Cher to Miley Cyrus: Bitch, Have a Seat

Twitter
Twitter

It’s been a month since Miley Cyrus made a nation cringe in unison during the VMAs, but someone just got around to asking Cher what she thought about it.

Most of the celebrities who’ve been asked to comment thus far have said various versions of “hey, that’s what the VMAs are all about” or “Miley’s just growing up” or “please stop talking to me because I’m not used to lying this much at once.”

But ask Cher for an opinion? Diva don’t play.

“[It was] so bad … She could have come out naked, and if she’d just rocked the house, I would have said, ‘You go, girl.’ It just wasn’t done well.

She can’t dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn’t great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don’t stick out your tongue if it’s coated.”

Wow, lookit that. Cher just became a human shade tree!

And she wasn’t done yet, either. In the days after the VMA debacle, Miley pretended not to understand the fuss and even said everyone else was thinking about the whole thing more than she ever did. But according to Cher, therein lies the problem.

“If you’re going to go that far [with a performance],” she said, “then think about it before you do it.”

Anything else, Lady Truth-Teller?

cher-moonstruck
 
Unfortunately, Cher’s now backtracked a little bit, using her Twitter account to say that while she’s not sorry for her opinions, she probably should’ve kept them to herself. (Why the hell would she start doing that now?)

Elton John Is Worried About Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga, But Mostly Just Wants You to Buy His Album

Twitter
Twitter

Elton John is typically pretty removed from the spotlight — until he has some shit to plug. Then he emerges, snipes at some other super famous people, and recedes. Last time he needed to do this he accused Madonna of lip-syncing. This time? He couldn’t choose who to attack, so he launched a double barrage on Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga — just to make sure something stuck.

Speaking with The Australian, John said:

“I look at Miley Cyrus and I see a meltdown waiting to happen. And she’s so young! But she’s got two records in the top 20, so who is going to stop her?”

Okay, Elton. Not everyone who acts against type is on the verge of a “meltdown.” Unlike, say, Amanda Bynes, we’re pretty sure that Miley knows exactly what she’s doing (unfortunately). Hell, she hasn’t even soaked a dog in gasoline yet.

Regardless, John said he can “spot a car crash before it happens.” Then he turned his attention to Gaga, saying:

“With Gaga – who I love, she’s the godmother to our children –I’d like to be able to talk to her right now, but I can’t get through to her. And there are times when you have to listen. When your persona begins to take over your music and becomes more important, you enter a dangerous place. Once you have people around you who don’t question you, you’re in a dangerous place.”

We’ll give you that one, dude. Lady G is clearly surrounded by yes-men who think walking around with a bag over your face is a great idea. She’s lost some of her vision, and soon she’ll be giving ironic concerts to the homeless. Or doing some art installation where she rides around in a cab throwing pieces of chicken out the window.

But she’s already in a fight with a prominent gay person, Elton. She doesn’t need two on her hands. Better leave her be.

Elton’s new album, “The Diving Board,” will be out September 24th. But that’s probably purely coincidental.

Gwyneth Paltrow Put Out a Hit on Vanity Fair Magazine

Warner Bros.
Warner Bros.

Vanity Fair has long been the darling rag of Hollywood. It publicized filmmakers, and filmmakers returned the favor by turning out in droves to the magazine’s annual Oscar party — the swankiest of the year.

But the publication recently took a slightly less asskissy turn, particularly in its treatment of the production nightmares that plagued Brad Pitt‘s pet project “World War Z,” and in an article about Tom Cruise‘s creepy Scientologist underground.

So Gwyneth Paltrow is fighting back.

Continue reading Gwyneth Paltrow Put Out a Hit on Vanity Fair Magazine

And Now We Know What It Takes to Make Us Feel Bad for Paris Hilton

It’s Fashion Week in New York this week, and the elite are all attending shows where people wear clothing made of recycled DVD cases and Lady Gaga furiously scribbles crib notes in the corner. It’s all pretty basic stuff.

Until Paris Hilton exited one of the shows and ran into a complete lunatic who proceeded to go apeshit on her completely unprovoked.

Amidst a flurry of activity, the man screams, “You are the epitome of bourgeois decadence! Get outta here!” before following up with “Get your goddamn dinosaur face outta here!” Meanwhile, Paris is just looking for a way out of the (now growing) crowd and back to her car.

As she gets away, the man starts up a chant of “Bourgeois pig!” that several people recite until she’s gone. Jesus, dude.

Look, making fun of Paris Hilton when she does something stupid is fine. But, really, she’s not relevant enough in 2013 to even bother with. And, in this case, she was literally just walking and minding her own business. Plus we doubt she’s read enough (or any) Marx to understand the insults you’re slinging from down below in your proletariat slums.

How big of a douche do you have to be to just start accosting a woman for no reason? Or to have the gall to call Paris Hilton bourgeois over anyone else attending NYC fashion week? (Check your privilege.) 

Furthermore, how big of a douche do you have to be to make us feel bad for Paris Hilton? Monumentally huge. (We didn’t even think that was possible.)

Congratulations, man. Now go away forever.

Tori Amos Predicted the Downfall of Lady Gaga

Tori Amos Lady Gaga
Facebook / Twitter

Lady Gaga has been a little less interesting as of late, from both a musical and aesthetic standpoint. It seems she’s beginning to falter a bit, and competition from Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus appears to be getting the best of her. But it seems this was all predicted several years ago by none other than soothsayer extraordinaire Tori Amos.

It was August of 2009 when Tori materialized in front of a reporter for The Sun in a puff of ethereal blue smoke and began to disclose future events:

“She’s what I call a meteor — singers who entertain people for a while. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. But then there are people like Neil Young who show up at Glastonbury 40 years into their career. And that’s a very different kind of artist.”

There’s only room in this town for one piano princess, evidently. And it must have seemed a little too sunny in Gaga world, because the shade continued:

“The question is, will Lady Gaga be playing alongside Neil Young at Glastonbury in 20 years’ time? She wants to entertain people. Right now, half the world is depressed and they need to be entertained. So her timing’s perfect.”

Of course, no one listened. The world took Tori’s quiet, sage wisdom and forgot about it. But had everyone been listening, think of all the disasters we could have avoided. Imagine what she may have been saying this whole time unbeknownst to us (thanks to the liberal media, obviously).

We might have stopped Fukushima. Maybe “Grown Ups 2” would never have been released. The consequences are monumental.

So next time you’re wandering through a forest and hear a disembodied voice whisper, “Justin Bieber will not be remembered three years from now,” just smile and chuckle. Because Tori Amos is not the prophet we deserve, but the prophet we need.

Deal with it.
Deal with it.

Vince Gill Cussed Some Dolts from the Westboro Baptist Church. Like a Boss.

http://youtu.be/wpc13FR98Us

Most people these days ignore the Westboro Baptist Church, seeing as how they’re just a bunch of tragic attentionwhores spewing hatred and ignorance (because that’s totes what Jesus would do). But when they targeted Vince Gill, they picked the wrong dude.

A few WBC drones picketed Gill’s Kansas City show on Sunday night (he’s on his second marriage and thus BFFs with Satan, derp) and got a personal appearance from the normally soft-spoken country star himself. And — thank you, Baby Jesus — it was all caught on video.

“Vince Gill, what in the world are you doing out here?” you can hear a woman ask, and Gill answers, “I just came to see what hate looked like.” BOO-YA.

She persists: “What are you doing with another man’s wife? Don’t you know that divorce plus remarriage equals adultery?”

Vince then retorts, “Don’t you know you fuckers are lucky that you don’t have a sign that says something about my wife?”

headbutt

Finally, after calling another protester “a big dipshit” and mocking the group in general, he speeds off on a Magic Carpet of Justice buoyed by teams of swooning angels.

Ellen DeGerenes Is Super Happy About Bethenny Frankel’s New Talk Show. Maybe.

Ellen DeGeneres, Bethenny Frankel
CBS / Eharmony

Skeletor Bethenny Frankel refuses to go away (remember, that’s how she’s making all that money). After getting the boot from Bravo, the erstwhile “Real Housewife” has had all sorts of ventures, but they’ve all lead up to this: the launch of her own eponymous talk show this afternoon.

Feeling she should say something, reigning queen of talk Ellen DeGeneres tweeted out a deliciously backhanded endorsement:

Is it meant to be taunting, or a genuinely kind gesture? With Ellen, it’s hard to tell (and she knows it, which is why the missive was so brilliant). But we’re betting it’s all in good fun, because these two seem pretty tight.

Plus, Bethenny ended up retweeting it. Which means either Ellen’s well-wishes were truly from the heart … or Bethenny doesn’t know when she’s being made fun of. And that’s not possible. Right? 

Regardless, we at least know Jill Zarin’s feelings on daytime’s newest host.

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Kanye Gets Kim a Magazine Kover That’ll Probably Give Anna Wintour a Konniption

CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book

Word has it that Vogue empress Anna Wintour has such disdain for Kim Kardashian that none of the magazines owned by parent company Conde Nast can feature her on the cover. In fact, seems the only way Kim even got into the Met Ball this year after being banned before was to get herself knocked up by Anna’s boo Kanye West.

KK then showed up looking like a high school upholstery project, which could explain why she was cropped out of the official Vogue photos from the event. (But let’s be real here — that probably happened because Anna still thinks Kim is trash.)

Anyway, the point here is that Kanye hasn’t just been Kim’s boyfriend and babydaddy — he’s basically been the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle, taking a guttersnipe and turning her into (something that in the right light could maybe kinda sorta pass for) a lady.

Regardless, getting her the cover of the latest CR Fashion Book was one hell of a coup. Even if she does look utterly ridiculous.

The magazine is helmed by Carine Roitfeld, the former editor of French Vogue, and fashionistas are snickering that she put Kim on the cover as a not-so-subtle dig at Anna. (Jesus, could there possibly be anything more one-percent than a slapfight between Vogue editors?)

Karl Lagerfeld — who always looks like he’s smelling raw sewage at PRECISELY THIS MOMENT — took the photos of a very pregnant Kim, and the art direction was done by Givenchy’s Riccardo Tisci, the guy who designed that mess she wore to the Met Gala. So really, this shoot had no choice but to be a beautiful disaster.

On another note, are we about done with the whole “rich white people in grills” trend? Yes? Excellent.

CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book
CR Fashion Book

A Fellow Canadian Tried to Punish Justin Bieber for Shaming the Homeland

God may save the queen, but Justin Bieber's bodyguards have to save him
God may save the queen, but Justin Bieber's bodyguards have to save him

If there’s anything we know about Justin Bieber by now, it’s that he can KICK YOUR ASS — as long as his well-paid bodyguards are holding you down. A lesson we learned again late Friday night.

Seems the Biebs was partying at a nightclub back home in Canada when he decided to venture out from the VIP section (where he apparently wasn’t getting enough adulation) and mingle with the unwashed masses. That’s when TMZ says a dude bum-rushed him, grabbed the shirt that he actually had on for a change and tried to take him down.

Justin’s guards, who heard the commotion on the baby monitors they carry at all times, came to his rescue, but he surprised everyone by yelling YO I GOT DIS and then beating the snot out of his attacker using only a sideways trucker cap and the waistband of his exposed underwear as weapons.

LOL JK. What actually happened is that Bieber’s goons pulled the guy off, at which point Justin “unleashed a fury of kicks” on him because in his world, that’s what fair fights are made of. (It’s only unsporting if the other guy is unconscious, you guys.)

The unnamed man was tossed from the club, and Bieber and his flying monkeys left shortly thereafter.

Lady Gaga Had a Twitter Slapfight With Perez Hilton. Oh, and She Really Wants You To Buy Her New Single.

Perezhilton.com. Unfortunately.
Perezhilton.com. Unfortunately.

These are troubling times in the Gaga kingdom. As you may or may not already know, Lady Gaga‘s new album ARTPOP looks to be about as in demand as the complete series of The Chevy Chase Show on Blu-ray. And desperate times call for desperate measures.

Continue reading Lady Gaga Had a Twitter Slapfight With Perez Hilton. Oh, and She Really Wants You To Buy Her New Single.