Sylvester Stallone Was Kind of a Dick at NY Comic Con

Warner Bros.
Warner Bros.

Doing comic conventions is probably not very fun for a celebrity. They travel long miles, get jet lagged, and then sit behind a table for hours on end while people with elf ears ask them to repeat lines over and over again. To weed down those lines a little and make the appearance more worthwhile, they usually charge a nominal fee for an autograph or picture. Unless you’re Sylvester Stallone. Then you charge a shit ton.

Stallone showed up to the New York Comic Con, where Gawker reports he had the (shriveled) balls to charge $395 for an autograph and $445 for a photo.

To put things into perspective, Sigourney Weaver was commanding $185 for an autograph and $200 for a photo. Pretty steep, but she’s Ellen Goddamn Ripley. And the only people I would have cared about, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, were $95 and $70 respectively. (Gillian charged only $10 more for a photo than an autograph. Why are you so perfect, Scully?)

The sad thing is that every report I’ve read in the past says that Sly has always been genial with fans in other situations. TMZ scored some of the shots of people who did pay, and – aside from being more orange than John Boehner –  he seems pretty friendly there, too. Maybe because he was getting $4,005 for those nine photos.

Stop beating up people’s wallets, Sly.

 

Non Sequitur Minute: Here’s a Woman Going Nuts on an Airplane

WARNING: Turn your volume down. Thank us later.

And now for something completely different: a woman going batshit crazy on an airplane.

This footage was taken on an American Airlines flight to Tampa, where a woman (whose mother recently died) completely lost her shit and began chanting “GOD, YOU’RE MY SAVIOR” over and over again while everyone on board watched in horror.

As the videographer explains, the woman began by walking down the aisles and asking everyone to pray for her allegedly deceased mother before returning to her seat, screeching like a banshee and acting like Julianne Moore in all those TV spots for the “Carrie” remake.

Flight attendants also supposedly asked random passengers to be prepared to detain her, because paying an extra $25 to check a bag and being stuck on a steel death tube mid-air with this woman wasn’t enough.

So their choice was watching the in-flight Adam Sandler movie and having a mental break or listening to this woman in the middle of hers? Thanks, American Airlines.

This has been the Non Sequitur Minute. We now return to our regularly scheduled Justin Bieber jokes.

The Texting Man Is Keeping Madonna Down

Twitter
Twitter

Steve McQueen‘s “12 Years a Slave” – a sprawling epic about the brutality of slavery – is on a fast track to sweep the Oscars this year. So when it premiered in New York, home of the reigning queen of pop Madonna, she had to see what the fuss was about. Except she texted through the whole thing.

A source tells Page Six that “a blonde in black lace gloves wouldn’t stop texting” and that she was seated in the same row as Jason Ritter and Michael K. Williams. Then some evil, repressive theater Nazi confronted the mystery blonde about the phone usage and she retorted:

“It’s for business . . . enslaver!”

Of course, when she ducked out during the standing ovation, it was revealed that Madge was wearing black lace gloves.

Comparing not being able to conduct the business of ordering Venezuelan pool boys via text in a movie theater to slavery is like missing the bus, having to walk somewhere and calling it your Trail of Tears.

Trust us, Madonna. We wanted very badly to send some “business texts” during “Swept Away.” Like, “scheduling appointments with Jack Kevorkian” business. But we didn’t. Because that’s what decent human beings do.

As George Costanza might say: “We are living in a society!”

ggEL6i8

Some Idiot Is Probably Going to Buy Amanda Bynes’ $10,000 Grill

#TwerkTeeth
#DentalTwerk

A few months ago, when Amanda Bynes was unleashed in New York city tossing bongs and terrorizing yoga classes, she commissioned celebrity jewelry guru Ben Baller to create her some grills to keep up with the kids’ hot fashion trends. He posted the molds for said grills on Instagram.

Above is the finished product, and since Manders is slightly detained trying to evade Nurse Ratched, he might be auctioning them off for charity.

Ben writes:

Ever wondered what Amanda Bynes grills came out to look like? Here you go… Natural pink diamonds set on 14k rose gold (before one of you smart ass asks why it isn’t 18k gold, it’s because 18k is way too soft to be in the mouth piece). Tried for months to deliver this to her but doubt it will happen. Should I auction these off to charity? Thoughts?

Most mental health facilities probably frown upon delivering things to patients that can chomp down on the necks of orderlies with deadly, sparkly precision.

But, hey, how great would it be to pass these down to your grandchildren and tell them you spent $10,000 for something modeled after Sydney White’s mouth?

It can be a cherished family heirloom. Like Paul Reubens‘ snuggie ($15,000) or Mickey Rourke‘s sterling silver dental floss (priceless).

Robin Thicke’s Dad Thinks He’s Totally the Next Brad Pitt

robin-thicke

Back in the ’80s, Alan Thicke played headshrinker Dr. Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains.” The show ended in 1992, after which he faded away from public view the way God intends all sitcom stars to do. (Look what happened when we let Ashton Kutcher violate God’s law.)

These days Alan is primarily known as “Robin Thicke‘s dad,” but since he sired a son who’s more famous than he ever was, reporters are again sticking mics in his face and asking him to say words. So we get quotes like this (via Us Weekly):

About Robin’s success:
“I’m thrilled for him. I’ve always dabbled in music. If I could have grown up to be Robin Thicke, I would have. But I’m glad somebody in the family did.”

Oh, absolutely. You know who else is glad? Marvin Gaye‘s family. “Blurred Lines” was like a litigious little love note.

About Robin and wife Paula Patton:
“I told him, ‘You’re a power couple now. If you only adopt a few Ethiopian kids, you’d be the next Brangelina.'”

Which is totally true as long as Brad Pitt starts feeling up randos in bars and Angelina Jolie‘s self-esteem plummets to the point where she puts up with that shit. Other than that? TWINSIES.

Nice parenting, Alan. No wonder Kirk Cameron is such a freak.

If You’re Over 40, Stop Having Sex. You’re Grossing Out Miley Cyrus.

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?
Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like her?

We thought by ignoring her “SNL” crap and her “Today” show performance this morning that we might be able to go ONE WHOLE DAY without mentioning something Miley Cyrus did. Then she had to go and actually SPEAK to Matt Lauer, causing more stupid shit we can’t ignore to fall out of her cakehole.

Matt: Is this a phase? Is the sexual side of you that we’re seeing a lot of something that’s going to be here for a while and then you’ll be on to something else?

Miley: Well I heard that when you turn 40, things start to go a little less sexual. So probably around 40, around that time, I heard that’s when people don’t have sex anymore, so I guess maybe around then.

Matt: Do you know how old I am?

Miley: I’m going to guess 40.

Matt: I love you again. I’m 55.

Miley: 55? Oh well, then you’re really definitely not sexual.

I don’t know which part of this is more infuriating — that she thinks antics like flashing her vag to Terry Richardson make her an authority on sexuality, or that she plans on shoving her pancake ass in our faces for another 20 years.

What I do know is Helen Mirren is 68 years old, and that woman is heat on feet. I know Angela Basset is 55 and sexy in a way few women will ever be. I know Madonna‘s 55-year-old “definitely not sexual” parts somehow manage to keep her 25-year-old boyfriend happy.

And I also know it’s obvious Miley Cyrus doesn’t yet understand “sexy” is an attitude, not a look — and that right now, she doesn’t have either one.
 

Neil deGrasse Tyson Ruined ‘Gravity’ For Everyone

neil_degrasse_tyson_badass_616

This weekend, a lot of people saw “Gravity,” the thriller wherein Sandra Bullock and George Clooney play super attractive people stranded in space. It pulled in $55.6 million at the box office, got very positive reviews and the 3D glasses made our eyes really tired.

But then there was Neil deGrasse Tyson – everyone’s favorite physicist – who logged on to Twitter and completely shat over the film’s consistency with actual science, ruining our collective illusion. Continue reading Neil deGrasse Tyson Ruined ‘Gravity’ For Everyone

Billy Ray Cyrus Performs with Fred Durst, Out-awfuls Miley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8tZYcLwWuM#t=194

As if Billy Ray Cyrus hasn’t caused the world enough damage by unleashing his demon offspring and her nipples into it, he appeared on “The Arsenio Hall Show” last night and did a duet of his song “Lately” with Fred Durst – just to really twist the knife in.

This is another layer of tragic for those who are just now discovering Durst is still alive and didn’t overdose on nookie beside a Motel 6 ice machine.

To top it all off, Billy Ray had the gall to tweet before the performance that Durst was a “special surprise”:

That’s like blindfolding one of those people on “Maury” who are deathly afraid of mayonnaise and then taking them to the Hellman’s factory.

WHAT DID ANY OF US EVER DO TO YOU, BILLY?

It’s Times Like This We’re Really Glad Justin Bieber’s Not American

Aside from squeezing out some sponges, things have been relatively quiet on the Justin Bieber front lately. But that’s only because his world tour was on break. Once it cranked up again, the Biebs went back to being the glaring exception to that whole “Canadians are awesome” rule.

While in China on Monday, he had his bodyguards hoist him on their shoulders and carry him — like the pretty pretty princess he is — to the top of the Great Wall. (Maybe he was afraid he’d break a heel.)

Twitter
Twitter

Later that day, he made his bodyguards really earn their keep by forcing them to run alongside him as he skateboarded through the streets of Beijing. Continue reading It’s Times Like This We’re Really Glad Justin Bieber’s Not American