The New ‘Bachelor’ Thinks Gays Are Too ‘Pervert’ To Be On the Show

How do you say "shut up, dumbass" in Spanish?
How do you say “shut up, dumbass” in Spanish?

Hot on the racist, homophobic heels of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson, we now have Juan Pablo Galavis — the first Latino star of ABC’s embarrassing “The Bachelor” franchise — learning the hard way that he doesn’t have to express all the feelings in his pretty little head.

Asked by The TV Page what he thought about having a season of “The Bachelor” featuring an openly gay or bisexual lead, the Venezuelan-born Galavis responded in part:

I don’t think it is a good idea for kids to watch that on TV …

Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up … Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed … It is confusing in a sense.

But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.

I have a lot of friends like that, but they’re more pervert in a sense. To me, the show would be too strong, too hard to watch on TV.

Oh. Oh, I see. So a show that depicts a couple dozen women sacrificing what little self-respect they have to win his affections is totally family viewing. But gay men are pervs so HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE. Got it.

It didn’t take long for the suits at ABC to laugh nervously and issue a statement saying, “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive, and in no way reflect the views of the network, the show’s producers or studio.”

Not long after, Juan himself took to his Facebook page with this:

I know English is Juan’s second language and all but, uh, that’s some bullshit right there.

He’s the second quasi-celebrity in the past few days to pull this whole “I know gays, I love gays — I just think they’re immoral” routine. (Sherri Shepherd took a break from pondering whether the earth is round or flat to chime in, too.)

No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put a foot on both sides of this line. It’s condescending and patronizing and (pardon the ironic phrasing) a total dick move.

You either treat gay people as your equal — or you don’t. Take a stand and stay there. It makes it easier for the rest of us to know whose opinions to ignore.

There’s A Religion Based on Kanye West And Now We Have To Break Something

It’s a well established fact that Kanye West has believed he is a deity (douchity?) for some time. Now some asshole has validated him by creating Yeezianity – a new religion that professes Kanye is a messenger from god. It’s just what we need.

This is, unfortunately, a real group “who believes that the one who calls himself Yeezus is a divine being who has been sent by God to usher in a New Age of humanity.” Seriously.

The founder of the pseudo-religion – who wishes to remain anonymous – gave an interview with Noisey and explained himself, claiming he was serious but spouting such inane bullshit that anyone with a vague grasp of who Kanye West is wouldn’t be able to believe him:

“First of all, he is the most honest person in our culture. He has the highest moral standards and highest integrity. He is the most creative person. And as it’s typical with creative people, he gets a lot of flack from the lower minded masses. It’s not even that they don’t like him, it’s that they don’t know what he’s doing because the press gives it this negative spin all the time. And now it’s people feed on it so it’s this constant negative trance. But, like, College Dropout is probably still my favorite album of all-time.”

Hear that? Kanye has the highest moral standards. He’s also the most creative. (Somewhere, Lady Gaga is hanging up a hat made of catheter tubes and weeping.)

The religion has 5 pillars, which is a complete rip off of Islam (which ripped off Christianity, which ripped off the Torah). You’d think a religion devoted to creativity would try harder. Regardless, they are as follows:

1. All things created must be for the good of all
2. No human being’s right to express themselves must ever be repressed
3. Money is unnecessary except as a means of exchange
4. Man possesses the power to create everything he wants and needs
5. All human suffering exists to stimulate the creative powers of Man

Sounds pretty good, right? It also sounds like vague platitudes that Phillip Seymour Hoffman might spit out in a blooper reel for “The Master.” Not the mention that we’ve never seen Kanye West disown any money.

Other pillars that should be considered include:

1. Thou shalt have your body guards beat the shit out of people for minor inconveniences


2. Thou shalt wear a mask to protect thine heavenly artistic integrity

Yezianity is pretty much all set to start a new crusade – kicking photographers in the balls and setting up shrines to Dat Azzz® everywhere. Now we just have to wait for Richard Dawkins to run into a member of the church on the street for an impromptu debate.



Shia LaBeouf Is None Too Pleased With Jim Carrey Right Now

"Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" *Plays "Even Stevens" reruns*
“Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” *Plays “Even Stevens” reruns*

Last night, while presenting at the Golden Globes, Jim Carrey took the stage to announce the winner of Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy. He opened this by reciting a famous quote – “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard,” – but then added this addendum: “I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise.”

This, of course, was a reference to Shia’s recent plagiarism “Shia bein Shia” flap, wherein he blatantly copied a short film, and then apologized by plagiarizing several different apologies. But Shia was watching (he has eyes everywhere) and probably began firing off a whole bunch of “No, no no no no’s” in his head. Soon after Carrey’s quip, the “Transformers” star sent this tweet:

Pretty artsy, right? Jim Carrey = Schrodinger’s comedian.

But LaDouche wasn’t done, responding to an E! online tweet and confirming that he definitely Twitter searches himself (but we already knew that):

And even though his grammar and syntax are IMPECCABLE, he forgot to check his facts. Jim Carrey has not abandoned daughter Jane Carrey. In fact, they seem to be pretty tight. And Shia must have someone in his corner looking out for him, because eventually he saw the error of his tweets, ways and being:

(It should also be noted that Jane Carrey is now the one and only person Shia follows on Twitter.)

Meanwhile, Jim Carrey hasn’t said a goddamn word, which is smart – but also odd, considering he has a track record of saying strange things via Twitter.

Hopefully this isn’t all bad. At the very least, we hope they can make up and Shia can come out of faux retirement for a cameo in “Dumb and Dumber Too.” Possibly one that involves being kicked in the balls, since he’s such a method actor.

And never forget:

Michael Bay No Like Talky Noise Making

The Consumer Electronics Show is a wealth of knowledge concerning upcoming innovations in technology. There are several people who would be suited for speaking to these topics, but Samsung, brilliantly, decided to go with destroyer of childhood dreams director Michael Bay. Predictably, it exploded in their faces.

Bay took the stage to plug Samsung’s new television — a 105-inch set that is curved to provide a more immersive viewing experience. After asking how everyone in the audience was doing (how kind?), he said: “My job, as a director, is I get to dream for a living” — completely bypassing scripted lines for Joe Stinziano, Samsung’s Executive Vice President.

Stinziano tried to recover, asking the director what inspired him. Bay began talking about how Hollywood creates a “viewer escape.” As he did, the teleprompter people scrambled to play catch-up due to his complete lack of ability to read lines off a screen, and Bay lost his place. He didn’t know how to describe what he does.

‘Ungh,” he groaned, neurotically swaying on his toes like Rain Man. “The type is all off. Sorry.”

Then an epiphany: Bay said he would “just wing” it. WHen Stinziano tried to prod him in the right direction, Bay took a look at the massive television and said nothing.

“The curve?” Stinziano pushed, motioning to the set. “How do you think it’s going to impact how people experience your movies?”

It was at this point that Bay apologized and excused himself, exiting the stage (not pursued by a bear) and leaving Mr. Stinziano to go it alone. He apologized to the audience and continued with the presentation.

Later, Bay took to his blog (where he once claimed to have been attacked by zombies) to explain himself, writing:

Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.

And if you’ve watched the video, you clearly saw a man excited to talk. What the teleprompter going “up and down” means? Not sure. Why he can’t articulate how his job involves telling dudes to hose down Megan Fox and detonate explosions? Not sure, either.

Either way, the moral of the story here is don’t invite Michael Bay to do anything for you except yell “action!” or maybe judge an amateur stripping competition. (And definitely don’t ask him anything about fine cinema.)

Ignorant Redneck Phil Robertson Will Return to Your Televisions Shortly

Douche Dynasty
Douche Dynasty

Phil Robertsontransient hobo star of A&E’s somehow-hit show “Duck Dynasty,” will be allowed back onto the show after all those slack-jawed acquaintances you went to high school with petitioned on Facebook for his reinstatement.

This all began after Robertson spouted off about how gay people are bad and vaginas are, you know, totally cooler than butts. He followed this up with some delightfully tasteful comments about how black people were just peachy before that pesky “civil rights” thing came about. A&E promptly suspended him, and the outcry began.

Robertson became an unwashed hero to the unwashed masses. Thousands of angry, uneducated simpletons bombarded the network with (most likely) terribly misspelled letters claiming that this was a “free speech issue.” There is, of course, no free speech in corporate America. You have the right to bigoted, hateful speech, but you don’t have a right to keep your job while spewing it.

Regardless, Mr. Robertson — not to be confused with that other bigoted idiot, Pat  Robertson — is coming back to television. The good news is you don’t have to watch it. You can just kick back with an issue of The New Yorker and pity people who do. Sort of like we do with “Honey Boo Boo” and “Hannity.”

We may be going to hell, but whatever’s down there can’t be worse than watching 45 minutes of the Robertson family “stroking their beards” — if you know what we mean, and we think you do — and thumping bibles.

You Will Now Watch Tila Tequila Have (Bigoted) Sex

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.
This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

When erstwhile reality star Tila Tequila began ranting about how she believes Hitler did nothing wrong, it wasn’t difficult to read between the lines and figure out something else was coming. If that was your inclination, you were right, because Operation Shock and Disgust has ultimately lead up to the release of a brand new Tila sex tape (that you will grudgingly watch but not admit to).

TMZ reports Tila’s taking a page from the Farrah Abraham book of tricks and releasing a “very hardcore” sex tape. Unlike her previous tape, featuring a gaggle of vapid women, this one features a dude.

Meanwhile, she’s doubled down on Facebook posts about how the Jews, the New World Order and the Illuminati are out to attack her massive, uninformed  breasts. Here is one such post:


And honestly, who doesn’t want to see god’s messenger get nailed in an abandoned house in the San Fernando Valley?

Tune in next week when we run a DNA test on the dude she bones in the sex tape and discover he’s a secret Jewish ninja trying to stop her from giving up the secrets of International Banking. With his penis.

Miley Cyrus Sticks Her Tongue Out All the Time Because She’s Shy. Okay.

Stop looking. You're embarrassing her.
Stop looking. You’re embarrassing her.

Miley Cyrus, inexplicably chosen by Barbara Walters as one of 2013’s “Most Fascinating People” even though attentionwhores are pathetic and not fascinating at all, finally revealed why her tongue has spent much of this year taking suicide leaps out of her mouth.

“I get embarrassed to take pictures. That’s actually the truth,” Cyrus told Walters. “I’m so embarrassed, because people are taking pictures of me, and I just don’t know how to– I don’t know how to smile, and just be awkward, so I stick my tongue out, because I don’t know what else to do.”

The struggle, you guys. THE STRUGGLE.

She’s bashful! This explains everything — the gynecological photoshoots, the naked videos, the porny pumpkins. Oh, and especially the way she said “happy holidays” to her Twitter followers:

She only did all that because she was embarrassed. Not because she wants you to look at her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Not that at all. Miley’s too much of a shrinking violet for that.

And now you know just how stupid she thinks you are.

Suzanne Somers Is Your New Go-To Policy Advisor on Obamacare

Chrissy Snow cares not for facts
Chrissy Snow cares not for facts

Suzanne Somers — who made a name for herself going braless on “Three’s Company” and shilling sophisticated merchandise like the ThighMaster — has opinions. Many opinions. And when she isn’t curing cancer, she’s opening her mouth and letting them fall out.

In a self-penned Wall Street Journal article subtly titled “The Affordable Care Act Is a Socialist Ponzi Scheme,” Somers says her husband is Canadian so of course that makes her an expert on the Canadian nationalized health care system.

She rattles off a couple personal anecdotes (HORSES GET BETTER HEALTH CARE THAN PEOPLE DO IN CANADA, YOU GUYS) and engages in some cliched fear-mongering and misinformation before musing:

And then there is another consideration: It’s the dark underbelly of the Affordable Care Act reminiscent of what Lenin and Churchill both said. Lenin: “Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist state.” Churchill: “Control your citizens’ health care and you control your citizens.”

Except, uh, neither Lenin nor Churchill said that shit. As The Atlantic points out:

Churchill wasn’t a huge fan of Britain’s health system in his later years, but he helped set it up. There’s no record that he said anything about its being a tool for control. And that Lenin quote? Made up.

What is this world coming to when you can’t even rely on washed-up sitcom stars for medical advice anymore?

Jesus. We’re so distraught we had to watch Kristen Wiig doing a dramatic reading from “Touch Me: The Poems of Suzanne Somers” just to cheer ourselves up. (You? Are welcome.)

Donald Trump to Edward Snowden: NO BOOBIES FOR YOU

Today in LOLWUT, the bewigged, bewitched and bewildered Donald Trump lowered the boom on the exiled Edward Snowden:

Reached for comment from his undisclosed Russian location, Snowden sighed and didn’t say, “Well, shit. There goes my Saturday night … I guess I’ll just have to stay in hiding instead of going out to ogle and objectify women.”

“Also, could Donald Trump BE more of a shameless attentionwhore? For chrissakes. And they said I brought shame to America.”