Charlie Sheen’s Twins Are Back With Their Mom and He’s Totally Losing His Shit Over It

Stand back. He could blow at any minute.
Stand back. He could blow at any minute.

The sad, sad saga of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller‘s twin sons Bob and Max has a whole new chapter — and it’s already making Charlie come unglued.

Once Denise Richards was forced to wash her lovely hands of the situation (because the kids have all the hallmarks of miniature serial killers in the making), it left the boys sorta homeless because Child Services had already deemed both their parents unfit for custody. That’s when Brooke’s brother Scott stepped in and volunteered to take them.

Trouble is, Scott lives quite a ways away from where Bob and Max have been living, so in order to keep them from having to switch schools, a judge okay’d Scott (and the kids) moving in to Brooke’s house. Which is, you know, weird since Brooke isn’t allowed to have them in her care — yet what just happened is she got her kids back. With a full-time manny, even.

Suffice it to say that shoved Charlie right off the edge on which he already spends most of his days precariously teetering — so of course he immediately took to Twitter and promptly violated a gag order barring him from talking about the custody case publicly.

so lemme see if I got this straight.
my twin boys are now in harms way and in grave danger.
being “raised” by a gaggle
of incompetent and lascivious
marionettes all ruled and fooled by an adderol snorting
husk called Brooke.

and guess what CPS and
“I’m Italian” judge anus-brain,
you may have gagged me temporarily, but mark my unspoken words,
anything happens to my boys,
and you will know get to know me,
know who I truly am,
a loving father.
tag – I’m it.

And then:

and if this means being jailed
for loving and trying to protect my children,
then go for it.
I have as many friends on
the inside as i do out here.
my passion WILL NOT be silenced.
you are all now standing in my way.
I’d recommend a shift in
your geography.

The kicker to all this is Brooke’s house and Charlie’s house are both in the same gated community — he bought her the nearby pad (during happier, less gag-ordery times) so he’d be able to see their boys on the regular. Which means this new custody arrangement will quite literally be going on right under his nose.

That’ll end well.

(Oh, and fair warning: I call dibs on “Judge Anus-Brain” next Halloween.)

Tom Cruise Got His Thetans In A Bunch Over Bauer Media


Bauer Media are the publishers of Life & Style Magazine, who have been publishing a lot of accusations that Tom Cruise has more or less abandoned daughter Suri. This, of course, was the piece that launched a thousand libel lawsuits. Now RadarOnline has uncovered documents revealing his (and Scientology’s) legal strategy, which basically boils down to yelling “Nazi!” while couch jumping.

In a letter sent from Cruise attorney Bert Fields to Bauer, Fields resorts to some really bizarre ad hominems about how, in the 30s, the German Bauer Media supported the Nazis:

“This relentless defaming of Mr. Cruise and his Church is less surprising now that we have discovered Bauer’s long and disgraceful record of religious hatred any bigotry. “This appalling record goes back to the 30s and 40s, when Bauer Publishing was a fawning admirer of Hitler and the Nazis, publishing glamorous portraits of Der Führer … They also published vicious caricatures of Jews that were so popular in Germany at the time.”

We haven’t checked, but we’re pretty sure whoever was running Bauer Media in 1942 is no longer in charge of day to day operations alive. But whatever. The fact is that up until recently, Bauer produced Der Landser, an icky magazine that was a favorite of skinheads but they still maintain included no overt Aryan propaganda.

Another subsidiary produces pornography such as “Inglorious Bitches,” a bizarre French porn parody of “Inglorious Basterds”from the point of the nazis (which I scoped out for research purposes). It’s not cool.

Regardless, none of this has to do with the validity of the Cruise claims, nor about anything they’ve published about the cult of Scientology (who, by the way, has in the past called people pedophiles just because they were speaking out against them). Fields thinks that Bauer has shifted its editorial bashing, saying: “In the 1930s it was the Jews. Today it’s the Scientologists.” (Riiiight.)

This is a sticky situation all around, and there’s no way to tell whether Bauer – who are clearly under the control of Lord Xenu – will succeed in crushing “Mission Impossible 6.” Stay tuned.

Justin Bieber Had a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Time in Brazil

The trail of slime Justin Bieber‘s “Believe” tour is leaving behind as it winds its way around the globe is typical only of snails, snakes and possibly Joe Francis. And this weekend’s stopover in Brazil was no exception.

On Friday, the Biebs was caught on camera being hustled out of a brothel by his security team while badly losing the “if I can’t see you, you can’t see me” game — because even though they had the Boy King covered in a sheet, some of his telltale ill-advised ink was showing and gave him away.

Page Six reported:

The 19-year-old pop star and a friend spent more than three hours in the popular whorehouse Centauros in Rio de Janeiro — before leaving with two women, sources said. He jumped into the back seat of a car while the women, who covered their faces, were put in SUVs and escorted back to his hotel.

Bieber was later kicked out of the hotel for breaking rules, the Brazilian news Web site EGO reported. But another source insisted that Bieber left because hordes of fans mobbed the place, a creating a “security issue.”

Sources at the hotel claimed he and his crew had for days been partying, doing drugs and disturbing people, according to EGO. The singer, who had been staying at the upscale Copacabana Palace hotel in southern Rio, moved his entourage to a rented mansion in a gated community, the site reported.

A spokesman for Bieber declined comment.

(For the record, prostitution is legal in Brazil but brothels are not. Bieber should’ve stuck with freelance whores.)

That brings us to Saturday night, when Justin was apparently so exhausted from his paid sexytime that he was three hours late to a meet and greet that fans paid upwards of $1000 to attend. Then he was about 90 minutes late starting his concert in Rio, where he endeared himself to the locals by kicking their national flag around.

One or all of the above pissed someone off, because video shows a water bottle being flung at Bieber mid-show, hitting his face and knocking the mic right out of his hands. He then stormed off stage — but not before shooting the crowd a look that, had he been a wizard, would’ve turned them all into one-eyed newts.

The audience reportedly chanted for about half an hour to try to get him to come back (even breaking into an impromptu singalong of “Baby”), but to no avail. By then he’d already gone back to the hotel, put on his footie pajamas, and settled down with a bottle of warm milk and a hooker or two.

Josh Brolin Is Grading Cab Drivers Now

Here’s Josh Brolin over the weekend after rear-ending a cab, following the cab driver around and endlessly berating him while refusing to pay for the damages with his millions of dollars. Classy.

TMZ reports that both the cab and Brolin were in a Del Taco drive through in Los Angeles when Josh pulled forward too much, resulting in some scratches to the cab.

The cabbie tried to swap insurance info, but instead Josh decided to yell “You fucking asshole!” before stepping towards the cabbie (who backed down pretty quick, because even the passengers remarked about how ripped Brolin is) and saying “You suck as a cab driver” over and over.

Josh sped off after the cabbie pulled forward, and as of yet there’s nothing to indicate a police report has been filed, which is kind of an unsatisfying ending. He didn’t even get to scream “I’m a man in black, bitch!” or “No country for shitty, old cab drivers!

Also, this whole thing would have been better had he actually been been holding a burrito during the confrontation, gesturing furiously and throwing guacamole all over the place.

But it’s pretty entertaining regardless. Watch out, cab drivers! The Gangster Squad’s #1 guy says you’re on notice.


Guy Fieri and His Hairdresser Had a Bitchfight

Guy Fieri and his hairdresser, Ariel Ramirez, had just touched down in San Francisco International Airport on Saturday when all the booze they’d consumed during the flight kicked in and a glorious, drunken slapfight erupted.

Footage shows Ariel beating up on Guy through their car’s open doorway, sobbing uncontrollably and screaming about how Guy is a “fucking dickhead” – something everyone else figured out years ago. He also slips around in the dirt as Guy kicks him away from the vehicle.

TMZ says that eventually Ariel was kicked out and and he took a cab back home with Guy’s manager, and they quote a source saying it was “dudes being dudes.” Super emasculated, sad dudes.

Meanwhile, Guy’s rep says that the two have patched things up since, but there’s still no word on what started the fight. Maybe Guy cooked him some of his “food.”

Bethenny Frankel Took Down Farrah Abraham

Farrah Abraham is still running around struggling to promote her line of rubber vaginas, so she appeared on “Bethenny” yesterday — because what better outlet to do so than a talk show struggling to retain mediocre ratings?

Bethenny (and her audience of knife-sharpening soccer moms) immediately began circling like vultures, asking about Farrah waxing her daughter’s unibrow, ditching her daughter so she can “do her own thing” and  generally being terrible.

Farrah was immediately on the defensive, and it got tense pretty quick. Farrah sat alone on an IKEA couch while Bethenny wandered the audience handing the mic to angry, frothing upper-middle class people as everyone else scowled in silence.

Once Bethenny rejoined her on the couch, nothing let up. Bethenny just continued her assault while giving Farrah a squinty-eyed, skeptical Clint Eastwood stare (which makes sense, because talking to Farrah is a lot like talking to a chair).

It’s probably the best daytime talk moment we’ve seen since Sherri Shepherd said that Christianity predated Ancient Greece, and definitely the highlight of Bethenny’s talk show tenure thus far.

Later Farrah told Radar that Bethenny was rude, “degrading to women” and went on to suggest Bethenny’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy should purchase her sex toys, which would actually be really great.

Too bad “Celebrity Boxing” isn’t still on the air.

Kelly Osbourne Celebrated Her Birthday by Insulting Lady Gaga


Yesterday was Kelly Osbourne‘s birthday. This coincided with her former arch rival Lady Gaga appearing on “The X Factor” with her mum, Sharon. Gaga did a super sweet thing and brought Sharon a cake for Kelly. But Kelly was none too pleased.

After Gaga tweeted the above shot, Kelly posted a photo of the cake to her instagram with the delightfully pleasant caption: “#EatMyShit #Hypocrisy.” What’s hypocritical? We’re not sure. But Kelly had already flipped her bitch switch and wasn’t about to stop, tweeting:

Gaga, however, took the high road, holding the olive branch high and calling for little monsters to stop being mean to Kelly:

Finally, in the cold light of morning, Kelly realized she came off looking pretty bad and decided a mea culpa was in order.

Ultimately, this worked out pretty good for both of them. Their feud can finally be buried and Lady G gets more people talking about her new album without having to strip down and put on a fake mustache.

And just like that, Gaga is fabulous again. We couldn’t stay mad at her anyway.

Katy Perry Wishes Miley Cyrus Would Just Put Her Clothes On Already

She's the classy one now
She’s the classy one now

Miley Cyrus recently gave a facepalm-worthy interview to Cosmo that we’ve ignored thus far because for chrissakes, we’ve palmed our faces about her enough lately and touching your face causes acne and shit.

That said, for reasons we’ll explain in minute, we do have to call out this bit where Miley stopped complimenting herself long enough to say:

“The support of other artists is important because there are not many people who can relate to what I’m going through right now. Kanye West is one of those people, and even Katy Perry has been so cool … for Katy to say that she appreciates what I’m really doing for the pop industry, that keeps you going.”

Seems Katy has since had a change of heart, though, because in an NPR interview that aired on Saturday, she bemoaned the unclothed state of many of her contemporaries. She wouldn’t name names, but you don’t need a calculator to do the math here.

“I mean, it’s like everybody’s so naked. It’s like, put it away. We know you’ve got it. I got it too … I’ve taken it out here and there. And I’m not necessarily judging. I’m just saying sometimes it’s nice to play that card but also it’s nice to play other cards. And I know I have that sexy card in my deck but I don’t always have to use that card.”

Yeah, she’s probably shading Rihanna and Ke$ha and Lady Gaga too, but you know Miley’s mushy ass had to be the majorette leading that little parade.

To recap: The girl who once did this in a video thinks it’s time everyone got dressed and started acting like ladies.

katy perry whipped cream

If the San Francisco Giants Never Win Again, It’s All Kanye West’s Fault

Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.
Thanks for the curse, Kanye. Thanks a whole lot.

Once upon a time, the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth, aka “The Bambino,” to the New York Yankees. What followed was an 86-year period during which the (previously super successful) Sox didn’t win a single World Series title — something that was blamed on the “Curse of the Bambino.”

Earlier this week, Kanye West demurely (it wasn’t demure) proposed to Kim Kardashian in the middle of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. And now pissed-off Giants fans are terrified the act may have cursed the beloved ballpark, leaving the team with the “Curse of the Famewhore-o.” (Shut up. I like symmetry.)

You couldn’t sully Dodger Stadium, Kanye? You live in Los Angeles. Keep that shit at home.

Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing Van Halen t-shirts and breaking up the band.

Tara Reid Doesn’t Like Being Called a Hot Mess


Tara Reid has been an easy target for a long while now. There was a time when she was teetering on the brink of rehab, but lately, she’s been laying fairly low and not making any waves. Even still, that hasn’t stopped people from calling her a train wreck — even former co-stars like Jason Biggs.

Tara touched down in Los Angeles yesterday and called out Biggs via Twitter, saying:

She must have been referring to his appearance on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live!” this month, during which he was asked to play a game wherein he gave his past co-stars prison nicknames. Tara’s was “Hot Mess.”  And even though he was kind of joking, he kind of wasn’t.

And if you didn’t already feel sorry enough for her, she posted a bunch of photos on Twitter of her hanging out with Andrew Dice Clay and Tom Green. We wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemies.

Biggs has yet to acknowledge Tara and probably won’t. (Don’t expect a role in “Sharknado 2,” Jason.)