These are troubling times in the Gaga kingdom. As you may or may not already know, Lady Gaga‘s new album ARTPOP looks to be about as in demand as the complete series of The Chevy Chase Show on Blu-ray. And desperate times call for desperate measures.
First, her single “Applause” tanked, falling to No. 7 on the iTunes charts. Katy Perry‘s new single “Roar” dominated, and even Luke Bryan rose above the one-time pop princess. To rectify the problem, Mother Monster set a contest into motion which will see the two little monsters who tweet the most receipts for “Applause” flown to Europe for a concert and meet and greet.
But apparently not every Lady G fan is a complete drone, because this set off bells for those who realized they were being tricked into buying the same mp3 file multiple times, and not everyone could afford to do that. Gaga then backed off, specifying they’d also eye “creative” types (read: the poors).
The TechHaus will collect your data as it feeds through Twitter, & remember its not just about purchases, we will choose creative monsters!
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) August 13, 2013
So, essentially, there are no rules here. She’ll pick whoever the fuck she wants. But the main objective is to get people to buy the song a lot, keep it afloat on iTunes and tweet Gaga pictures of the 35 iTunes emails confirming your purchase.
She also released this bizarre reverse psychology promo for the song, telling people she’s no longer relevant and to not buy the album. It’s supposed to be ironic, but it’s really just trying too damned hard — kind of like Meryl Streep disguising herself as a bush and then leaping out at unsuspecting joggers and telling them to see her new film.
But a lot is happening right now, and since most people are more interested in Oprah interviewing Lindsay Lohan, something even more drastic had to be done. So the logical step was to start a Twitter fight with Perez Hilton (exactly what we do whenever we want the IRS off our backs, by the way). So she fired off this brief missive to serve as a Dear John letter to Perez:
Still have the text Perez sent me of me in a wheelchair w the words KARMA written across + Madonna pointing a gun at me. Day of my accident
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) August 16, 2013
The “accident” she’s referring to was a broken hip, which led to the cancellation of her last tour and made her wheelchair-bound for a good while. Why Perez decided to snipe Lady G doesn’t really matter, because he’s a prick. You can leave it at that.
But things got interesting when Perez played into Gaga’s hand, allegedly showing up at her place of residence (surprisingly not a storage shed designed to look like a German expressionist film).
PEREZ HILTON IS AT GAGA'S APARTMENT OH MY GOD
— V6 (@JOHNNYVERSAYCE) August 18, 2013
This Prince Neptune gentlemen’s timeline proceeded to document Perez milling around the apartment building lobby, talking about how he wants to spit on the blogger, and trying to flag Gaga’s attention. Also, just for context, here’s one of his normal tweets:
STOP ALL THAT KOON SHIT
— V6 (@JOHNNYVERSAYCE) August 18, 2013
Anyway, Neptune’s harping eventually proved fruitful, with Gaga receiving his messages and making the problem go away via the power of love and acceptance. Or security.
This would be a good time to point out that Perez Hilton is much less of a pathetic figure than a sad one. He’s not exactly an expert fighter. But Gaga also said Perez may pave the way for other, far more sinister characters — implying they may pull some Mark David Chapman shit and wondering aloud if it takes public figures getting “shot in the head” for people to realize things have gone too far. But she wasn’t done, either, tweeting:
“@PerezHilton STAY AWAY FROM ME + MY FAMILY YOU ARE SICK TRYING TO RENT AN APARTMENT IN MY BUILDING TO STALK ME. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”
After the fallout, Gaga had to chastise fans for calling Perez mean things up to and including “faggot,” because apparently the subtlety of “Born This Way” completely escaped them. (Look, Perez Hilton may be a complete douche, but it has nothing to do with his sexual preferences. It’s about what’s on the inside.)
Then Perez wrote a lengthy blog post explaining he was just “house-hunting” in Gaga’s building. She didn’t believe him, and round and round they went. In public. On Twitter. (BuzzFeed has the entire thing chronicled, should you care to read the tweets.)
After Gaga sobered up and realized this wasn’t doing anything to help sales of the single, she deleted all of those messages so no more minions on either side could escalate things and start the most flamboyant culture war since Amanda Bynes and RuPaul went toe to stiletto’ed toe.