Dina Lohan, walking performance art and mother of Lindsay Lohan, was nabbed for driving drunk in Long Island last night after going 20 miles per hour above the posted speed limit. Her blood alcohol level was 0.20 percent — which actually sounds like she’d been restraining herself.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Dina Lohan arrest if she didn’t kick it up a notch, which she did by feigning an injury. After police called an ambulance and checked her out, they quickly discovered she was full of shit and, according to the police report, “she recanted her claim.”
After posing for the above mugshot — which says “Please just take me home, I just want to watch ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ and drink a juice box” — she was released to a friend and presumably went somewhere to sleep it off. She’s due in court later this month, when we predict she’ll scream “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leap from her chair, throwing an empty box of Franzia at the judge.
None of this should be shocking. While the human body is made up of roughly 75 percent water, Dina Lohan’s is made up of roughly 60 percent vodka strained through an old sock. Or maybe Dina Lohan is the old sock. An old sock that can drive.
This metaphor has fallen apart, but it sure is a great image.