We Watched Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Katy Perry‘s “Roar” has overtaken Robin Thicke‘s “Blurred Lines” on the charts (good riddance), and that’s something worth celebrating. But the video for “Roar” also has some truly disturbing messages. It’s earth-shattering, and it will change your perceptions of life and death. (No, really.)

For the faint of heart, we’ve compiled an expedient guide to events as they occur. Join us, won’t you?

:02 – Apparently we are watching a “Motion theory adventure.” What the shit is that?

:08 – Cigarette burn in the film. We all get refunds!

:09 – Goddamnit. Nevermind.

:12 – Katy Perry emerges from a plane crash unscathed. (In case of emergency, use your boobs as a floatation device.)

:17 – A poor man’s Crocodile Dundee snaps a selfie in the middle of the plane wreckage, as the screams of the injured and dying fill his ears.

:23 – Another selfie, this time taken together. That’s two selfies in the first minute.

:31 – Without food, they are forced to slice up the bodies of other survivors! Just kidding. They’re just walking on a path. Kinda boring.

:40 – Crocodile Dundee is mauled to death.

:43 – Subjective camera shot from the tiger’s point of view like he’s Michael Myers.

:53 – Katy Perry reacts to various animals. If that’s your fetish, knock yourself out. Also, her dress is slightly more tattered. That’s good.

1:01 – There are menacing eyes in the dark. Jungles are scary.

1:11- The eyes are actually fireflies! OH, KATY PERRY.

1:18- Here’s a shot gratuitously stolen from “The Lion King,” used here to suggest Katy Perry is actually going slowly insane.

1:26 – Now she’s bending over a lot. It’s supposed to be tiger pose, but nobody really cares. It’s pretty cool.

1:31- There’s some sort of firefly stock market panic, and hundreds of them furiously crash into each other in a gigantic glob that Katy Perry interprets as a tiger. But it isn’t. She’s losing her faculties from lack of food and sleep.

1:46 – Katy is now building a spear out of a stiletto heel. Not a rock or anything like that.

1:48 – Katy throws her stiletto spear at something. It’s a banana. SHE THREW A SPEAR. AT A BANANA.

1:51 – She gives the banana to the monkey. Because they aren’t evolutionarily disposed to get bananas on their own.

1:55 – Here’s a shot gratuitously stolen from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”

1:59 – Katy Perry is brushing an alligator’s teeth. Yup.

2:05 – Katy enters a cave with a torch, and this looks eerily similar to some early shots in “The Passion of the Christ,” but with Katy Perry’s ass. Upgrade!

2:08 – She hallucinates about a cave drawing of a tiger that morphs into a fireball and repels spears back at a group of people, presumably impaling them to death. Pleasant.

2:15 – The girls are finally let out as Katy ditches her stewardess uniform in lieu of leopard skin and leaves. It’a a shame we’ve had to wait this long.

2:21 – My god, is her skin radiant for a transient jungle hobo.

2:27 – All this flying through the air on vines has made me think Katy Perry could make a really good Wonder Woman. Mostly, I’d like to see her in the costume. I stopped listening to the song a full minute ago.

2:39 – Katy gives her mating call throughout the island. What does Russell Brand have that I don’t have? That’s bullshit.

2:51 – She’s now talking to a parrot in a meager attempt to retain sanity.

3:00 – Katy is trying to be a matador, luring a tiger somewhere with a red flower. Does that even work with tigers? I don’t know. Her legs look spectacular.

3:05 – Epic standoff.

3:12 – Katy vomits out the ghost of a tiger. Kinky.

3:14 – She now sits on a jungle throne, Crocodile Dundee’s hat beside her (indicating she fed his corpse to the tiger or has consumed it herself, risking contracting kuru, a prion disease that fells many cannibals). (Shut up, I know things.)

3:26 – Tiger has been dubbed “Kitty Purry.” This is all very cute.

3:38 – She’s taking selfies with a monkey now. Wait. OMG SHE’S HAD A CELL PHONE THIS ENTIRE TIME.

3:50 – She is painting the nail on an elephant’s trunk. PETA is going to be pissed.

4:02 – Katy wakes up, Bob Newhart style. It seems this was all a nightmare. What a twist.

4:08 – DOUBLE TWIST, BITCH. Katy died in the plane crash and is forced to live life isolated in this jungle purgatory, accompanied by animals who represent missed opportunities on Earth. She will never be found, nor will she see her loved ones again.

 

That’s deep, Katy. I kinda like it.

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