Amanda Bynes’ New Name Is Disabled. Gravely Disabled.

@amandabynes, Twitter
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Remember that time TMZ reported that all the drugs mashed up into Amanda Bynes‘ daily bowl of peanut butter and marijuana were working and she was getting better? None of that was true at all.

In fact, doctors deemed it necessary to extend Mander’s psych hold for another 30 days, saying she is “gravely disabled.” Meanwhile, her parents have been granted temporary conservatorship so they can make sure she doesn’t spend any more money on electric socks or bong footballs. TMZ reports:

The conservatorship not only covers Amanda’s personal well-being, it gives her mom the ability to manage her finances.  Amanda’s $4 million savings have been rapidly depleted, though it’s unclear what she’s been spending money on.  The judge cautioned the parents not to make any significant deals without consulting with Amanda’s lawyer.

This judge is worried about her parents making a deal with … who? Maybe there’s a pet accelerant company just waiting for an endorsement. Meanwhile, Amanda’s lawyer is busy googling how much plane tickets to Uruguay cost this time of year.

So the moral of the story is that if you’re rich, you can go all over the country running people over and assaulting random strangers like a methed-out Tasmanian devil and your reign of terror will only be stopped once you endanger an animal.

‘Canyons’ Director Paul Schrader Says Lindsay Lohan Is a Talented Psychopath

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Remember Paul Schrader? That guy who brought you “American Gigolo” and the insanely popular “Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist”? Well, now that he’s realized no one wants to see his latest effort, “The Canyons,” starring Lindsay Lohan (see: drug addict) and James Deen (see: porn star), he’s started the obligatory press tour, telling behind-the-scenes drama about Lindsay snorting cocaine off the backs of baby elephants while wearing a rain poncho being Lindsay.

“Tardiness, unpredictability, tantrums, absences, neediness, psychodrama—yes, all that, but something more,” Schrader told Film Comment magazine. “That thing that keeps you watching someone on screen, that thing you can’t take your eyes off of, that magic, that mystery.”

Alright, Paul. I’m no expert, but I believe the word you are desperately searching for here is “tits.” There’s nothing mysterious about them (except maybe why we don’t have more public monuments dedicated to the subject).

But then he raised the pretentious shittiness to a whole new level, directly comparing Lohan to Marilyn Monroe.

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