Miley Cyrus has been busy lately. While her tongue escaped her mouth and ravaged downtown Los Angeles like a misfit kaiju monster, Miles went to Germany to mingle with the little people (literally). Now, as the world rallies to get rid of her, she has released a new video for “Wrecking Ball.”
Join us as we travel into another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. And venereal diseases. This will be a journey into the wondrous land whose bounderies are that of the imagination. At the sign post up ahead, your next stop: the Miley Zone.
:03 – Remember what Miley Cyrus’ face looks like? Here’s a refresher.
:12 – She seems sad. Probably because she lost her gummy bears endorsement after the VMAs.
:32 – She’s got a weapon! Look out, Selena Gomez!
:42 – Miley saunters around a concrete room, which may or may not be the cell Billy Ray keeps her in.
:48 – SLEDGEHAMMER SEXYTIME
:50 – Unbeknownst to Miley, Taylor Swift has ordered a hit, but she escapes the wrecking ball last minute. (Shit.)
:55 – Does the chorus here sound a little bit like Gotye, or is it just us?
:57 – Bra? What’s a bra?
1:04 – Miley boards the wrecking ball, fearlessly taunting her attackers.
1:10 – The sledgehammer represents a penis. There. We said it.
1:14 – And thus, the “naked women on wrecking balls” porn sub-genre was born. Top that, Japan.
1:23 – Sledgehammer internal monologue: “JESUSCHRISTPLEASESENDHELP.”
1:27 – Miley is now Ripley from “Alien.”
1:31 – Off camera, crew members are being hosed down in hand sanitizer.
1:36 – We can only hope real construction workers don’t try this. Ever.
1:38 – Miley slams some cement, representing our heads.
1:40 – Her hair has become sentient. It’s more Trump-esque by the minute.
1:47 – This is boring. Can we watch the Katy Perry video again after this?
1:49 – Permission has been granted. Thank Christ.
1:50 – Miley lays on a bed of broken cement blocks, the remnants of her respectability.
1:54 – The chain, too, is Liam Hemsworth’s penis for the purposes of this demonstration.
1:57 – MILEY JUST PUNCHED HERSELF IN THE FACE. SUDDENLY IT’S ALL WORTH IT.
2:10 – The remaining bit of wall sees what’s going on, commits suicide.
2:18 – We will say this – she has spectacular teeth for a reptilian.
2:20 – Gratuitous ass.
2:25 – Still thinking about that Katy Perry video.
2:34 – If this song is so tragic, why is she orgasming every 15 seconds?
2:53 – BOOM.
3:05 – Miley stands in front of a secret Illuminati symbol. We’re onto you.
3:10 – Shit is hitting the fan. This is what happens when you dance with molly.
3:34 – Apparently Miley can and has stopped. Finally.
3:38 – Terry Richardson was apparently proud of this, because he put his name on it. No one is surprised.
Go take a cold shower, everyone. You’ve earned it.