Mark Wahlberg Graduates High School, Continues to Be Famous

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

Mark Wahlberg, the 42-year-old star of this summer’s “Pain and Gain,” finally completed his high school education — just like the guy who served you your Egg McMuffin this morning.

Mark never graduated high school as a teenager because he was too busy rapping shirtless and exposing the world to his third nipple. Also, teachers refused to call him Marky Mark. It’s haunted him ever since (like “The Happening”‘s box office receipts), so he began taking online classes to get his diploma and prove his intellectual prowess.

Now that he’s graduated, he’s going to take on the world by continuing to do exactly what he’s been doing. Because, you know, he’s a famous movie star and all. But he could probably go get a manager position at Wal-mart or something, too. It probably just depends how many people see “Ted 2.”

Regardless, don’t let Jaden Smith get wind of this.

Paula Deen Is Suddenly Risk-Averse

On Saturday, Paula Deen stopped by the Metro Cooking and Entertaining Show in Houston to make her first public appearance since her racism scandals broke a few months ago. And when she stepped on stage, she was met with applause and roars of support from the assembled crowd of about 1,400 people (some of whom paid up to $400 to watch her deep-fry butter).

Deen was moved to tears by the response, and said that she had always planned on making her return in Texas. Which, if I were from there, I would find a bit insulting.

“I’ve said all along that [this is] the one place I’d want to make my first step back out,” she blubbered (causing Austin to reply, Jesus, lady, leave us outta this). “Y’all’s hearts are as big as your state.”

Whatever. But really, where did we expect her to show up? Harlem?

Get a standing O there and I’ll be impressed, Paula.

Don’t Worry, ‘Breaking Bad’ Fans – You Can Still Call Saul

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AMC has officially announced a spin-off of the hit series “Breaking Bad” titled “Better Call Saul,” starring Bob Odenkirk. Which is good news, but I was really hoping the “Breaking Bad” spin-off series would be “Jesse Pinkman and Puppies Hug for an Hour.” (The catchphrase could be, “Let’s hug, bitches!”)

This announcement gives Saul Goodman the chance to become the Frasier Crane of meth-themed shows. Only instead of being a psychiatrist who hosts a radio program, he helps meth lords launder their money and isn’t charming or sophisticated — he’s sleazy and opportunistic. (But according to Camille Grammer, Frasier’s like that, too.)

The new show will be a prequel to “Breaking Bad,” which is a bad omen for Saul’s chances in the final few episodes. He could stlll survive, though! It’s unclear!

(I promise I didn’t spoil “Breaking Bad.” Please don’t murder me. All I know is that if Huell dies, heads will roll.)

“Breaking Bad”‘s final episode is set to air Sept. 29, at which point AMC will go off the air (for all we know) until “The Walking Dead” returns. No date has been set for the premiere of “Better Call Saul” — but I can’t wait for Chris Hardwick’s follow-up show, “Better Call Chris Hardwick and Talk About Saul.”

Anthony Weiner Loses Big, Flashes the Least Offensive Thing He Has

Unsurprisingly, Anthony Weiner will not be the Democratic mayoral candidate for New York City. He officially conceded on Tuesday night, but since he came in fifth place, he really didn’t have to bother.

And as he exited his “victory” party (thanks for classing the joint up, Sydney Leathers!), he bid a fond farewell to his friends in the media.

It’s a bird! It’s a pla—-no, it’s just a bird.

https://twitter.com/LindseyChrist/status/377652982491648000/

Eh, big deal. Look, if Anthony Weiner’s going to flash something at you, better a finger than anything else.

My question is, how many dick pics do you suppose he sent out last night? I mean, you have to assume the only thing stopping him from REALLY going wild was the mayoral race, and now that that’s over, I’m betting a whole bunch of people got Carlos Danger’ed last night.

So if you see a cell phone this morning stinking of gin and doing a walk of shame, spare it a kind word. You have no idea what it’s been through.

You’re 28 and On Your Second Marriage, Avril. Welcome to Adulthood.

Epic Records
Epic Records

Big news, you guys: The track listing for Avril Lavigne’s new album has been revealed!

Well, okay, maybe “revealed” is too strong a word. That implies it was being kept secret and people were trying to get this information. Better phrasing might be, “The track listing for Avril Lavigne’s album was said out loud by a person in an official tone of voice.”

Anyway, the self-titled album features a duet with her Sk8ter Boi, Chad Kroger — who is, of course, Nickelback’s lead singer and Avril’s new husband. (I know the Sk8ter Boi thing was a cheap joke, but that’s all Chad Kroger really deserves. It’s hard making fun of someone so simple.)

The duet is called “Let Me Go,” at least for now until it’s inevitably changed to “L3t M3 G0” or something equally as obnoxious. It’s the track that’ll get the most attention, but because Avril Lavigne isn’t at the level of Nicki Minaj or Katy Perry where she can just release one song and call it a new album, there are others.

One is titled “Here’s to Never Growing Up,” and another is “17.” Then there’s “Bitchin’ Summer” and “Hello Kitty.” So, yeah. Seems like Avril’s really pushing the boundaries with this release.

Look, Avril Lavigne is 28 years old. She’s been married twice. I don’t know if anyone’s broken this to her, but she’s a grownup. Once you get divorced, it’s time to give up the whole “rebellious teen” thing.

I was never a teenage girl (I know, right?), but I can’t imagine many of them are sitting around dreaming of the day they get RE-married. After sticking it to the man and signing those divorce papers ridding themselves of that first loser they picked, of course.

Avril is at the age and point in life where she really should have song titles like maybe “Biological Clock” or “Alimony” or “Prenups Are Stronger Than Love.”  But see, that’s the problem with having a persona stronger than the art — at some point people outgrow the persona.

What I’m saying is Avril Lavigne the person can’t grow up because Avril Lavigne the brand won’t allow it. It’s the same thing that happened to bands like Poison and Mötley Crüe — they got old, and now they’re just sad old men trying to pretend they still party.

Don’t become a sad old man, Avril.

Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ Proves the Music Industry Is Now Eating Its Own Tail

YouTube
YouTube

I admit that as a 28-year-old man, I’m not really in Katy Perry‘s target demographic. But teenage girls love her, as do creepy guys who don’t realize they can just watch actual porn. She’s like … bubble gum porn.

Even still, I haven’t been able to avoid the press machine for her upcoming album, “Prism.” Which is being promoted by the release of the music video for the song “Roar.” Which was promoted by a lyric video and several preview videos. Even the song itself was heavily previewed, with several publicity videos created before the premiere of the song — which just ended up being leaked early anyway.

The frustrating thing about all this is that the music industry is at the point now where they’re promoting the promotions. Singles and music videos are essentially meant to be commercials for the album — so a preview for a single is essentially a preview of a commercial, as it were.

To me, that just shows the state of the industry. They’re not promoting the release of an album anymore, because that doesn’t seem to be the big cash draw now. They just want Katy Perry to stay a celebrity so they can make money off of her. And her boobs. (I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but she has big boobs.)

Even “Roar” is just a recycled Sara Bareilles track. It really is the same song, only sung by somebody who dresses like a stripper — allowing little girls to feel empowered by the lyrics and creepy guys to do the things they do.

And that’s the problem with celebrity: People care more about the spectacle than the product. Katy Perry fans don’t care that the song is LITERALLY something that’s already been done — because they don’t care about the song.

Which begs the question … why bother even making music at all?