Here’s the New Miley Cyrus Video for ‘Adore You’ That No One Asked For

It may be the day after Christmas, but Miley Cyrus just keeps on giving. A new video for “Adore You” has dropped, featuring the singer she-bopping herself beneath satin sheets and droning on about how much she loves an unnamed muse, which we’re safe to assume rhymes with Smiley Papyrus.

Lacking the understated sultriness of a Madonna or the poppy, fun upbeats of Cyndi Lauper, Miles spend the majority of the video writhing around in a bed with a video camera. It’s pretty much the same thing we’d imagine she does after drinking one too many juice boxes before being sent to bed.

Later on, she’s bathing in some sort of lace getup that would really not be conducive to loofah scrubbing at all. It really makes you wonder about Miley’s personal hygiene and, furthermore, Billy Ray’s — because how else does this sort of thing get passed on?

Despite being her most desperate attempt at boner-baiting, this is one of the least sensual things we’ve ever seen. She fondles herself like blind people grope faces in movies to picture how someone looks.

Ultimately, this is a boring video for a boring song. It’s so uneventful we couldn’t even write a timeline. But if you skip around and look at individual frames, you can interpret Miley’s expressions of bliss as pain and pretend to be shooting her with a taser. And that stretches the video’s novelty for at least another five minutes.

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