The Jonas Brothers Dismantled their Twitter Account

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404: Inane Ramblings Not Found

Just over a week after the Jonas Brothers cancelled their upcoming tour because they couldn’t decide on one direction (see what we did there?) to take the band, the brothers have now shuttered their Twitter account.

None of the brothers have tweeted from their personal accounts since early October, leading people to speculate that something serious is up (drugs), and that the band may be done for good. Pretty cool, right?

So, how does this affect you? Well, if you’re a Twitter user, you’ll never have to see a #Jonas hashtag asking them to give a concert in Belize ever again. That right there is reason enough to throw a party.

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James Woods Wants You to Feel Bad About His Imaginary Blacklisting

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Ladies?

James Woods is a fine actor who’s been called one of the nicest guys in the industry. He’s also a conservative. So, naturally, he’s dedicated to completely filling his Twitter timeline with boring political garbage that nobody cares about instead of telling behind-the-scenes stories from the set of “Casino.”

And when a knowledgeable tweeter (probably a grammar instructor) asked if he was afraid of being ostracized by Hollywood, the exchange went like this:

Jimmy’s entitled to his opinion. Whatever. But to say he doesn’t expect to ever work again is just overly theatrical bullshit (even for an actor).

We’d like to point out that James is currently on Showtime’s “Ray Donovan” – a show that also stars Jon Voight. That’s two famous conservatives on a hit television show. Patricia Heaton and Bruce Willis seem to be getting steady work, too.

To top it all off, he also posted a quote about big government from Henry Ford who was, coincidentally, a vehement anti-semite. Way to not play into conservative stereotypes, Woodsey.

Let’s stick to reading lines other people wrote for you.

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Kanye Went on Kimmel Last Night, But Forgot to Wipe His Mouth First

Someone is SO fired for this
Someone is SO fired for this

A couple weeks ago, Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Kanye West, and because the words “self-deprecating” and “Kanye West” are like the opposite poles of a magnet, Kanye lost his shit on Twitter and called Kimmel everything but a white woman.

Fast forward to last night, when Kanye was a guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and Kimmel acted like a kid who was scared of the schoolyard bully taking his lunch money and Kanye said exactly what you’d imagine he’d say (KANYE GREAT, KANYE POWERFUL, KANYE SMASH). But he did it with a very noticeable piece of … well, something in the left corner of his mouth. Which made it really hard to pay attention to his words, but as it turns out, maybe that was his gift to us all. (Thank you, Baby Yeezus.)

Rich at Gawker summarized the last part of the sit-down thusly:

And then, toward the end of the interview (what interview?), Kanye unleashed [a rant that] went virtually uninterrupted for over eight minutes. His free verse freestyle included contemplation of his acceptance in the fashion world, an alternate pronunciation of his name (“Kanyé”), a reference to The Truman Show, a discussion of Michael Jackson having to fight to get on MTV, the question “Who do you know who’s known more for clothes than me?”, fashion-world name-dropping, the statement “I’m not into all that snobbery,” occasional usage of the royal we, and a justification of him comparing himself to Steve Jobs, Leonardo da Vinci, and Jesus Christ, as well as musings on classism, Paula Deen, getting spoofed, making awesome stuff, self-esteem, $4,000 phones, and paparazzi. To that crop: “It’s not safe for you in this zoo. Don’t ever think that I’m not from Chicago.”

Cool story, bro. Continue reading Kanye Went on Kimmel Last Night, But Forgot to Wipe His Mouth First

Chris Brown Is Still a Massive Douche

It's okay. They're medicinal.
It’s okay. They’re medicinal.

Chris Brown (he’s not just the president of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club, he’s also a member!) gave an interview to the UK’s The Guardian recently, and if you already thought he was an entitled douchenozzle, this did little to change those perceptions.

Journalist Decca Aitkenhead writes that upon his arrival, “Brown keeps his shades on, makes no eye contact and addresses his words to the [recorder] in front of us, though less due to rudeness, I think, than the elaborate protocol of cool.”

She goes on:

Before long, I begin to suspect he’s actually just bored. He’s talking about his album, but making no sense, so I suggest we pretend I’ve just landed from Mars and know nothing about him. Here is a clean slate: his chance to define himself, to explain from scratch who he is and what he does. What would he say? As if registering my presence for the first time, he pauses, almost glances across, smiles – “That’s a good question” – and considers it carefully in silence.

“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”

Were it not for what he refers to as “the incident with Rihanna,” he would now be “bigger than life. Yeah.” He can’t think of anything he’s bad at, apart from “just being able to relax and sleep.”

“Walking art piece”? Well, he got the “walking” and the “piece” right.

Decca continues:

A lot of the time, his answers bear little, if any, relation to my questions. Or perhaps he’s decided on two central points he wants to make, and figures everything else is irrelevant. The first point he makes several times is that his new album will appeal to everyone; the second is that he is a changed man who’s grown up and calmed down. Unfortunately he’s at his least coherent when discussing the former, and at his most contradictory on the latter. By the time I leave, all I can say with certainty is that Brown is a stranger to the concepts of modesty and consistency.

Sounds about right.

This past weekend, much was made of a passage in which Brown describes losing his virginity at the age of 8 to a girl who was “14 or 15.”

Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”

Whether you find this to be eye-rolling braggadocio or the incredibly sad tale of a childhood rape victim depends solely on your interpretation of it. (Commenters on Jezebel, for example, basically grabbed pitchforks and torches and stormed the castle when writer Doug Barry gave the statement a side-eye.)

Regardless, it does call into question where the hell his batshit crazy mother was during all this. Maybe this is just part of what she thinks makes him “God’s anointed.”

Anyway, after a history of Brown’s career thus far is covered, the “Rihanna incident,” as he calls it, is addressed. There’s a lot here of him whining about how hard community service is (“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there”) and how hard it is to be him because he’s just so misunderstood and how he’s totally a changed man now and blah blah blah.

Then Decca asks him about that tat on his neck — the one that looks more than a little like police photos of Rihanna taken just after he’d beaten the snot out of her.

He has always disputed the resemblance, insisting it’s just a “random woman,” so I ask if he’d realised it would be misconstrued and cause so much fuss.

“I really don’t care. A tattoo’s a tattoo; it’s my body, my skin.”

Suddenly he is sulky and petulant. “My favourite line is, ‘Fuck you.’ I like giving the world a big fuck you. Every tattoo I have is a big fuck you. So it’s just, like, this is just me, and I’m the guy who’s going to be just the same guy at all times.”

But he’s totally changed, you guys. Don’t forget he’s totally changed.

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Roseanne Barr Seems To Be Doing Well, Too

Twitter
Twitter

Meltdowns are all the rage in Hollywood right now, and there was no way in hell Roseanne Barr was going to miss that train. So when “Two and  a Half Men” aired a joke similar to hers, she leapt at the opportunity, chewing out both Ashton Kutcher and showrunner Chuck Lorre via Twitter.

Continue reading Roseanne Barr Seems To Be Doing Well, Too

Billy Zane Blames ‘Breaking Bad’ for the Government Shutdown. Naturally.

This looks sane.
This looks sane.

Billy Zane is a pretty astute arbiter of problems. Look how well he handled Rose cheating on him in “Titanic” — he ran around shooting a gun without aiming it.

So when it comes to the partial government shutdown, it’s only natural that he has the whole thing figured out. And he does. He explained everything on his Twitter account, pointing the finger at “Breaking Bad” in a completely rational and not-at-all-batshit-crazy kind of way.

Of course! Why didn’t we think of this before? Government is inefficient because of Walter White, a fictional television anti-hero.  At least we think that’s what he’s saying. It sort of sounds like he was just opening books and selecting words at random (not a bad way to compose tweets or explain breaking news).

Look, we’ll do it right now:

Billy Zane? Hilly Plain! Walter White? Potato fight! This happens Canada if public drinks meth instead of goats. Gravitas.

Totally works.

But Mr. Zane may have a point here. Maybe House Republicans are a bunch of useless snakes because they see no reason to keep working now that “Breaking Bad” is off the air. They have no reason to do anything, really.

Maybe this was show creator Vince Gilligan‘s plan all along: to lull America into a daze and then end his series, only to stage a takeover of the government after we’re all bored on Sunday nights. It all makes sense.

America, bow before the face of your new overlord. Billy Zane would not lie.

THE FACE OF EVIL
THE FACE OF EVIL

If Jimmy Kimmel Winds Up Dead, Here’s Your Prime Suspect

http://youtu.be/It05EvqFD6s

Because there’s little more delightful than two famous rich guys having a public slapfight, we present to you “Kanye vs. Kimmel: The Reckoning.”

Earlier this week, Jimmy Kimmel spoofed a BBC interview Kanye West did by having a child spout off the ridiculous things he said. It took West a day or so to see the video, but when he did, he fired up Twitter, hit his caps-lock key, and got busy. Super busy. Nuclear busy. YEEZUS CHRIST CALM DOWN ALREADY busy.

The rant that followed (since deleted) was so over-the-top and profane and utterly comical that it’s no wonder a lot of people thought the whole thing had to be a joke. But in the video above from Thursday night, you’ll see Kimmel saying the beef is legit.

It’s so nice when fatherhood shows a man what really matters, isn’t it?

Jaden Smith Don’t Need No Book Learnin’

Instagram
Instagram

Aside from starring in this year’s widely-panned “After Earth” and the abysmal “Karate Kid” remake you’d already forgotten about (you’re welcome), we’re not really sure what Jaden Smith really does besides hang out with Justin Bieber, pretend to date Kylie Jenner and run around telling people “Will Smith‘s my dad!”

But it turns out he’s actually a philosopher who enjoys dropping knowledge on his millions of Twitter followers — because last week, he took to social media to deliver a message to the countless (already dumb) children who follow him:

Jaden has attended school, though. And not just any school — he went to the now-defunct New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas, which was founded in part by his parents and whose curriculum was largely influenced by Scientology.

What else did they teach? Probably not spelling.

Jaden Smith doesn’t need your filthy public school system filling his head with conspiracy theories like “chemistry” or “mathematics” (Integers and Illuminati both start with an “I”). Either way, it’s easier to drop out of school when your parents are successful actors. And he’s still young.

How old is Jaden, anyway? Better yet, how old is his little sister Willow?

Oh, thanks, Jaden…….we think? Good thing she’s not some dumb infant.

Er, brilliant infant?

Anyway. It’s good to know that Jaden is spending his time on what’s important instead of wasting time with losers. He’s like a tiny, untalented Aristotle.

Hit us with another nugget of truth, Jaden.

There’s no arguing with that.

 

Donald Trump Never Takes a Day Off From Being a Douche

Donald Trump
Facebook

Today is, of course, the 12-year anniversary of the terrible attacks of September 11, 2001, when 2,977 people lost their lives. New Yorkers felt this pain and horror more than most, and consequently, tend to handle the situation with a bit more tact and couth.

Unless, of course, they’re Donald Trump, who fired off the following tweet first thing this morning:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/377753834954981376

It’s hard to pinpoint everything that’s wrong with this, but we’ll begin with the fact that he used a day of national tragedy to specifically address “haters and losers.” What, exactly, makes a hater or a loser? Terrorists probably hate Donald Trump. We’d say they’re losers, too. Did Donald Trump just give Al Qaeda his “best wishes”? Sounds like it.

Then he calls it a “special date.” What the hell does that mean? Birthdays are special dates. Wedding anniversaries. Shit, even dinner at Hooters on a Wednesday. All these things are more “special” than a day when countless lives were needlessly taken and the entire nation was shaken.

Yeah, the United States recovered. But this is a day we like to remember the heroism that rose from the ashes of Ground Zero. That’s what today’s for. Not for calling out people who hate you. (Protip, Donald: It’s the majority.)

So … Donald Trump gave glad tidings to haters and losers (don’t forget, terrorists qualify!) before calling 9/11 a “special date.”

Stop tweeting support for the enemy, sir.

Anthony Weiner Loses Big, Flashes the Least Offensive Thing He Has

Unsurprisingly, Anthony Weiner will not be the Democratic mayoral candidate for New York City. He officially conceded on Tuesday night, but since he came in fifth place, he really didn’t have to bother.

And as he exited his “victory” party (thanks for classing the joint up, Sydney Leathers!), he bid a fond farewell to his friends in the media.

It’s a bird! It’s a pla—-no, it’s just a bird.

https://twitter.com/LindseyChrist/status/377652982491648000/

Eh, big deal. Look, if Anthony Weiner’s going to flash something at you, better a finger than anything else.

My question is, how many dick pics do you suppose he sent out last night? I mean, you have to assume the only thing stopping him from REALLY going wild was the mayoral race, and now that that’s over, I’m betting a whole bunch of people got Carlos Danger’ed last night.

So if you see a cell phone this morning stinking of gin and doing a walk of shame, spare it a kind word. You have no idea what it’s been through.