Lindsay Lohan Might Wake Up With a Horse Head, Courtesy of Oprah

Keep smiling or I'll cuttabitch.
Keep smiling or I’ll cuttabitch.

Lindsay Lohan is (allegedly) still clean following her most recent stint in rehab, but since she probably doesn’t want to be stuck doing dreck like “The Canyons” forever, Oprah‘s been helping a sissah out.

First there was the post-rehab sit-down during which LiLo was dubbed Obvious, Queen of Obviousness after admitting she’s an addict. But that was only the first part of the collaboration — they’re also working on an eight-part docuseries about Lindsay’s life. And in exchange for all this, Oprah’s writing her a $2 million check.

But Lindsay must have mistaken the Big O for someone who’d put up with her shit, because according to TMZ, “Lindsay was a disaster at the beginning of the project — at times just being a no-show” and later blaming it on her super busy schedule that included “spending time trying to find an apartment in NYC, other projects she was trying to finish, ‘miscommunications’ between her people and the folks at OWN,” etc.

When Oprah was done laughing at the “other projects” thing, she paid a personal visit to Lohan, channeled her best Marlon Brando, and made Lindsay an offer she couldn’t refuse: Stop screwing around or the docuseries and the 2 mil were history. Capiche?

Since that friendly little chat, sources say everyone’s favorite effed-up ginger has been minding her Ps and Qs, but Oprah’s still watching her little investment “like a hawk.”