Miley Cyrus has been busy lately. While her tongue escaped her mouth and ravaged downtown Los Angeles like a misfit kaiju monster, Miles went to Germany to mingle with the little people (literally). Now, as the world rallies to get rid of her, she has released a new video for “Wrecking Ball.”
Join us as we travel into another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. And venereal diseases. This will be a journey into the wondrous land whose bounderies are that of the imagination. At the sign post up ahead, your next stop: the Miley Zone.
The Jonas Brothers (who I didn’t even know were still a thing) recently went on E!’s “Fashion Police,” and Joe Jonas told Joan Rivers what has long been suspected: Yes, he’s to blame for at least some of Taylor Swift‘s insipid music — because he once broke her heart.
When Joan mentioned Joe is the brother who dated and then ghosted on Taylor in 2008, he replied, “I think it’s me and a few others, but yeah.”
“You did it over the phone, and you got three songs written about you,” Joan went on, causing Kevin Jonas to pipe up with, “We still haven’t seen the royalty checks.” (We, kemosabe? Did you help write the break-up text?)
Oh, by the way, yes — word has it Joe did the deed via text. They’d been together for more than a year and he didn’t even have the stones to talk to her in person. Dick move, dude.
Blerg. It’s hard to know who’s worse here: Joe Jonas for dumping someone via text, or Taylor Swift for … well, for being Taylor Swift.
One of the loudest complaints after Miley Cyrus‘ VMA debacle was that she’d essentially used black women as props during the performance. But don’t worry, African-American ladies of the world — it isn’t just you. Miley uses little people as set dressing, too!
During an appearance on the German TV show “Schlagg Den Raab,” Cyrus did a mellow version of “We Can’t Stop” (which, I’m sorry, is still an awful song that Rihanna has to be happy she didn’t get stuck with) and her entire band was comprised of little people. There was even a tiny little blonde twerker in shiny silver leggings with junk in the trunk that Miley gleefully slapped.
In fairness, the band was pretty good and that dancer could move far better than Miley herself. But … seriously? We’ve had teddy bears, black chicks, big booty hos, and now little people. What’s next on the list of novelties? Death row inmates? Orphans in wheelchairs? Lindsay Lohan?
Katy Perry‘s “Roar” has overtaken Robin Thicke‘s “Blurred Lines” on the charts (good riddance), and that’s something worth celebrating. But the video for “Roar” also has some truly disturbing messages. It’s earth-shattering, and it will change your perceptions of life and death. (No, really.)
For the faint of heart, we’ve compiled an expedient guide to events as they occur. Join us, won’t you?
:02 – Apparently we are watching a “Motion theory adventure.” What the shit is that?
:08 – Cigarette burn in the film. We all get refunds!
:09 – Goddamnit. Nevermind.
:12 – Katy Perry emerges from a plane crash unscathed. (In case of emergency, use your boobs as a floatation device.)
:17 – A poor man’s Crocodile Dundee snaps a selfie in the middle of the plane wreckage, as the screams of the injured and dying fill his ears.
When Lady Gaga first burst into the public consciousness several years ago, I kind of blew her off as a feather-weight studio creation. Then a friend pointed me to an old video of her just playing a piano and singing. It was, in a word, astonishing.
Since then I get kind of pissed when I see Gaga rolling around on stage in puddles of fake blood or wearing live ocelots on her head or whatever her latest thing is, because that’s the kind of shit that makes it damned near impossible to convince non-believers that this woman is a bona fide talent.
From now on, though, I won’t bother trying to make the case. I’ll just let this glorious video of Gaga at this weekend’s iTunes Festival in London do it for me. Even if it does make me want to throw things at her.
It’s been a big year for Farrah Abraham, previously of MTV’s “Teen Mom 2.” First she released her hardcore porn debut, “Back Door Teen Mom,” then she proceeded to go cross country and make appearances in strip clubs with her tits pushed up and charge money for photographs with her. But now that Farrah’s done anal on camera, she wants to go to the next step: daytime soap operas.
So Farrah recorded a “Days of Our Lives” audition tape that’s one of the best things you’ll ever see — almost as if she wanted Christmas to come early. In it she memorizes nothing and instead opts to pause every 15 seconds and read lines off her phone. Just like Meryl Streep.
She’s reading the role of “Destiny” who — surprise, surprise — happens to be a hooker. And she apparently filmed it in her bathroom (alternately known as the douche chamber). But there’s more! Because standing alone with a cell phone wasn’t very compelling, she also recorded another version with a male companion who actually manages to be worse than she is.
It is exquisite.
Alas, the people at “Days” didn’t feel sold, and so she did not get the part. But hopefully she’s not dejected because we would very much like to see Farrah audition for “Boardwalk Empire” or “The Walking Dead.” (She already acts fairly zombie-like, anyway. Also, ZOMBIE SEX.)
Thomas Gibson, star of “Criminal Minds” (previously seen as Greg in “Dharma and Greg” whenever I accidentally forgot to shut off the TV and it just came on – I SWEAR), is probably wishing he was more like his uptight television personas after a video he shot for an anonymous internet stranger was leaked. Apparently playing an FBI agent doesn’t mean you have the investigative skills of one.
In the video — shot during Christmastime last year — the married Gibson sits in a Utah hot tub alone and laments the fact that no one wants to soak with him and awkwardly talks about how beautiful it is there. Alone. You half-expect to hear the Charlie Brown sad music queue up in the background.
Gibson allegedly met the video’s recipient on Twitter, where she initiated correspondence using an account with a fake profile picture. That blossomed into a two-year online relationship with the star.
She now claims she exchanged multiple dirty videos and images with him — except hers were stolen from porn sites. Although her identity hasn’t been revealed, she says she’s 27 and from North Dakota. (Leaving a chance she’s Wilford Brimley, or maybe Jenna Elfman trying to ensnare him into Dianetics.)
After Gibson found out his sexting partner’s photos were fake (which took a whole fucking minute of research on Google Images), he allegedly had his legal representation demand she leave him alone to make himself look like even less of a buffoon. So now, like any entrepreneurial American, she’s going public!
Before he killed his Twitter page earlier tonight, his account bio read, “CBS wants me to keep a Twitter account. Last time didn’t go so well. Let’s see what happens over the next 2 years.” And when a follower asked for his side of the TMZ story, he insisted the video was “spliced.”
Lady Gaga has been squirreled away in a secret, subterranean bunker in the Adirondacks, pouring cereal all over herself and binge eating working hard on her new album, ARTPOP. (A concept album about a very pretentious soda. I’m looking at you, Fresca.) Now a demo for the album’s first single has conveniently “leaked,” just as people were no longer giving two shits about Lady Gaga.
The song, “Burqa,” is a completely incoherent mess, with Gaga grumbling through the verses in that feigned accent she did on Born This Way’s “Americano” — but this time it’s almost as if she’s doing a Jim Varney impression or gargling sandpaper.
The lyrics detail the story of a woman who murders someone in the desert, sleeps with multiple men who have big penises, doesn’t get caught (possibly because of that burqa disquise) and then proceeds to lure more men with her irresistible, pseudo-Middle Eastern charm.
Here’s a sample:
I’m not a wandering slave
I am a woman of choice
My veil is protection for the gorgeousness of my face
You want to fancy me cause there’s always one man to love
But in the bedroom,
The size of them’s more than enough
Do you wanna see me naked, lover?
Do you wanna peak underneath the cover?
Do you wanna see the girl who lives behind the aura, behind the aura?
Bob Dylan is definitely jelly.
Is the song supposed to promote tolerance of other cultures and show they’re good people? Because having someone in a burqa commit murder and stuff the body in a car trunk doesn’t exactly get the job done. Plus, it isn’t cutting edge. (We’ve all seen “24,” Gaga.)
No telling whether this will return Gaga’s profile to its old prominence, but let’s hope so. Because otherwise we’re stuck with Flock of Seagulls Miley Cyrus.