Bret Easton Ellis Inserted Himself Into the ‘Fifty Shades’ Casting News Because Of Course He Did

Wikipedia/Summit Entertainment
Wikipedia / Summit Entertainment

Because lots of people are discussing the new “Fifty Shades of Grey” casting as if that film will have any merit whatsoever, Bret Easton Ellis decided that the news didn’t have nearly enough Bret Easton Ellis and took to Twitter to correct that.

He told the story of how he was hanging with “Fifty Shades” author E.L. James at a party this summer (some sort of private club for insufferable writers, perhaps) and James disclosed that Robert Pattinson was her first choice to play Christian Grey, the titular character who systematically breaks down and abuses women (kinda like Robin Thicke).

It makes sense that James is envious of “Twilight” author Stephenie Meyers’ Mormon cash cow and would want to cast Pattinson so 14-year-old fangirls would convince their parents to drop them off at midnight screenings. But seeing as “FSoG” began as Twilight fan fiction, we feel this would be a little bit too meta. It’s like casting Mary-Kate Olsen as an anorexic witch. (Oh. Nevermind.)

When James asked Ellis who he would choose to play Christian, Ellis said James Deen, the stunt cock who skulked around for two hours in “The Canyons,” a movie Bret himself penned. Upon hearing this, E.L. James supposedly shoved him — as if you can insult the artistic merits of a woman who writes dialogue like this:

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Regardless, Ellis says they were both drunk — wouldn’t you have to be to tolerate this alleged exchange? — and that was the end of the story. (At least we know they both have terrible taste in actors, because Paul Reubens was born to play this part. I know that without even reading a single word of the books.)

Check out the tweets below for some gratuitous name-dropping, because Bret Easton Ellis IS SO POPULAR, YOU GUYS.

The Girl Attached to the Ass Robin Thicke Felt Up Tells Her Story

Robin and Lana, sittin' in an utterly unoriginal tree
Robin and Lana, sittin’ in an utterly unoriginal tree

If you’ve been lying awake nights wondering why the very-married Robin Thicke recently performed a public proctology exam on someone who wasn’t his wife, that girl has now spoken out and solved the mystery. Even if some of her story is clearly bullshit.

Lana Scolaro is described as a “socialite” and has the vacuous, underfed Olsen-twin look required for the title. Her Instagram photos are exactly as trite as you’d expect: Lana with tiny dogs in expensive handbags, Lana partying with other cookie-cutter blondes, and Lana hanging out on tropical beaches.

So as soon as her ass went viral, she promptly did an interview with Celebuzz (home of the Kardashian blogs), because that’s a law for girls like her or something.

She starts out by saying she and Robin met the week before through mutual friends, and then adds:

“I was actually going over to the DJ booth and he followed me. His security guard took the photo and said, ‘you guys make a cute couple.’”

“I knew his hand was on my butt. I posted it on Instagram and didn’t notice the reflection. But someone noticed it and commented … I didn’t think it would cause this much drama. I didn’t know it would be all over everything like this.”

In other words, a famous married guy treated her ass like a stress ball, but no big. Also, Robin’s bodyguard is apparently a 14-year-old girl.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up

Someone Get Farrah Abraham an Emmy Already

It’s been a big year for Farrah Abraham, previously of MTV’s “Teen Mom 2.” First she released her hardcore porn debut, “Back Door Teen Mom,” then she proceeded to go cross country and make appearances in strip clubs with her tits pushed up and charge money for photographs with her. But now that Farrah’s done anal on camera, she wants to go to the next step: daytime soap operas.

So Farrah recorded a “Days of Our Lives” audition tape that’s one of the best things you’ll ever see — almost as if she wanted Christmas to come early. In it she memorizes nothing and instead opts to pause every 15 seconds and read lines off her phone. Just like Meryl Streep.

She’s reading the role of “Destiny” who — surprise, surprise — happens to be a hooker. And she apparently filmed it in her bathroom (alternately known as the douche chamber). But there’s more! Because standing alone with a cell phone wasn’t very compelling, she also recorded another version with a male companion who actually manages to be worse than she is.

It is exquisite.

Alas, the people at “Days” didn’t feel sold, and so she did not get the part. But hopefully she’s not dejected because we would very much like to see Farrah audition for “Boardwalk Empire” or “The Walking Dead.” (She already acts fairly zombie-like, anyway. Also, ZOMBIE SEX.)

Yeah, Lamar Odom Drinks. Wouldn’t You?

Twitter
Twitter

Pretend for a minute you’re Lamar Odom. You’ve been playing pro basketball for more than a decade, and that used to be what you were best known for. Until 2009, that is, when you married into America’s First Family of Famewhoredom. (Okay, you married the sanest sister of the bunch, but that’s like saying you drank the weakest hemlock.)

Since then, you’ve been part of three reality shows. In fact, what most people know about you these days is that you’re Mr. Khloe Kardashian. And when men complain about their mothers-in-law, you want to punch them dead in the face and yell SHUT UP, AT LEAST YOURS ISN’T A PIMP.

You’re 33. This is your life. And so … you drink. Or worse. We don’t blame you for that, sir. Just flipping past “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” when we’re channel-surfing makes us stabby.

But dude. You can’t imbibe and drive. That’s uncool. From TMZ:

Lamar Odom was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” early Friday morning … He was pulled over on the 101 Freeway for going too slow — 50 MPH. Cops say Odom had been driving in a “serpentine manner.”

Lamar initially did not respond to cops, and drove 3 exits before finally coming to a stop. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ he showed obvious signs of intoxication. [He] failed numerous field sobriety tests [and] when he was booked, we’re told he refused all chemical tests.

Lamar has been tooling around town lately … this after TMZ broke the story he had been on a crack binge.

Crack? That’s way below your pay grade. You’re not Bobby and Khloe’s not Whitney. Knock it off. If you need rehab, go. If you need solitude, get it. And if you need to flee this family and pretend the last few years have just been a bad performance art project, we’re behind you.

You’ve always seemed like a good dude. We don’t blame you for being drunk and high. But maybe it’s time you changed your circumstances so you don’t have to be.

Oh Stop It. Miley’s VMA Performance Was Nothing Like Britney’s.

MTV / YouTube
MTV / YouTube

Miley Cyrus took the stage at the VMAs on Sunday night and gave a performance that was so embarrassing, I was uncomfortable FOR her. (And since I soak in celebrity news, my bar for something like that is pretty damned high.)

But a little perspective, please. She’s not the first marginally talented star to humiliate herself in public and she won’t be the last. Everyone screaming about how Miley will be the downfall of Western civilization either has a super short memory or simply assigns too much power to half-naked little girls who desperately want someone to think they’re all grown up now.

And speaking of such … in the coverage I’ve read, more than one writer has name-checked Britney Spears and her smokin’ performance at the 2000 VMAs. And yeah, there are some similarities. Brit was almost 20, Miley’s 20. Both had to bust outta the Disney princess thing. And so on. But if you watch their respective performances, they are WORLDS apart.

Britney, for all the emotional problems that would follow, owned her on-stage sexuality. Possessed it. Attached strings to it and made it dance — and it danced its ASS off. Spears, like many pretty pop stars of the 2000sies, has limited vocal gifts. But who cares when she can move like that?

(Brief aside: I saw Janet Jackson during her Rhythm Nation tour in 1990 and was astonished how many people were disappointed she lip-synced some of the show. Dude. If you went to a Janet Jackson show for the vocals, YOU MISSED THE POINT.)

Miley, on the other hand, showed no such physical prowess on Sunday night. That wasn’t dancing. It wasn’t sexy. It was only meant to get attention. She might as well have just come out, flipped the audience off and pooped right there on stage. End result would’ve been roughly the same: shock and awe and half the talking heads on TV hysterically predicting the imminent arrival of the apocalypse.

Stop it already. What we saw was just a little girl who doesn’t know what sexy is because she doesn’t yet possess the nuance required to properly express it, so she did the most cliched shit possible — she wore very little, did a bunch of pelvic thrusts, and wiggled her ass in everyone’s faces. LOOK AT ME BEING SEXY. LOOK! I MADE IT SUPER OBVIOUS SO YOU WOULDN’T MISS IT.

Think about a toddler who plays dress-up with mommy’s clothes and shoes and make-up, clopping around the house in too-big high heels and smeared red lipstick. That’s what I saw when I watched Miley. (Except toddlers are often cute and don’t, you know, reek of desperation. Or try to be a race they aren’t.)

Anyway, watch Britney’s performance and then watch Miley’s. Pretty sure you’ll see what I’m saying.

http://youtu.be/L9veBQ2V70o

Sydney Leathers’ Porno Co-Star May Have Exposed Her to HIV

Vivid Entertainment
Vivid Entertainment

This week the San Fernando Valley went into panic mode after porn performer Cameron Bay tested positive for HIV, resulting in a huge industry-wide shitstorm. You may never have heard of this chick, but here’s why we’re talking about her: It turns out that the last scene she shot was with Xander Corvus, the guy who provided Anthony Weiner‘s weiner for Sydney Leather’s hardcore debut, Vivid’s “Weiner and Me.” (And the award for most uses of “weiner” in one sentence goes to …)

Continue reading Sydney Leathers’ Porno Co-Star May Have Exposed Her to HIV

Sydney Leathers Goes to Porno School, Makes a Sex Tape for Graduation

Vivid Entertainment
Vivid Entertainment

Sydney Leathers, the woman who rocketed to the D-list after it was revealed that New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner was sending her pictures of his little namesake, is officially a porn star.

Leathers released a tape in early August (understanding 15 minutes go by very fast, she didn’t waste time), but it was a boring solo video where she diddled herself on a couch or something Octo-mom style. Now, she’s stopped fucking around (or started?) and is opting for some hardcore penetration from the gentleman you see above, who’s making his sexiest face. (HE’S A PROFESSIONAL, PEOPLE.)

Lots of people criticize this decision, as they did when “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham made the same calculated choice. But really, when your skill set is picking out the right filter for pictures of your cooter or having babies out of wedlock … why not?

Plus, if you consider the fact that Sydney has already been moonlighting as a straight up prostitute, she’s basically doubled her income stream just by doing what she normally does. Score!

The XXX film, “Weiner and Me,” will be released under Vivid Entertainment’s “Vivid Celeb” imprint — putting Sydney among the questionable ranks of klassy ladies like Shauna Sand, Kim Kardashian, former professional wrestler Chyna Doll, and Tom Sizemore. (We’re sure that Sizemore tape is selling super well.)

Hopefully the title is subsequently changed to “Weiner and I,” because that’s going to keep us up nights.