Gaze Into Miley Cyrus’ Porn Pumpkins and Question Everything

This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.
This gives new meaning to pumpkin seed.

Here are the uber edgy and adult pumpkins Miley Cyrus posted to her Twitter account early this morning because she is no longer Hannah Montana and she wants any passing transients to be able to jerk off by candlelight.

Aside from the two coitus pumpkins, there’s a very original pot leaf one with “4:20” emblazoned on it and a blackboard shaped like a pumpkin that says “Happy Fucking Halloween” in nice, loopy Miley handwriting (which, ironically, bears a resemblance to Walt Disney’s).

It’s highly unlikely Miley carved these sex-o-lanterns. They were probably done by a midget in a bear suit or whoever the hell she hangs out with these days. But she definitely captured the spirit of the season, which is pretty much all about cunnilingus. Nailed it.

Good job, Miles. #2spooky.

2SPOOKY+_cfc4f6230d2ab52c2f5efb1271393272

Beyonce Just Won Photobomb of the Week

Tumblr
Tumblr

Celebrity photobombs are nothing new. But Beyonce raised the bar this week by executing one right in the middle of a performance.

Bey was giving a show at Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne Park, Australia when she approached the front of the stage and a 15-year-old fan decided to turn her back for a photo. Just as she did, Bey swooped in and gave a sly smile for the camera.

Later, the girl posted it to her Tumblr page, where it completely blew up the internet, providing context with this exasperating run-on sentence:

i dont even know it was such a blur i just remember her bending down to me and my friend and i just turned for the photo and wowoowow it was the best moment ever like she posed its crazy i wasnt even expecting her to look at my phone or notice me in the crowd.

Well said.

beyonce-photobomb.gif.pagespeed.ce.q9nhdbVPCA

Stop It, Lady Gaga. Just Stop.

Here’s Lady Gaga, who’s desperately trying to get you excited for her new album “Artpop,” and barely raising more than a few “meh”s on Instagram.

Gaga’s been doing her best to hype this album by appearing all over with more weird shit on her head and super pretentious Twitter Q&A sessions, but really she doesn’t need either. Because when she strips down (figuratively) and just sings, she’s fantastic. And then she has to go and ruin it by doing something stupid.

We still love you, G. But sometimes less is more. Even Miley Cyrus is starting to figure that out.

Try it.

Here’s the Cake Wreck Drake Got for His Birthday

O Canada
O Canada

Today is Drake‘s 27th birthday, and someone was nice enough to get him a cake. A really, really awful cake.

Allegedly, this is a depiction of Drake’s hometown of Toronto. We see his “Started From the Bottom” billboard, the CN Tower, the Habibiz Café (his favorite hookah spot), a couple ads for his new album “Nothing Was the Same,” a Starbucks, and … STREETS PAVED WITH SKITTLES.

Or maybe those are Smartees. Regardless, between the free health care, candy-lined avenues and birthing Michael J. Fox, Canada is obviously a magical place. Too bad it’s melting like the Wicked Witch in a rainstorm.

Quick, Drizzy — blow out the candles before things get even worse.

Meet Jamie Dornan, Your New Christian Grey and the Hottest Guy You’ve Never Heard Of

Well. Aren't you attractive.
Well. Aren’t you attractive.

A while back, Charlie Hunnam took the role of Christian Grey in the sure-to-be-shittastic movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then he sobered up from his weekend bender, screamed in horror, became the human personification of every “nope nope nope” GIF you’ve ever seen, and bailed.

That left Dakota Johnson‘s Anastasia Steele without anyone to touch her “down there.” (Seriously, that’s what the character in the book calls her vaj. “Down there.” And soccer moms still bought eleventymillion copies of this dreck.)

So a call went out to find a hot guy willing to sell his soul to the God of Bad Movies Made From Even Worse Books (Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer pray to him on the regular) and lo, one Jamie Dornan sprang forth.

Dornan is an Irish actor who’s appeared in “Marie Antoinette” and had twisted homicidal roles in “Once Upon a Time” and the UK series “The Fall,” so he’s perfectly suited to play a sadistic misogynist. More importantly, he’s a former model who looks so good shirtless that the New York Times once dubbed him “The Golden Torso.”

This is why.
This is why.

Nothing’s been signed yet, but the Hollywood Reporter is sure enough about his casting that it’s reporting the whole thing is a done deal.

Thanks to his long modeling career, there are photos of this guy everywhere, so you’ll have no problem seeing him in just about every state of dress (or undress) even before “Fifty Shades” debuts, flops, and becomes the camp classic it’s destined to be.

Case in point: Here’s a chick taking a bite out of Jamie’s ass to sell jeans. As you do.

Tastes like chicken!
Tastes like chicken!

[h/t Buzzfeed; photos via Banana Republic and Calvin Klein]

Kanye Performed With Jesus, Too

 Instagram

Instagram

Before Kanye was misspelling pretentious marriage proposals, he was “performing” his “music.” That’s what happened in Seattle last weekend where he kicked off his Yeezus tour to shock and awe the world by performing with some dude dressed up as Jesus.

MTV news reports that after getting done with most of his set, a familiar Nazarene figure emerged, causing Kanye to proclaim:

“White Jesus, is that you? Oh, shit!”

He was probably shocked because he’s a trained anthropologist and can tell you that no white person emerged out of bronze age Palestine. Let alone ones holding microphones.

Other times during the set a choir of ladies dressed in robes with strange sacks over their faces came out and did something akin to Gregorian chants, and they closed by bowing to Jesus, who stood on top of a large mountain.

So, essentially, Kanye’s treading on territory Madonna covered nearly 25 years ago but being even more preachy about it.

Slow down, Ye. You could cut yourself on all that edginess.

Kanye and Kim Are Engaged Now

clydehairgod, Instagram
clydehairgod, Instagram

A few days ago, an entire orchestra of sad trombones blared on the news that Kanye West was never ever going to marry Kim Kardashian. Like, ever.

But the tabloids might want to put a stop payment on those checks they gave their “exclusive inside sources” because hey, guess what? Kanye and Kim are engaged now. For realsies.

In events documented by E! (which should really just change its name to K! already), Kanye supposedly asked Kris Jenner for Kim’s hand in marriage, causing her to produce a machete, hack off her daughter’s hand and have it boxed for Kanye at Tiffany because MAMA NEEDS RATINGS.

So last night — Kim’s 33rd birthday — Kanye sullied my adopted hometown of San Francisco by renting out AT&T Park, flashing “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” on the score board, and dropping to one knee to pop the question with a 15-carat ring as a 50-piece band played.

When she said “yes” (because as a twice-divorced single mother in her 30s with a porno in her past and a dying reality franchise, it’s not like she’s gonna get a better offer), fireworks went off and her friends and family poured out of the dugouts.

hot97, Instagram
hot97, Instagram

Good thing Kanye’s been teaching Kim all about the value of privacy. Imagine what a bombastic shitshow this would’ve been otherwise.
 

Farrah Abraham Got a ‘Mom’ Tattoo to Honor Herself Because Of Course She Did

Sometime in the past few days, “Backdoor Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham took time out of her busy, busy schedule of not being a porn star to get some ink and pay homage to herself — simultaneously.

https://twitter.com/F1abraham/status/390951640804499456/

At which point her 4-year-old daughter Sophia — the same kid Farrah recently pretty much abandoned — dropped her crayons in disgust, rolled her eyes and said, “Bitch, please.”

Then again, maybe the joke’s on us. The tat may say MOM from this angle, but just remember when Farrah’s feet are in the air, it says WOW.

Kim Kardashian Would Like to Reintroduce You to Her Ass

Instagram
With liberty and justice for all

Kim Kardashian, mother of an infant daughter, posted a photo of her ass and sideboob on Instagram last night like all the classy moms do.

It’s like she paid homage to the U.S. Congress by reopening her own personal Statue of Liberty. Her huddled masses were yearning to be free and NOW THEY ARE.

And how did babydaddy Kanye West feel about this?

https://twitter.com/kanyewest/status/390744663281631233

So. Now we’ve seen Kim engage in foreplay on video, on reality TV and on Twitter.

‘MERICA!
 

Maybe This Is Why Kristen Stewart’s Such a Mess

Who could blame her?
Who could blame her?

Kristen Stewart is the most miserable rich famous white girl ever. And once you see her childhood home, it’ll all make sense.

Curbed reports KStew’s dad (who’s apparently a stage manager of some sort) just put the Los Angeles house on the market for $1.75 million. The front looks pretty unassuming, and the listing details — five bedrooms, six baths, three fireplaces and two wetbars, plus a sauna, pool, barbecue and firepit — are fairly standard for pricey L.A. real estate.

Then? Things kinda go off the rails.

The backyard is artistically molded into [an] “Alice in Wonderland” theme with hand painted murals … and an oversized chess board.

Jesus. No wonder Kristen’s so warped. She probably spent her youth idolizing that pissed-off Queen of Hearts and losing a whole lot of games of life-sized chess.

Estately
Estately
Estately
Estately
Estately
Estately

[h/t Gawker]