Category: Fifty Shades of Blerg

Katie Holmes Might Want In On This Whole ‘Fifty Shades’ Thing

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Twitter

Since everyone and their mom wants to be in mommy porn now, it only seems right that we get a bullshit casting rumor for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” film every few weeks. This past week was no different, and now it’s allegedly Katie Holmes mulling over stripping down and getting whipped, or whatever it is that happens in those popular pieces of shiterature.

The National Enquirer says Katie is very interested in the role of Elena Lincoln, the ex-friend-with-benefits of Christian Grey who coaches him in the world of kinky, imaginary sex. We’d take it with a grain of salt. Part of the reason for the skepticism, aside from being in the Enquirer, is that their source says:

“She’s looking at this as the role of a lifetime for her. It will shock a lot of people, but she thinks Hollywood will sit up and take notice.”

Role of a lifetime? Some lady with a closet full of dildos and gimp suits? Don’t think so, bro. Nevertheless, the insider says Katie’s been working out to get in shape for the role, and that she’s convinced she’s the girl for them, adding, “She knows she has to reinvent herself.”

Of course, they also say it will piss off ex-husband Tom Cruise, who will probably put Katie on some sort of inter-dimensional hit list. But, hey: Katie Holmes in lingerie can’t be that bad…right?

Meet Jamie Dornan, Your New Christian Grey and the Hottest Guy You’ve Never Heard Of

Well. Aren't you attractive.
Well. Aren’t you attractive.

A while back, Charlie Hunnam took the role of Christian Grey in the sure-to-be-shittastic movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then he sobered up from his weekend bender, screamed in horror, became the human personification of every “nope nope nope” GIF you’ve ever seen, and bailed.

That left Dakota Johnson‘s Anastasia Steele without anyone to touch her “down there.” (Seriously, that’s what the character in the book calls her vaj. “Down there.” And soccer moms still bought eleventymillion copies of this dreck.)

So a call went out to find a hot guy willing to sell his soul to the God of Bad Movies Made From Even Worse Books (Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer pray to him on the regular) and lo, one Jamie Dornan sprang forth.

Dornan is an Irish actor who’s appeared in “Marie Antoinette” and had twisted homicidal roles in “Once Upon a Time” and the UK series “The Fall,” so he’s perfectly suited to play a sadistic misogynist. More importantly, he’s a former model who looks so good shirtless that the New York Times once dubbed him “The Golden Torso.”

This is why.
This is why.

Nothing’s been signed yet, but the Hollywood Reporter is sure enough about his casting that it’s reporting the whole thing is a done deal.

Thanks to his long modeling career, there are photos of this guy everywhere, so you’ll have no problem seeing him in just about every state of dress (or undress) even before “Fifty Shades” debuts, flops, and becomes the camp classic it’s destined to be.

Case in point: Here’s a chick taking a bite out of Jamie’s ass to sell jeans. As you do.

Tastes like chicken!
Tastes like chicken!

[h/t Buzzfeed; photos via Banana Republic and Calvin Klein]

Dakota Johnson Wants Out of ’50 Shades of Grey,’ Too

FOX
FOX

Last week Charlie Hunnam announced that the pressure of boning Dakota Johnson on camera over and over was just too much for a guy to handle, leading the filmmakers of “50 Shades of Grey” to begin looking for someone else. But their leading lady Dakota Johnson, set to play the easily manipulated Anastasia Steele, has reservations, now, too.

A source close to the actress told E! the sudden explosion in interest has her freaking out:

“Dakota is having a very hard time dealing with all the press. When she first got the role, it was way too much for her.”

Yeah, it’s probably weird to have journalists ask you about your butt plug collection and/or jet ski experience. The source said “it’s been tough” for Dakota, and now the race is officially on for her to pull out and leave the producers high and dry (the opposite of the character she’s slated to play).

But this is probably a good thing. Sasha Grey has been trying to expand her acting repertoire, she has a plethora of experience, and her name is Grey. It’s like the ultimate stunt casting feat. Granted, she probably wouldn’t want to get involved in this now that she’s written a competing adult novel, but still. They should at least try.

Meanwhile, Dakota’s IMDB message board is filled with neurotic married women bitching and moaning about how she looks “too old,” which would probably take its toll on any 23-year-old actress because it’s complete bullshit. Apparently the “50 Shades” fans like ’em young (even though many of them are suggesting Emma Watson, who’s the exact same age).

It’s like that old saying: You can please all of the sad, secretly-fetishistic married ladies none of the time.

Charlie Hunnam Wises Up and Bails on the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Movie

On second thought, mmmmmno
Upon further reflection, mmmno

Last month, a bunch of women shit their mom jeans in collective fury upon learning Charlie Hunnam had been cast as Christian Grey in the movie version of the literary outhouse known as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

But stand down, ladies. Turns out Charlie isn’t ready to lay waste to his career just yet, because a statement today reads:

“The filmmakers of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey.”

His TV schedule, by the way, involves his current work as one of the stars of “Sons of Anarchy.” It’s the same schedule he had when he signed on to the “Fifty Shades” trilogy (yes, there are three “books” in this wretched series) — so the above statement’s pants are clearly on fire.

Indeed, two sources told the Hollywood Reporter that Hunnam was “overwhelmed with the attention he received from being cast in the movie and got cold feet about carrying such a high-profile project.” (He’s even needed bodyguards recently because crazy people are crazy.)

My guess is Charlie also got a visit from the Ghost of Career Future, which bore more than a passing resemblance to Robert Pattinson — and that scared the hell out of him. Because while Rob’s rich and famous and never needs to work again, the rest of that sentence is “good thing, too, because no one wants to see him in anything but a ‘Twilight’ movie.”

Bret Easton Ellis Inserted Himself Into the ‘Fifty Shades’ Casting News Because Of Course He Did

Wikipedia/Summit Entertainment
Wikipedia / Summit Entertainment

Because lots of people are discussing the new “Fifty Shades of Grey” casting as if that film will have any merit whatsoever, Bret Easton Ellis decided that the news didn’t have nearly enough Bret Easton Ellis and took to Twitter to correct that.

He told the story of how he was hanging with “Fifty Shades” author E.L. James at a party this summer (some sort of private club for insufferable writers, perhaps) and James disclosed that Robert Pattinson was her first choice to play Christian Grey, the titular character who systematically breaks down and abuses women (kinda like Robin Thicke).

It makes sense that James is envious of “Twilight” author Stephenie Meyers’ Mormon cash cow and would want to cast Pattinson so 14-year-old fangirls would convince their parents to drop them off at midnight screenings. But seeing as “FSoG” began as Twilight fan fiction, we feel this would be a little bit too meta. It’s like casting Mary-Kate Olsen as an anorexic witch. (Oh. Nevermind.)

When James asked Ellis who he would choose to play Christian, Ellis said James Deen, the stunt cock who skulked around for two hours in “The Canyons,” a movie Bret himself penned. Upon hearing this, E.L. James supposedly shoved him — as if you can insult the artistic merits of a woman who writes dialogue like this:

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Regardless, Ellis says they were both drunk — wouldn’t you have to be to tolerate this alleged exchange? — and that was the end of the story. (At least we know they both have terrible taste in actors, because Paul Reubens was born to play this part. I know that without even reading a single word of the books.)

Check out the tweets below for some gratuitous name-dropping, because Bret Easton Ellis IS SO POPULAR, YOU GUYS.

Meet the Cast of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ aka Your New Favorite Softcore Porn Stars

Meet your stars of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'
FOX / FX

If you couldn’t sleep waiting for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” film to be cast because you’ve been lying awake wondering which pseudo-celebrities you’ll eventually see engaged in fake BDSM sex, rest easy. We now know Charlie Hunnam won the role of Christian Grey, and Dakota Johnson will be playing Anastasia Steele. (Wait. The character’s name is Anastasia Steele? Jesus Christ.)

Johnson is best known for the short-lived FOX sitcom “Ben and Kate” and a minor role in “The Social Network.” She’s also the daughter of Don Johnson and The Joker Melanie Griffith, and hopefully has a Cinemax subscription. (You know, for research.) Hunnam’s work includes a regular role on FX’s “Sons of Anarchy,” and movies like “Cold Mountain,” “Nicholas Nickleby” and this summer’s “Pacific Rim.” (Hooray?)

E.L. James, the bestselling “author” of the “Fifty Shades” tripe, made the announcements via Twitter and sent everyone into a batshit frenzy that caused them to automatically forget about our impending war with Syria.

But perhaps the most enjoyable aspect of this whole thing was that one of our favorite people, actress and writer Mara Wilson, took issue with the fact that these books chronicle the grooming and abuse of a young woman — so she’s been trolling James all week on Twitter:

James, who apparently didn’t so much like the idea of donating any part of her fortune to a domestic violence shelter, ultimately blocked Mara. But we certainly like the idea.

Suggested hashtag? #FiftyShadesofCharity.