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Hopefully, John Kerry Follows Madonna on Instagram

Madonna took time out from wearing a grill and studying the Talmud to make a succinct statement on United States foreign policy yesterday — just because she can.

Writing with the steady penmanship of a 7-year-old, Madge scribbled “U.S. stay out of Syria. For ~~fuck~~ humanity’s sake” on some generic printer paper, taped it to a wall, and then took a photo of it. That’s dedication.

Even more interesting was the comment section — because most of Madonna’s Instagram followers are astute political commentators — chiming in with quips ranging from “Bigggg Like for this :)” to “How can you love children and turn the other way?”

Political ramifications aside, it would be fascinating to see what Madonna’s reaction would be if we told her Assad was holding truckloads of 18-year-old Colombian boys hostage. She doesn’t like anyone stepping on her territory.

She’s Heisenmadge. She’s the one who knocks, dammit!

Kanye Gets Kim a Magazine Kover That’ll Probably Give Anna Wintour a Konniption

Word has it that Vogue empress Anna Wintour has such disdain for Kim Kardashian that none of the magazines owned by parent company Conde Nast can feature her on the cover. In fact, seems the only way Kim even got into the Met Ball this year after being banned before was to get herself knocked up by Anna’s boo Kanye West.

KK then showed up looking like a high school upholstery project, which could explain why she was cropped out of the official Vogue photos from the event. (But let’s be real here — that probably happened because Anna still thinks Kim is trash.)

Anyway, the point here is that Kanye hasn’t just been Kim’s boyfriend and babydaddy — he’s basically been the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle, taking a guttersnipe and turning her into (something that in the right light could maybe kinda sorta pass for) a lady.

Regardless, getting her the cover of the latest CR Fashion Book was one hell of a coup. Even if she does look utterly ridiculous.

The magazine is helmed by Carine Roitfeld, the former editor of French Vogue, and fashionistas are snickering that she put Kim on the cover as a not-so-subtle dig at Anna. (Jesus, could there possibly be anything more one-percent than a slapfight between Vogue editors?)

Karl Lagerfeld — who always looks like he’s smelling raw sewage at PRECISELY THIS MOMENT — took the photos of a very pregnant Kim, and the art direction was done by Givenchy’s Riccardo Tisci, the guy who designed that mess she wore to the Met Gala. So really, this shoot had no choice but to be a beautiful disaster.

On another note, are we about done with the whole “rich white people in grills” trend? Yes? Excellent.

Duquesne University Doesn’t Want Geraldo Rivera’s Hot Bod Corrupting Its Students

Donatella Versace first thing in the morning

When 70-year-old journalist Geraldo Rivera decided to, after a night of slamming tequila, post a half-naked selfie on Twitter back in July, the world was aghast. Or at least it was for about five minutes, before it resumed making cat jokes and everyone forgot about it.

But Duquesne University apparently hasn’t, because it’s now nixed Rivera’s appearance on an upcoming panel discussion about John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

Continue reading Duquesne University Doesn’t Want Geraldo Rivera’s Hot Bod Corrupting Its Students

Courtney Stodden’s Body Is Apparently Rebelling Against Her Store-Bought Rack

It wasn’t too long ago that teen bride Courtney Stodden opted for breast augmentation to complete her transformation into Malibu Barbie, and then proceeded to show off the new purchases all over the place. But now she’s on the British version of “Celebrity Big Brother” (because apparently British people still watch “Big Brother”) and something seems … off.

Continue reading Courtney Stodden’s Body Is Apparently Rebelling Against Her Store-Bought Rack

A Fellow Canadian Tried to Punish Justin Bieber for Shaming the Homeland

God may save the queen, but Justin Bieber's bodyguards have to save him

If there’s anything we know about Justin Bieber by now, it’s that he can KICK YOUR ASS — as long as his well-paid bodyguards are holding you down. A lesson we learned again late Friday night.

Seems the Biebs was partying at a nightclub back home in Canada when he decided to venture out from the VIP section (where he apparently wasn’t getting enough adulation) and mingle with the unwashed masses. That’s when TMZ says a dude bum-rushed him, grabbed the shirt that he actually had on for a change and tried to take him down.

Justin’s guards, who heard the commotion on the baby monitors they carry at all times, came to his rescue, but he surprised everyone by yelling YO I GOT DIS and then beating the snot out of his attacker using only a sideways trucker cap and the waistband of his exposed underwear as weapons.

LOL JK. What actually happened is that Bieber’s goons pulled the guy off, at which point Justin “unleashed a fury of kicks” on him because in his world, that’s what fair fights are made of. (It’s only unsporting if the other guy is unconscious, you guys.)

The unnamed man was tossed from the club, and Bieber and his flying monkeys left shortly thereafter.

David Cassidy Nailed For Drunk Driving

Keith Partridge took that whole “c’mon get happy” thing too literally and was pinched for DUI early this morning in New York after driving around with his high beams on (probably searching for members of the Brady family to run down).

The arresting officer smelled alcohol on the 64-year-old Cassidy’s breath and administered a field sobriety test, which you aren’t legally obligated to take, but David did anyway because self-incrimination is his god-given American right. Then he blew a .1 and was swept away to the drunk tank and eventually released on a $2,500 bail.

We can’t help but feel he could have gotten off if he had looked the officer square in the eyes and belted out:

“I think I’m wasted
So what am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
What I want to eat now.”

Anyway. This incident is exacerbated by the fact that he had a prior DUI in Florida a few years ago, making this one a felony. You can view video of that stop below.

Justin Bieber + Jay-Z Are Hanging Out Together Now. This Won’t End Well.

I’m not gonna lie: I’m a little worried about Jay-Z. A few weeks ago, he showered (what I really hope was ironic) praise on Miley Cyrus. Now he’s been willingly photographed with Justin Bieber.

The overgrown Canadian toddler posted the shot on his Instagram page, and in the photo, Jay has one arm slung around (the very funny) Kevin Hart, and it looks like his other arm is around the Biebs.

NO, HOVA, NO.

Look, I think Miley is about as transparent a poseur as I’ve ever seen, but I (somewhat) understand why guys like Pharrell are working with her. It’s a quid pro quo thing — she gets the hip-hop cred she’s clearly so thirsty for, and they get exposure to her millions of mainstream pop fans. And if she’s gonna pretend she’s into “urban,” at least she’s surrounding herself with credible names.

But Bieber? These days he’s little more than a bratty wanna-be thug who’s more famous for needing a proper ass beating than anything else. Being seen with him increases no one’s stock. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I was pretty ambivalent about Will Smith, and then I found out Justin regards him as kind of a second father. Say Will’s name now and my Pavlovian response is to smell vinegar and water.

What I’m saying is I adore Jay-Z and if Bieber ruins that for me, I may hunt him down and beat his ass myself.

Happy Birthday, Madonna. Knock It Off.

Today, August 17th, is Madonna’s 55th birthday. That makes this as good an occasion as any to point out that Madge is morphing into an amalgamation of every young and potentially threatening pop star that crosses her path. In a bid to claw her way back to the top of the relevancy pile, Madonna has begun to systematically take on the attributes of her competition, sort of like in The Thing From Another World, only far more frightening.

Continue reading Happy Birthday, Madonna. Knock It Off.