We Watched Miley Cyrus’ ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Miley Cyrus has been busy lately. While her tongue escaped her mouth and ravaged downtown Los Angeles like a misfit kaiju monster, Miles went to Germany to mingle with the little people (literally). Now, as the world rallies to get rid of her, she has released a new video for “Wrecking Ball.”

Join us as we travel into another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. And venereal diseases. This will be a journey into the wondrous land whose bounderies are that of the imagination. At the sign post up ahead, your next stop: the Miley Zone.

:03 – Remember what Miley Cyrus’ face looks like? Here’s a refresher.

:12 – She seems sad. Probably because she lost her gummy bears endorsement after the VMAs.

:32 – She’s got a weapon! Look out, Selena Gomez!

:42 – Miley saunters around a concrete room, which may or may not be the cell Billy Ray keeps her in.

:48 – SLEDGEHAMMER SEXYTIME

:50 – Unbeknownst to Miley, Taylor Swift has ordered a hit, but she escapes the wrecking ball last minute. (Shit.)

:55 – Does the chorus here sound a little bit like Gotye, or is it just us?

:57 – Bra? What’s a bra?

1:04 – Miley boards the wrecking ball, fearlessly taunting her attackers.

1:10 – The sledgehammer represents a penis. There. We said it.

1:14 – And thus, the “naked women on wrecking balls” porn sub-genre was born. Top that, Japan.

1:23 – Sledgehammer internal monologue: “JESUSCHRISTPLEASESENDHELP.”

1:27 – Miley is now Ripley from “Alien.”

1:31 – Off camera, crew members are being hosed down in hand sanitizer.

1:36 – We can only hope real construction workers don’t try this. Ever.

1:38 – Miley slams some cement, representing our heads.

1:40 – Her hair has become sentient. It’s more Trump-esque by the minute.

1:47 – This is boring. Can we watch the Katy Perry video again after this?

1:49 – Permission has been granted. Thank Christ.

1:50 – Miley lays on a bed of broken cement blocks, the remnants of her respectability.

1:54 – The chain, too, is Liam Hemsworth’s penis for the purposes of this demonstration.

1:57 – MILEY JUST PUNCHED HERSELF IN THE FACE. SUDDENLY IT’S ALL WORTH IT.

2:10 – The remaining bit of wall sees what’s going on, commits suicide.

2:18 – We will say this – she has spectacular teeth for a reptilian.

2:20 – Gratuitous ass.

2:25 – Still thinking about that Katy Perry video.

2:34 – If this song is so tragic, why is she orgasming every 15 seconds?

2:53 – BOOM.

3:05 – Miley stands in front of a secret Illuminati symbol. We’re onto you.

3:10 – Shit is hitting the fan.  This is what happens when you dance with molly.

3:34 – Apparently Miley can and has stopped. Finally.

3:38 – Terry Richardson was apparently proud of this, because he put his name on it. No one is surprised.

 

Go take a cold shower, everyone. You’ve earned it.

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