We Watched Justin Bieber’s ‘All That Matters’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

 Justin Bieber‘s new single (probably about Selena Gomez) “All that Matters” has leaked, featuring him singing and acting like a complete idiot atop the Great Wall of China while a group of grown men mill around in the background lusting after him doing official posse stuff.

We scoped it out for you.

Continue reading We Watched Justin Bieber’s ‘All That Matters’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

We Watched Rihanna’s ‘Pour It Up’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnMMu0809_w

Rihanna’s been pretty busy lately (even if she says otherwise). But in between posting naked Instagram photos and wielding penis purses, she managed to shoot a video for “Pour It Up,” and it’s pretty much exactly like you’d expect. Here’s the breakdown.

:03 – Rihanna is standing on Dagobah, the swampy planet on which Yoda took refuge.

:08 – Her shoes have dollar bills on them. Blatant Illuminati shoutout.

:18 – Rihanna has on a Carey Mulligan wig, Mardi Gras nipple tassels and the Incredible Hulk’s ripped up shorts. Okay.

:20 – I think she’s saying “Bowl it uh.” I think.

:24 – A stripper dances while wearing a baseball cap improperly. (You’re supposed to wear them forward and bend the brim. Baseball. Look it up.) Continue reading We Watched Rihanna’s ‘Pour It Up’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

We Watched Britney Spears’ ‘Work Bitch’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Remember those nostalgic boners promised by the photos of Britney Spears on-set for her “Work Bitch” video? Well, the video has arrived. Check your pants, because here’s what happens:

:02 – Britney is hanging by the pool, in front of a gigantic egg, with some stoic biker ladies.

:04 –  Now she’s sitting at a vanity on the set of “Breaking Bad,” not applying makeup but just having eye sex with herself in the mirror.

:06 – Suddenly she’s joined by a gaggle of other women, all with their hands on their hips as if you’ve done something wrong by watching. Continue reading We Watched Britney Spears’ ‘Work Bitch’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

We Watched Miley’s + Mike Will Made It’s ’23’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Mike Will Made It, who produced Miley Cyrus‘ “We Can’t Stop” and may or may not be sexing her, released a video for his new single featuring Miley, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J. The song is called “23,” and it’s marked by the fact that Mr. Made It, on whose upcoming album this track will supposedly appear, doesn’t seem to do … well, anything at all.

Regardless, we have the highlights for you.

:04 – Here is a high school administrator having a pleasant chat.

:11 – Uh oh!  His conversation is rudely interrupted by a poltergeist playing basketball. (They got mad skills, yo.)

:20 – Mike Will Made It storms the office like Gary Oldman in “Air Force One,” only way less threatening.

Continue reading We Watched Miley’s + Mike Will Made It’s ’23’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

We Watched Miley Cyrus’ ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Miley Cyrus has been busy lately. While her tongue escaped her mouth and ravaged downtown Los Angeles like a misfit kaiju monster, Miles went to Germany to mingle with the little people (literally). Now, as the world rallies to get rid of her, she has released a new video for “Wrecking Ball.”

Join us as we travel into another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. And venereal diseases. This will be a journey into the wondrous land whose bounderies are that of the imagination. At the sign post up ahead, your next stop: the Miley Zone.

Continue reading We Watched Miley Cyrus’ ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

We Watched Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.

Katy Perry‘s “Roar” has overtaken Robin Thicke‘s “Blurred Lines” on the charts (good riddance), and that’s something worth celebrating. But the video for “Roar” also has some truly disturbing messages. It’s earth-shattering, and it will change your perceptions of life and death. (No, really.)

For the faint of heart, we’ve compiled an expedient guide to events as they occur. Join us, won’t you?

:02 – Apparently we are watching a “Motion theory adventure.” What the shit is that?

:08 – Cigarette burn in the film. We all get refunds!

:09 – Goddamnit. Nevermind.

:12 – Katy Perry emerges from a plane crash unscathed. (In case of emergency, use your boobs as a floatation device.)

:17 – A poor man’s Crocodile Dundee snaps a selfie in the middle of the plane wreckage, as the screams of the injured and dying fill his ears.

Continue reading We Watched Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ Video So You Don’t Have To. Here’s What Happens.