Happy Birthday, Madonna. Knock It Off.

Today, August 17th, is Madonna’s 55th birthday. That makes this as good an occasion as any to point out that Madge is morphing into an amalgamation of every young and potentially threatening pop star that crosses her path. In a bid to claw her way back to the top of the relevancy pile, Madonna has begun to systematically take on the attributes of her competition, sort of like in The Thing From Another World, only far more frightening.

Instagram
Instagram

Case in point: the above photo she shared (or goaded a young Brazilian boy into sharing) on her Instagram account, where she’s flashing a shiny new grill. It’s very reminiscent of the one a young Miley Cyrus, Esquire wore in her “We Can’t Stop” video. Rihanna, too, has a fancy mouthpiece. Setting aside the fact that Madge looks like Sloth from The Goonies at this angle, let’s remember that she’s still using terms like “booty pop” on her social networking pages. She’s 55.

Exhibit B: Madonna has now embraced Islam. While Lady Gaga was writing her ode to burqas (and murder) two months ago, Madonna posted the following snap on her Instagram, and captioned it “The Revolution of Love is on…Inshallah”:

Instagram
Instagram

This wouldn’t be so strange if she hadn’t, a few years ago, made a huge to-do about converting to Kabbalah –  a super cool cult Jewish sect that practices mysticism. Just last month she was celebrating her son Rocco’s bar mitzvah. But hey, if it looks like Islam is in vogue (Aha! Pun!), you should roll with it. Right? Let’s just hope Selena Gomez doesn’t begin slathering herself in processed meats or something.

Madonna has lost her way temporarily. She’s grasping at themes and aesthetics that she thinks will resonate as opposed to carving her own new, cultural niche. She cannot see over the tall grasses of EDM and strobe lights and a world where Snooki’s books become number one bestsellers. That can happen to anyone.

What we’re getting at, Madonna, is that we love you for you. Not because you can twerk or do a really good Andrew Dice Clay impression. Not because of your religious convictions or how you can apply perfume while riding a horse. Not because you can replicate others — but because you can innovate. So just try being yourself.

Instagram
Instagram

See? Much better. Happy Birthday.