Pretty People Are Pretty

Johnny Depp Banged the Lesbian Out of Amber Heard and Now They’re Engaged

Amber Heard (a pretty actress you may or may not have heard of) starred with Johnny Depp in 2011’s “The Rum Diary” (a pretty movie you may or may not have seen). At the time, Depp had been with his partner and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis for almost 15 years, and Heard had been with her same-sex partner, artist Tasya van Ree, for about four years.

In mid-2012, both couples split — and Depp and Heard have been together ever since. Pure coincidence, of course.

Now sources say they’re engaged. And despite no official word from overpaid PR people, Amber was caught on camera earlier this week trying very hard to hide some bling on her left hand, so it’s probably true.

I’m not bitter. I’M NOT. (I am completely bitter.)

“It happened on Christmas Eve,” a source close to the family told Celebuzz. “Amber really took her time to make up her mind.”

“She turned him down before,” added the source, “before she said yes. So she waited and was thinking about it for a long time.”

Probably because Johnny Depp has a penis and all. But don’t go putting your bourgeois sexual orientation labels on her. When Flare magazine asked Amber last year if she identifies as bisexual, she replied:

“It is so strange to me that everyone cares … Maybe you like blondes now, but maybe you’ll be into a brunette in the future. I just don’t understand this idea that we have to choose one or the other.”

I hope she knows it’ll take more than a visit to Javier at the salon if she wants to swap out Johnny’s bits.

In any case, while it did take someone like Johnny Depp to bang all the residual traces of lesbian out of her, it seems to be a done deal now.

(I kid, of course. You can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.)

(But don’t be surprised if right-wingers want to dispatch Johnny Depp to Birkenstock stores all over the world, just in case.)

karen walker lesbians will and grace gif

Adam Lambert Is Made of Glitter and Guyliner and Utter Fabulousness

http://youtu.be/YaJ3FLqCEQk

The collective talent of the “Glee” cast is pretty much undeniable, but let’s be real here — the show itself hasn’t been interesting in a long time. So lately, it’s embarked on that hallowed TV tradition often observed by waning programs that still have a bunch of episodes they’re contractually obligated to make: stunt-casting.

Which brings us to the video above. Look, I don’t know the storyline beyond what’s presented here, and it really doesn’t matter. All you need to know is Adam Lambert covers Lady Gaga‘s “Marry the Night.” And by “covers” I mean “makes it his bitch.”

Adam, as you may recall, should’ve won the 8th season of “American Idol” back in 2009 but didn’t, most likely because he has the gay and the little girls who do all the voting weren’t yet old enough to realize they wanted to borrow his clothes and makeup. (And really, it’s a good thing he lost. Otherwise he’d have been stuck with the winner’s curse of a first album that’s the musical equivalent of tapioca pudding.)

Anyway, Adam’s spent the years since being outrageous and talented and pissing off people who really need pissing off. His most recent gig is a multi-ep arc on “Glee” — and if his debut performance is any indication, the snoozy show just put on its highest heels, washed down a few Adderall with a Red Bull, and hit the clubs.

Meet Jamie Dornan, Your New Christian Grey and the Hottest Guy You’ve Never Heard Of

Well. Aren't you attractive. — Well. Aren’t you attractive.

A while back, Charlie Hunnam took the role of Christian Grey in the sure-to-be-shittastic movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then he sobered up from his weekend bender, screamed in horror, became the human personification of every “nope nope nope” GIF you’ve ever seen, and bailed.

That left Dakota Johnson‘s Anastasia Steele without anyone to touch her “down there.” (Seriously, that’s what the character in the book calls her vaj. “Down there.” And soccer moms still bought eleventymillion copies of this dreck.)

So a call went out to find a hot guy willing to sell his soul to the God of Bad Movies Made From Even Worse Books (Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer pray to him on the regular) and lo, one Jamie Dornan sprang forth.

Dornan is an Irish actor who’s appeared in “Marie Antoinette” and had twisted homicidal roles in “Once Upon a Time” and the UK series “The Fall,” so he’s perfectly suited to play a sadistic misogynist. More importantly, he’s a former model who looks so good shirtless that the New York Times once dubbed him “The Golden Torso.”

Nothing’s been signed yet, but the Hollywood Reporter is sure enough about his casting that it’s reporting the whole thing is a done deal.

Thanks to his long modeling career, there are photos of this guy everywhere, so you’ll have no problem seeing him in just about every state of dress (or undress) even before “Fifty Shades” debuts, flops, and becomes the camp classic it’s destined to be.

Case in point: Here’s a chick taking a bite out of Jamie’s ass to sell jeans. As you do.

[h/t Buzzfeed; photos via Banana Republic and Calvin Klein]

Scarlett Johansson Is Esquire’s ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ Again

Seven years after first being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire, “The Avengers” actress Scarlett Johansson has now earned the distinction of being the only women to win the title twice.

During the interview she discusses handwriting samples, says that goats are “pretty sketchy” animals and spits in Aristotle’s face by saying that rationality doesn’t really exist. Also, the interviewer makes a point of noting he didn’t stare at her ass — even though nobody should take him at his word.

Scarlett also speaks about her brief marriage to ~~Green Lantern~~ Ryan Reynolds as well as her current fiance, ad executive Romain Dauriac, saying:

“I think maybe in the past I didn’t have the same kind of investment (in relationships). Not that I liked my partner less, I just wasn’t capable of it or caring that much.”

Honestly, I got to the point where the interviewer asks her if she enjoys wearing sunglasses (seriously) before clicking over into a slideshow of pictures that proved to be much more interesting.

Congratulations, Ms. Johansson. But this title still does not let you off the hook for “We Bought a Zoo.” Some of us spent $9 on that.

Scott Eastwood and His Pecs Send Their Regards

Scott Eastwood, son of Clint, let everyone know he existed with that shirtless Town & Country photo spread last week — and judging by his Instagram account, he hasn’t worn a shirt since.

The SCOTT SMASH shot above was captioned, “Trying to out flex the tank. Not working,” and had a string of hashtags that seem to indicate he’s shooting a movie with Brad Pitt and “Shia Laboof” (or Shia LaBeouf, if you’re nitpicky about spelling).

Then there’s the shot below, which will only write another chapter in Scott Eastwood’s Big Book of Manly Manliness:

Most of the comments on the picture are, needless to say, soaked in drool and swoon and a need for clean undies. And then there was the realist who posted “who even gardens like that?” as though they were genuinely concerned about Scott getting dirt down his crack or blisters on his ungloved hands during this not-at-all staged photo-op.

Go home, commenter. You’re drunk.

Richard Gere Is Single Again

In news that will surely launch a thousand unfunny gerbil jokes, Richard Gere and his wife of 11 years, actress Carey Lowell, are calling it quits thanks to what Page Six calls “different lifestyles.”

But before you get on Twitter and say something lame about Habitrails being a lifestyle choice now, seems the couple’s problems go deeper (SHUT UP) than that. Sources say they’ve “been spending time apart for quite some time,” largely because she’s all bright lights big city and he’s all peace and serenity and evening cocktails with the Dalai Lama.

“They have a place in Bedford [NY], and he likes it because it’s quiet and he likes the solitude,” said the insider. “She likes being in North Haven in the limelight. They live next door to Jimmy Buffett and his family, and they’re good friends.”

No one’s filed for divorce yet, but maybe they’ve been in the planning stages for a while. Back in July, the pair did put their 12-bedroom, 12,000-square-foot Hamptons home — with an “outdoor fireplace pavilion, 300 feet of waterfront and a teahouse” — on the market for $65 million.

And about a year ago, Gere supposedly pissed off some guy by flirting with his wife. She acted like she wasn’t into it, but you just know she texted all her friends later that night to brag about it (because Jesus have you seen “American Gigolo”?).

Kate Moss Is Getting Naked Again, This Time for Playboy’s 60th Anniversary

Playboy is turning 60, and to celebrate, they’ve drafted supermodel Kate Moss to shed her clothes and grace the celebratory cover in January.

Cooper Hefner, Hugh’s son, broke the news via Twitter this week, saying:

Kate Moss will be gracing the cover of our 60th anniversary issue this January. It'll be a great issue.

— Cooper Hefner (@cooperhefner) September 17, 2013

Why is this a big deal? We’re not sure. Kate’s done countless nude shoots. Hell, she’s naked in the new St. Tropez ads. See above.

Is it because Kate’s 40 now (or, as they call it in Hollywood, “dead”)? Do the bunny ears add that much? Probably not. But you’ll ~~buy it~~ download a PDF version illegally anyway.

Playboy‘s editorial director Jimmy Jellinek told the LA Times that the magazine is a “massive global brand,” adding, “You need a global icon in order to celebrate that — that was the impetus. You’re talking about the face of Burberry, the biggest supermodel in the world on the cover of Playboy. She’s the perfect partner for us to help launch the next 60 years.”

That’s right, Playboy. Cling to that relevancy while you still can. Because everyone is totally still buying print-edition pornography from Stan, the friendly neighborhood gas station attendant/soda jerk. This issue is definitely going to be the talk of the town at the Spring Sock Hop. Especially if Susie Mitchell agrees to go with me. Jeepers, that’ll be swell!

Clint Eastwood’s Son Is Pretty

Town & Country magazine apparently paid Clint Eastwood enough to unlock the vault where he’s been fermenting perfect DNA and lollipops and release the kraken known as Scott Eastwood, his 27-year-old son.

T&C also discovered Scott (who’s an actor, derp) can form words, so we got this series of super-masculine quotes:

“I want to be a man’s man — not a kid actor or a glitzy pop star but a no-bullshit leading man.”

“I’m not a club kind of guy. Dive bars are much more my thing. They’re no-nonsense.”

“The only way to drink [whiskey] is neat.”

Then he grew some facial hair on command and signed a pledge vowing to never ever sit down when he pees even if he breaks both legs lugging around his giant penis.

Jesus. Calm down there, Sparky. I know your old man is a legend and all, but pace yourself.

Anyway, never mind all that. Pretty boy is pretty!

Britney Spears Is Ready to Give You a Nostalgic Boner

When Britney Spears debuted “Baby One More Time” in 1999, it was life-changing. No man who witnessed that video, or the next few years of her career, wasn’t profoundly changed by Britney’s dulcet tones and swiveling hips. She single-handedly sold enough Kleenex to lead the CEO of Kimberly Clark into early retirement.

Then … things changed. We went through some wars, the economy crumbled and Lady Gaga rose to power. But now? When the world needs her most, Britney has returned. Like a sexy, featherless phoenix.

Yesterday, in the midst of working out in preparation for her upcoming residency at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas and readying the release of her new single “Work Bitch,” Spears tweeted out the stunning photo above.

Gone is the Britney walking barefoot through public restrooms with a bag of Funyuns. And just like that, you’re a slave 4 her all over again.

If this is any indication of the video that will follow, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry better step aside — because a whole new generation of socks is about to be soiled.

God Bless America.