By now you’ve heard the story already — Justin Bieber was in Miami going way too fast in his yellow Lambo while drunk, and karmic justice was finally all OH MY GOD THIS DOUCHE I CAN’T ANYMORE and so now he’s been arrested.
Last night’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was the famewhore fam’s Christmas episode — filmed several months ago because reality shows aren’t scripted at all — and the unveiling of its annual holiday card. Typically they use a group photo where everyone is dressed up and airbrushed to plasticine perfection, but this Christmas they apparently thought they’d try something different. Like, you know, ignoring Christmas altogether.
Employing the debatable gifts of “fine-art photographer” (Wikipedia said it so it must be true) David LaChapelle, the shot is a weird, post-apocalyptic mess that has so many Easter eggs, lots of people are wondering if the Kardashians were punked.
1. That’s Kim Kardashian on the far left, in a clear place of prominence — with a giant dollar sign beside her. As in, “here’s the family cash cow.” (Also, all this photoshopping and they couldn’t pretty up her stubby little man hands?)
2. This part of the shot (spotlighting Kylie and Kendall Jenner) has all sorts of notable shit. For starters, notice Kylie’s bitchface. Yeah, that’s pretty much how she always looks, but it’s worse than usual here. It’s like she just realized she can’t get her drink on when this is over.
3. Oh, look, there’s Bruce Jenner on a Wheaties box before Kris Jenner castrated him and melted down his face for parts!
4. The pyramid and the eye? Either an homage to the almighty dollar, or all those Illuminati conspiracists just got the BEST PRESENT EVAR.
5. Both sisters are standing on a big pile of tabloids with at least one Kardashian or Jenner on the cover (and without which they could not maintain their fame), but look at the one on top, right in the middle. There’s Kanye West on his Kanye-as-Jesus Rolling Stone cover — another photo not-so-coincidentally shot by David LaChapelle.
6. Finally, in the last close-up of the “Christmas” card below, there’s everyone else. Well, other than the ones with Y chromosomes. Except for Bruce Jenner, who was the only guy in the family who pouted when LaChapelle said he didn’t want anyone with a peen in the shot. So he’s trapped in some sort of airless pneumatic tube while he gazes out at the man he used to be.
7. Kris Jenner, meanwhile, happily sits on the counter of a cashier booth — since really, selling everyone out and then counting the money IS her job. (Several sites have said the “cashier” sign is part of Bruce’s shot, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s really attached to Kris’ booth and just visible through the glass of his tube.)
8. We see Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with the next generation, Mason and Penelope Disick (and Mason looking thoroughly and hilariously over it) — so where’s Yeezus progeny North? Possibly on the upper left, wearing a halo under the neon sign that reads “coming soon.”
9. Random bits and pieces: The word “fame” scrawled below Kim and above Kris (who also has “money” scribbled next to her right hand), the ATM sign over Kourtney’s shoulder, the apparent chick-with-a-dick under Kylie’s elbow, and all the TV screens next to Khloe and Kourtney.
Happy Dystopian Holidays from the Kardashian-Jenners!
Tomorrow, Thanksgiving will be upon us. It’s a time to get together and reflect on what’s important to us — to catch up with family and enjoy each other. It’s a time to wonder whether you actually just saw Uncle Bill drool into the bowl of mashed potatoes.
In the spirit of the season, we’ve compiled a list of 5 films that capture the feel of Thanksgiving. So gather ’round the television and bask in the togetherness.
5. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
This one has the simplest of plots: a man is trying to get back home to his family for Thanksgiving and is beset by comedy pitfalls every step of the way. John Hughes crafted a poignant and funny movie, and for many people, this is the best Thanksgiving film ever. But they aren’t on our level.
4. Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
Honestly, we don’t remember anything about this movie except that large portions of it involved grotesquely obese people eating food. No, inhaling food. It’s also completely intolerable and makes you question your entire life. It’s the perfect embodiment of the holiday, and it will remind everyone how disgusting they are. Beautiful.
3. Sophie’s Choice
We’ve all been there. You sit down at a dinner table and your grandmother asks how things are going at the bible college. Do you explain to her that you are now an atheist and have dropped out of bible college to fulfill your dream of being a porn fluffer? Or do you just say everything’s fine?
Maybe Grandma Sophie brings up how Obama is a secret Muslim. Do you spend time tediously correcting mistakes and alienating everyone, or do you sit tight and grab another spoonful of cranberries?
This movie gets Thanksgiving.
2. Dawn of the Dead
Here is a film that, despite its age, unabashedly echoes the sentiments of Black Friday shoppers: shuffling around malls, banging on glass storefronts and tramping on each other to get in. That’s what it’s all about, right? This is America, and we’re thankful for big screen televisions, and we will beat someone to death with a blender to get at one.
Coincidentally, the creatures in this film also gorge themselves on human flesh. They openly feast on intestines and look glassy-eyed at new clothing. Between the shopping and the eating, this is in some ways the greatest Thanksgiving film of all time.
1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
At the end of the day, Thanksgiving is really about family. Whether you enjoy being around them of not, that’s what it’s about. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is also about family. Sure, it’s a family that builds lampshades out of human bones and skin and keeps people on meathooks. But it’s a family nonetheless.
They sit down and eat meals like everyone else, and they also get mad at each other like everyone else. And they engage in family activities to grow their bonds. That’s a beautiful thing.
Well, kids, it’s about that time. In a few hours the curtain will close on “Breaking Bad,” and we will collectively spend our Sundays weeping in dark rooms and drinking the pain away. But the question remains: how will the show wrap up? Will it be disappointing? Satisfying? Bizarre?
Grumpy Cat, our favorite feline who remains not at all entertained, has just reached the pinnacle achievement of stardom. No, she didn’t show up in a skeevy, badly-lit sex tape — the adorably frowny faced ball of fur (whose real name is Tardar Sauce) got an endorsement deal with Friskies.
But we feel the need to warn her: Endorsements can be tricky. Even if you have nine lives, a single wrong step can cost your one chance at the big bucks. Here are just a few ways Grumpy Cat could screw up her new Friskies payday if she doesn’t check herself.