanna is still on her throne, and she has ridiculously bad posture. Like, really, Rihanna? That can come back to haunt you.

:46 – The more I look at this water they’re standing in, the more it looks like a sewer system. Like some sort of fecal twerking trend.

:47 – There’s Smurfette again. She really went down a bad path, huh?

:54 – Rihanna throws up some money, callously taunting people who are denied basic human needs during the government shutdown.

:58 – Her posture is even worse when she pretends to masturbate. And she doesn’t really even look that into it, either.

1:05 – She’s now grinding her throne like a sexually-repressed person living in the isolated wilderness with only a chair, forced to feign coitus with furniture in lieu of a human’s touch.

1:08 – HAND GESTURE INTERLUDE

1:13 – The strippers continue their dancing in the green dimension.

1:19 – Rihanna has money in her mouth now. Honestly, the health ramifications of all of this are staggering.

1:25 – Gratuitous ass.

1:29 – Now I think she’s actually saying “That’s how we fall out.” So maybe this is a breakup song.

1:33 – Strippers walking on air. Kinda looks like a James Bond intro.

1:35 – Money licking.

1:39 – There’s a stripper in a neon suit rejected from “Tron: Legacy” dancing beside a renaissance sculpture.

1:43 – Rihanna violently thrusts her hips downward like she’s trying to gag the pool of water with her imaginary penis.

1:48 – She’s now spread-eagle on a chair, which is actually a better position for her spine than when she was sitting.

1:50 – She’s sitting again, so that didn’t last long.

2:01 – This is the dance of a woman who doesn’t know what else to do.

2:09 – The stripper on the left side looks like she’s waiting for grim death.

2:23 – Rihanna throws more money. SUCK IT, POORS!

2:30 – Baseball cap stripper has played out her entire repertoire and is now just pointing at the camera.

2:35 – More twerking. Songs like this really shouldn’t be more than a minute. Tops.

2:45 – Brief shot of an ash tray. It has to be integral to the plot somehow. Chekhov’s gun is in effect.

2:54 – Lady stretches in green clouds.

2:57 – Now we’re just getting brief shots of everyone like in an amateur Vine.

3:01 – More simulated chair sex.

3:08 – She’s smoking a cigarello. Maybe she’ll put it out in the ash tray now. Why else would they have shown that ash tray?

3:11 – Video’s done. Ash tray issue remains unresolved.

I hate when they leave it to the viewer’s imagination.

 

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