Ignorant Redneck Phil Robertson Will Return to Your Televisions Shortly

Douche Dynasty
Douche Dynasty

Phil Robertsontransient hobo star of A&E’s somehow-hit show “Duck Dynasty,” will be allowed back onto the show after all those slack-jawed acquaintances you went to high school with petitioned on Facebook for his reinstatement.

This all began after Robertson spouted off about how gay people are bad and vaginas are, you know, totally cooler than butts. He followed this up with some delightfully tasteful comments about how black people were just peachy before that pesky “civil rights” thing came about. A&E promptly suspended him, and the outcry began.

Robertson became an unwashed hero to the unwashed masses. Thousands of angry, uneducated simpletons bombarded the network with (most likely) terribly misspelled letters claiming that this was a “free speech issue.” There is, of course, no free speech in corporate America. You have the right to bigoted, hateful speech, but you don’t have a right to keep your job while spewing it.

Regardless, Mr. Robertson — not to be confused with that other bigoted idiot, Pat  Robertson — is coming back to television. The good news is you don’t have to watch it. You can just kick back with an issue of The New Yorker and pity people who do. Sort of like we do with “Honey Boo Boo” and “Hannity.”

We may be going to hell, but whatever’s down there can’t be worse than watching 45 minutes of the Robertson family “stroking their beards” — if you know what we mean, and we think you do — and thumping bibles.