Rihanna Broke Her Inner Party Girl

This just makes us want to nod off.
Doesn’t this just make you want to nod off?

You might think a chick who’s posted hundreds of risque selfies for millions of people to gawk at and routinely blazes blunts the size of wiffle bats wouldn’t describe herself as “square.” But Rihanna has apparently partied so much and so hard that she’s looped all the way back around to boring.

She and her completely mundane penis purse dropped by Alan Carr‘s British TV show “Chatty Man” on Friday, where she regaled him with metaphorical tales of early nights and Hallmark Channel movie marathons.

“Recently I’ve become a square. I hate partying,” she said. “I don’t know if it’s my heels — I don’t like standing in my heels for hours. I don’t know if it’s that, but I’ve been so bored of it … [Maybe] it’s because it’s the same music every night … Maybe we need some more DJs.”

Oh, and if you see tumbleweeds, they probably came from her dry, dusty lady parts. She hasn’t had sex in “ages.”

“I am such a bootleg rock star. I do nothing, literally,” she sighed. “I’m embarrassed to say that actually. That’s so disgusting. That’s fucking pathetic.”

Then Alan made fun of Rihanna’s mullet and all was right with the world again.

Uncle Joey Gets Movie Blowies on the Regular

Some girls just have popcorn.
Some girls just have popcorn.

It’s been almost 20 years since Alanis Morissette‘s “You Oughta Know” became the musical version of an upturned middle finger aimed at everyone’s ex-boyfriends. Alanis was clearly nuclear-pissed at someone when she wrote it, and over the years, it kind of become the Gen-X version of “You’re So Vain” as everyone wondered who the subject matter was.

Oddly enough, a top contender was Dave Coulier, best known for playing the nearly asexual Uncle Joey on “Full House.” Alanis has never commented on it one way or the other, but he is an ex of hers (yes, this is the same woman who was once engaged to Ryan Reynolds and is now married to a white rapper who calls himself MC Souleye, thus making her romantic history some sort of “Da Vinci Code” shit that no one will understand ever).

For his part, Coulier’s previously claimed credit for being the douche who broke her heart and inspired the song, and now we know what tipped him off: the lyric “I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.”

“We had already broken up,” he told HuffPo Live yesterday. “She called and I said, ‘Hey, you know, I’m right in the middle of dinner. Can I just call you right back?’ When I heard the line, it was like, ‘Uh-oh.'”

THAT’S what let you know the song was about you, Dave? It wasn’t the part that goes “Is she perverted like me / Would she go down on you in a theater”? You get movie beej that often?

Dude. Represent.

uncle-joey-blowie

Chris Brown Wants You to Hate Jay-Z, Too

Twitter
Twitter

Professional victim Chris Brown recently told Jet (via CNN) it’s totes unfair to judge him for beating the pretty off Rihanna‘s face if you don’t also hold Jay-Z accountable for his own criminal history:

“This is something I’ve been dealing with for the past maybe five years. Anybody with a voice – Tupac, Michael Jackson, the Notorious B.I.G. – gets formatted…except maybe for Jay Z, who is accepted by White America because he shakes hands and kisses babies. No disrespect, because I’m a fan, but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody and sold drugs. He gets a pass.”

Dude. You don’t get to call a hip-hop legend a sellout and excuse it away by adding “no disrespect, because I’m a fan.” That’s like the shit Southern women pull when they say “bless her heart,” as though that neutralizes the insult. She’s a diseased whore. Bless her heart.

Maybe people have forgotten about Jay’s 1999 transgression because he didn’t spend the years afterward throwing chairs through windows or going on self-righteous Twitter rants or otherwise proving what a douchebag and ragemonster he is. You know. Maybe.

Or maybe we’re all just racist dicks.

“I identify with Trayvon [Martin] 100 percent as far as living in 2013 and still dealing with blatant racism. This generation is so used to racism that it’s normal; we don’t care. We aren’t on drugs or catching AIDS, but they still look at us as ni**as.”

I like to imagine Chris actually said “ninjas” there. But if not, no big — because when we weren’t looking, he went all Patti LaBelle on us and got himself a new attitude.

“I got to the point where it’s only so much you can take from the master, you feel me? I’ve taken my fair share of lashings. I’ve dealt with the media. Instead of being an artist, I’ve been called a woman beater; I’ve been insulted in public and judged. And being able to not want to kill yourself at the end of the day is what made me say, ‘Fuck it.’”

Cool story, bro.
 

Myla Sinanaj Wants to Wear Kim Kardashian’s Skin as a Suit

Twitter
Twitter

Myla Sinanaj is the ex-girlfriend of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband Kris Humphries. Myla already bore a passing resemblance to Kim, but now she wants plastic surgery to look even more like her. She also made a really boring porno just for shits and giggles (and exposure that never came).

So Michael Musto sat down with her for Gawker and, in between contemplating slipping ricin into his own drink, delved into her psyche.

What do you hope to accomplish with all this?
I’m trying a little bit of everything—music, film, TV. Why not try everything until you hit one? I want to host a TV show. I liked the old shows that used to be on MTV, like TRL—or Inside Edition or E! News.

So, essentially, she’s just scattershotting the media until someone thinks she’s good at something. So far this has included a horrifying music video for a song called “I’m No Angel,” with lyrics like “Can you handle that I’m curvy?” and “Have no reality show, but I am able.” Television executives take note.

Since you do virtually all things Kim-related, will you also marry Kanye West and have a biracial baby?
I doubt it. He has too many anger issues for me. He recorded his album out of my hotel. I met him when he was coming to meet Kim in the hotel. He brushes everybody off and thinks he’s better than everybody. He was not, “Hi, how are you? How can I help you?” He was standoffish.

At this point Musto is openly mocking her and she either A) doesn’t realize it, or B) is playing some sort of character. You decide.

Regardless, she says she probably won’t have a baby with Kanye West because he’s rude (no shit, lady) and completely ignores the fact that he would have to agree to have sex with her first. To Myla Sinanaj, there’s no question.

At least he didn’t hit on you. You’ve said that Khloe Kardashian’s husband, Lamar Odom, did so twice. Why did you come forward with that?
It was an accident. I was asked, “What do you think of the cheating thing?” I said, “I’m not surprised because he hit on me.” Obviously I didn’t think anything of it because I never called him back. He’s not my type. Not physically. When you know, you know.

She came forward with that so people like Michael Musto would ask her about it. Hook, line and sinker. Musto then reminds her that Lamar is married and Myla classily responds, “Yeah, that too. If I did anything, it’d just be a one-night stand. It would be a waste of time.”

It’s always good to keep a one night affair on the table. Just in case.

What’s your sex appeal?
My personality. I’m really fun. When you’re fun, it makes you more attractive. I’m laid back. I’m super chill.

Here Myla morphs into every single profile we’ve ever read on OkCupid — announcing to the world that she’s fun, laid back AND chill. Who wouldn’t want to hang with a person like that? Notice she didn’t say she was pretty or good at anything. Literally, her number one talent is chilling ability. (Fellas?)

Musto then begins to talk about Kim, asking why she’s with Kanye. Myla says it’s for media attention (shocking) and claims any eventual marriage won’t last (go figure). After a brief discussion of Kim’s alleged plastic surgery and some banter about sucking fat off of body parts and injecting it into others, they get to Myla’s porn debut:

Were you at all embarrassed to do a sex tape?
It took me two months to finally say “OK” and do it. I realized that for the people who did sex tapes—Pamela, Paris, Kim—it worked out in their favor. For the record, whenever you hear about a sex tape being leaked, a major company can’t leak anything without your signed consent. It’s a setup.

It’s worth noting that Pamela Anderson’s tape was literally stolen from her home and hosted on the internet without her permission. The same thing happened to Hilton, who was awarded $400,000 in damages that she didn’t need because of it. Anyway.

Just as I suspected. But were you surprised that you could do all that for a camera?
I definitely was. I hadn’t even hooked up with somebody months prior to that. I was drinking wine that day, but it ended up OK. I’ve watched it many times. I’m used to it by now. It’s not that big of a deal. People make such a big deal out of it, as if they don’t have sex every night.

Well, we definitely don’t have calculated sex on camera to broker a deal with smut peddlers. But we get what you mean, Myla. NBD.

Liam Hemsworth Seems to Be Dealing With the Miley Breakup Pretty Well

http://youtu.be/FOtP7kL6J4Y

A day or two before his split from Miley Cyrus was announced, Liam Hemsworth talked to pretty Mexican actress Eiza Gonzalez at a party. The way the tabloids wrote about this, you’d have thought Liam and Eiza copulated right there on the bar, got pregnant with triplets, gave birth to the babies, named them all after Taco Bell menu items and got them their own reality show. All before last call.

But while the tabs do exaggerate and fabricate shit on the regular, every now and then they get one right. Witness the photo of the two kissing that E! Online published this morning.

It was taken yesterday when Liam supposedly stopped by Eiza’s Los Angeles apartment to “give her a piece of luggage.” (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)

Liam was only there for about five minutes but they both looked very happy together, chatting closely before the kissing started. Eiza then smiled and waved goodbye as Liam drove off. So, these two are getting along…

If you don’t know anything about Eiza, here’s the 411 (she’s also active on Instagram). She’s a well-known face in her native Mexico, and her life also has a lot of beyond-coincidental parallels to Miley’s — celebrity parent, fame at 16, starring on a kids’ network as a girl with a secret alter-ego, etc. So the fact that she’s now hooking up with Miley’s ex isn’t creepy or weird or stalkerish at all.

Way to make a clean break, Liam.

Zac Efron Was Recently a Raging Cokehead

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

Did you know Zac Efron went to rehab earlier this year? Yeah, pretty much no one did until E! reported it this afternoon, with a source saying he’s now “healthy, happy and not drinking.”

Except according to TMZ, it wasn’t booze Zac had issues with — it was blow and Ecstasy. And the issues were harsh.

We’re told the problem spiraled out of control during the filming of Seth Rogen’s movie “Neighbors,” which was shot during a narrow time frame beginning in April.

Sources tell us Zac — who also starred in the movie — was a no-show on a number of days. As one source connected with the film tells us, “It was common knowledge he was struggling with cocaine.”

Three other sources confirm … Zac’s problem was rooted in cocaine, but say he also dabbled in Molly — a pure form of Ecstasy, and a popular drug in clubs and raves.

We’re told … early this year, Zac and some friends went on a coke rager in a room at the SkyLofts at the MGM Grand in Vegas … and caused around $50k in damage. No word on who took care of the bill.

The hell? A few hours ago we weren’t even aware Zac Efron had a substance abuse problem, and now we find out it was so bad that he used to go on all-out coke-fueled benders and trash hotel rooms like a ’70s era rock star? And no one who knew talked about it until now?

Damn. Nicely done, Efron camp. I don’t know who you paid off and how much, but even keeping the story quiet this long was money well-spent.

Carrie Underwood’s Maria Von Trapp Will Haunt Your Dreams

NBC
NBC

When NBC decided to do a live remake of “The Sound of Music” later this year, Carrie Underwood was a logical choice for Maria Von Trapp. What wasn’t logical, however, was releasing a promo shot that makes Carrie look like she’s wearing some type of Victorian era death mask.

There are no hills behind her. Only sky, as if she’s levitating above the Austrian countryside, terrorizing small children with her favorite things. And her eyes look like they’ve rolled inside their sockets. If this poster could speak, it would say, “There is no Carrie. WE ARE LEGION.”

Hey, remember that scene in the original movie where Julie Andrews was dressed as a German barmaid? Then she smiled, blinding the Nazis with brilliant beams of light that shot from her porcelain teeth like her mouth was the Ark of the Covenant? No?

Maybe a tagline change is in order: “Edelweiss cannot protect you.”

Robin Williams Is Rich-Person Broke

Behold the face of celebrity poverty
Behold the face of celebrity poverty

Google Robin Williams right now and most of the recent headlines will include some version of the word “broke.” And things are bad, you guys. He’s so destitute that he’s being forced to sell a $35 million vacation house. Oh, and to work.

“The idea of having a steady job is appealing,” he told Parade Magazine about starring in “The Crazy Ones,” a new CBS sitcom. “There are bills to pay. My life has downsized, in a good way. I’m selling the ranch up in Napa. I just can’t afford it anymore.”

Note this is not his primary residence — just an extra. He still has a palatial home in a prime neighborhood of San Francisco. (If you want to gawk at how the Other Half lives, the listing for the Napa crib is here.)

“Divorce is expensive,” he added. “I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.”

(Background: His first wife cleaned him out in the late ’80s after he went full-on rich dude cliche and knocked up the couple’s nanny. He later married her, but they split in 2008. And because he still had some money and at least one testicle left, he got hitched for the third time in 2011.)

In fairness, Robin isn’t the one crying poverty here — everyone else is. And if life is very, very good to you, someday you too might be just as bereft.

You Know That Video Where Miley’s Naked? She’s Surprised You Even Noticed That.

Miley Cyrus can’t be tamed and can’t stop and really can’t dance. But the one thing she excels at lately is making people talk about her, and it’s translating into massive sales of her autotuned warbling set to music songs. So clearly, whatever she’s doing is working, even if a lot of people find it utterly cringeworthy.

Still, she’s shocked — shocked! — everyone is making such a fuss about her being naked in the video for her new song “Wrecking Ball.” Which, coincidentally, is the same video that quickly became Vevo’s most-viewed ever. Because Miley Cyrus is naked in it.

“I think the video is much more,” she told Elvis Duran on New York’s Z100. “If people get past the point I make, and you actually look at me, you can tell I look more broken than even the song sounds.”

And yeah, the clip opens with a single theatrical tear rolling down Miley’s cheek, and the song itself is clearly about heartbreak. That’s what you’re supposed to notice, because according to her, paying attention to the blatant nudity just makes you an unimaginative simpleton.

“If people can take their minds off the obvious and go into their imagination and see what the video really means, it is so vulnerable … If you look at my eyes, I look more sad than actually my voice sounds on the record.”

“It was a lot harder to do the video than it was to record the song. It was much more of an emotional experience.”

There you have it. “Wrecking Ball” is about feelings. Miley only fellated a sledge hammer and took off her clothes in the video to show you her feelings so you’d feel them too. Can you see the feelings? Look at them. Look! NO, NOT AT HER TITS. AT HER FEELINGS. DAMN.

It’s like 50 million of you — and counting! — are nothing but pervs. Besides, everyone knows you can’t just stand there and sing with your clothes on and expect people to feel your feelings.

(Right, Adele?)

Sydney Leathers Is Chilling at Anthony Weiner’s Election Night Party

Pretty much the only person who thinks Anthony Weiner will survive tonight’s Democratic primary for NYC mayor is Anthony Weiner. And when he finally does fade into blissful obscurity, sexting partner Sydney Leathers will fade right along with him.

Knowing her star is tied to his, Sydney wasn’t going to waste her last day of relevance sitting in the house watching her porno (only freaks like Farrah Abraham do that shit).

So this morning, she threw on her best sandwich board and took to the streets:

https://twitter.com/jasondhorowitz/status/377470430388301825/

 
Then, eight hours later, she shimmied into a red mini, wore her shiny new rack (thanks, Vivid!) as a necklace, and showed up at Anthony Weiner’s election night party. Seriously.

When everyone’s Scooby ears went all bajiggity, she calmly explained it was “her duty” to be there, and that she has “a lot of things” she wants to say to Anthony.

In fact, as she told the New York Daily News in an Instagram video now making the rounds, being at the soiree was “the logical thing to do.” Even though Anthony’s wife, Huma Abedin, is also expected to attend along with the couple’s young son. (But it’s okay. The media circus happening right now probably won’t freak him out at all.)

Remember back in July when Sydney apologized to Huma? When she said “I just feel very, very sorry for my part and the pain that she obviously feels”? Good times.

You know, Sydney could be right about her fame outlasting Anthony’s. Because now we know she has the one thing required for the survival of all good famewhores: elephantine metal balls.