Sharon Osbourne Boned Jay Leno. Sweet Dreams!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L902v7SidoU

Because “The Talk” is a show that nobody really watches, it began its new season yesterday by having co-hosts expose dirt on themselves and other celebrities in a segment called “Big Secret.” That’s when Sharon Osbourne claimed to have had a hot and torrid “fling” with Jay Leno when she was 25.

Sharon, now 60, said it all started when she made a prank phone call to Jay (we’ll go out on a limb and say drugs were involved), which lead to him coming to her home. She wasn’t dating Ozzy yet, and so she and Jay carried on for a few months before the future “Tonight Show” host/ex-host/host again met the “love of his life,” Mavis, whom he married shortly thereafter.

As if all this information wasn’t enough, Osbourne’s co-host Julie Chen — clearly a complete and total masochist — asked how Leno was in bed. Sharon said she couldn’t remember because it was “so long ago,” but she did say Jay was a good kisser. (Ozzy might be, too, but we’d imagine he probably just confuses her for Judy Dench a lot and screams at her for trespassing in his house.)

Anyway, this whole thing is a little bit like imagining Mary Poppins shacking up with your creepy uncle. It’s something you don’t want to think about, but it’ll keep you up at night nonetheless.

#sorrynotsorry

Here’s Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady’s ‘Simple’ and ‘Cozy’ $20 Million Mansion. With a Moat.

“I like simplicity and coziness,” supermodel Gisele Bundchen told Architectural Digest. “I want to live in a place that feels like a real home, where you can put your feet up on the couch and just relax.”

So of course she and her husband, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, spent $20 million building a quaint little 14,000 square-foot cottage with a six-car garage, walk-in closets with antique crystal chandeliers, an elevator, a weight room, a wine cellar, and a butler’s room.

Also? A moat (presumably to ward off any marauders Bundchen’s astute football-related commentary pisses off).

You know, simple and cozy.

The [mansion] is constructed of different types of limestone, all acid-washed for patina and texture, with a traditional mansard roof of Vermont gray slate with zinc gutters and flashing. A winding driveway leads over a pond to a motor court paved in reclaimed cobblestones and then to a stone bridge spanning a koi-stocked moat that’s picturesque but not pompous.

“Tom and Gisele aren’t worried about impressing people,” architect Richard Landry says. “They’re very sensitive to style and quality, but those considerations never trump comfort and ease.”

When it came to the interiors, designer John Behnke punched up the restrained, sophisticated atmosphere with eye-catching light fixtures that include a confection of dripping silver mesh in the entry, gilded sconces by Hervé Van der Straeten in the great room, and an antique crystal chandelier in Bündchen’s dressing room that the model and designer purchased together in Paris.

The color scheme throughout, playing off the building materials, is decidedly neutral, with occasional accents of green and blue. And the furnishings are unpretentious pieces made with fine natural materials such as Belgian linen, old leather, silk, and velvet.

“Gisele is an earth mother—she’s drawn to certain things because of the energy they give off,” Behnke says. “The motto of this project was ‘Simplify!’ She and Tom were constantly searching for the essence of things.”

Oh that Gisele. Just an earth mother with 14,000 square feet. And Belgian linen, old leather, silk, and velvet.

And a damned moat.

Duquesne University Doesn’t Want Geraldo Rivera’s Hot Bod Corrupting Its Students

Donatella Versace first thing in the morning
Donatella Versace first thing in the morning

When 70-year-old journalist Geraldo Rivera decided to, after a night of slamming tequila, post a half-naked selfie on Twitter back in July, the world was aghast. Or at least it was for about five minutes, before it resumed making cat jokes and everyone forgot about it.

But Duquesne University apparently hasn’t, because it’s now nixed Rivera’s appearance on an upcoming panel discussion about John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

Continue reading Duquesne University Doesn’t Want Geraldo Rivera’s Hot Bod Corrupting Its Students

Ed Sheeran Says Taylor Swift Would Never Be As Vindictive As We Already Know She Is

It's cool. I mean, I made you and all, but you don't owe me a thing. Really. [via Instagram]
It’s cool. I mean, I made you and all, but you don’t owe me a thing. Really.

Ed Sheeran, who pretty much owes his career to Taylor Swift, says Taylor Swift would never ever besmirch an ex and Taylor Swift is a super-supportive friend and Taylor Swift only uses words personally approved by bunnies in Disney cartoons. Says Ed Sheeran. A totally unbiased source.

As you’ll probably recall, Taylor was caught on camera at the VMAs talking to bestie Selena Gomez while One Direction (the British boy band that gives Taylor’s ex-boyfriend Harry Styles something to do between cougars) was on stage. And that moment spawned the GIF seen ’round the world:

stfu-taylor

Everyone assumed the remark was aimed at Harry because even though they only dated for about three minutes, that’s like seven years in Taylor Swift years so she took the split pretty hard.

In fact, when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble” — a song she’s previously acknowledged she wrote about Harry — she pointedly thanked “the person who inspired this song because he knows exactly who he is.” (Subtle lady is subtle.)

But Ed Sheeran now wants us to believe that infamous GIF doesn’t depict Taylor sniping at Harry at all, but rather reassuring Selena about her chances of winning Best Pop Video at the awards.

“Selena said, ‘I think Miley’s gonna win [over me].’ And Taylor was like, ‘Shut the fuck up!’ That’s all that was!” Sheeran claimed at a press conference a week after the fact.

A week during which Selena herself refused to answer when she was asked what Taylor said, instead going on a diatribe about how chicks should be more supportive of each other — which would’ve been a great time to tell the story Ed told.

Except unlike him, she didn’t have, you know, a week and a team of PR people to come up with it.

The Girl Attached to the Ass Robin Thicke Felt Up Tells Her Story

Robin and Lana, sittin' in an utterly unoriginal tree
Robin and Lana, sittin’ in an utterly unoriginal tree

If you’ve been lying awake nights wondering why the very-married Robin Thicke recently performed a public proctology exam on someone who wasn’t his wife, that girl has now spoken out and solved the mystery. Even if some of her story is clearly bullshit.

Lana Scolaro is described as a “socialite” and has the vacuous, underfed Olsen-twin look required for the title. Her Instagram photos are exactly as trite as you’d expect: Lana with tiny dogs in expensive handbags, Lana partying with other cookie-cutter blondes, and Lana hanging out on tropical beaches.

So as soon as her ass went viral, she promptly did an interview with Celebuzz (home of the Kardashian blogs), because that’s a law for girls like her or something.

She starts out by saying she and Robin met the week before through mutual friends, and then adds:

“I was actually going over to the DJ booth and he followed me. His security guard took the photo and said, ‘you guys make a cute couple.’”

“I knew his hand was on my butt. I posted it on Instagram and didn’t notice the reflection. But someone noticed it and commented … I didn’t think it would cause this much drama. I didn’t know it would be all over everything like this.”

In other words, a famous married guy treated her ass like a stress ball, but no big. Also, Robin’s bodyguard is apparently a 14-year-old girl.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

‘Twerk’ Is in the Dictionary. Are You Happy Now?

Beetletwerk, Beetletwerk, Beetletwerk!
It’s SHOWTIME!

It’s definitely the year of the twerk. Three days after Miley Cyrus paraded around like a bear going into epileptic shock, Oxford Dictionaries announced that “twerking” is officially a word.

Listed as a verb (informal, of course), Oxford defines the supposedly sultry move as:

[to] dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance: just wait till they catch their daughters twerking to this song 

And as we know, there is nothing sexier than a low, squatting stance. (Notice how Oxford made no mention of how it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do while singing a song about date rape.)

The AP talked to Katherine Connor Martin of Oxford about the etymology of the word, and she said they believe “the most likely theory is that it is an alteration of work, because that word has a history of being used in similar ways, with dancers being encouraged to ‘work it.’ The ‘t’ could be a result of blending with another word such as twist or twitch.” They also think the word originated in the ’90s (even though the dance itself has been around far longer).

This is a move that makes sense. While seemingly everyone with a camera, mic or keyboard was weighing in on Miley’s performance, we couldn’t help but notice that Noam Chomsky was conspicuously silent. Now we can finally get some real insight.

Also, you now have a link you can give old people so you no longer have to explain exactly what twerking is, because that’s just icky. Win/win, really.

Maybe next they can add blumkin.