Gwyneth Paltrow calls this week’s missive from Goop the “back to work/school/life mag,” which includes “easy, healthy and super tasty one bowl lunches” plus “other bits” (like pretty office supplies you’ll want to put on a shelf and treat as art because that’s what disposable income is for).
Let’s start with those “easy” lunches. For most people, that usually means last night’s leftovers or maybe a Lean Cuisine, but for Gwynnie — who lives in a working five-star restaurant — “easy” means an Asian Chicken Salad Bowl with 20 ingredients. TWENTY. Eight for the salad, seven for the dressing, and five for the chicken. (Oh you thought chicken was just chicken? Rube.)
There’s also a Tuna Tomato Bowl described as the “perfect cross between a puttanesca and a nicoise,” words so relatively obscure that my spell-check tried to turn them into “putrescent” and “noise.”
(For what it’s worth, Merriam-Webster says “puttanesca” is an Italian word “short for alla puttanesca, literally, in the style of a prostitute,” and FoodGeeks defines “nicoise” as “cuisine originating from the south of France.” So Gwyneth Paltrow basically found a classy way to call her newsletter subscribers French whores.)
Next, a whole array of lovely “back to office supplies” is laid out before us. And they are lovely — beautiful and chic in their simplicity. But really, $39 scissors and $8 paper clips should be beautiful. (And if your paper clips get lonely, you can always get them some $8 string to play with.)
That’s assuming, of course, you can even find all this stuff, because the links in the Goop newsletter go only to the front pages of the various retailers’ websites — not the product pages themselves. Those you have to find on your own. (Maybe it’s one of those things where exerting the effort to locate the item proves you actually deserve to have it.)
As always, Gwyneth … we’re not worthy.