As you may have noticed, we’ve been MIA for a while as we traveled to Sochi and personally delivered Bob Costas some eye patches signed by ’70s-era David Bowie. During that period, we let some things slide. Here’s a recap of everything pertinent.
The internet went wild after a story surfaced claiming Justin Bieber made a scene at Starbucks after being denied the precious elixir of life – a carmel apple macchiato – because he was (of course) shirtless. Then NBA star Blake Griffin, who was conveniently seated nearby, supposedly smacked the snot out of him. Alas, it wasn’t true.
In news you probably already surmised, Ellen Page bravely came out in a beautiful speech at the Human Rights Campaign conference.
In an attempt to shoehorn in on Ellen’s moment, Shia LaDouche plagiarized her speech at a rally in front of LA’s ACLU home base, explaining to the crowd he’s a lesbian. This is all part of Shia’s continuing campaign to paint himself as a complete dick while vehemently apologizing for ruining the Indiana Jones franchise, and pretty much every other project he’s brought into the world while maintaining he’s not famous anymore. We wish he weren’t.
After a two-month stint as a brunette, Courtney Stodden is blonde again.
Lindsay Lohan responded via her lawyer to a Fox News story claiming she did coke with her mom Dina (during a segment about celebrities who have overdosed). Mark Heller, her screwball lawyer, said it was an attempt to imply she too would overdose. We suspect plenty of people have made that call without Fox News.
Whisper, a creepy app for you to anonymously explain that you accidentally forgot to feed your neighbor’s dog while they were on vacation, says G.P. is cheating on hubby Chris Martin. With something other than a sex toy made from hardened kale.
After consulting with the faeries, Tori Amos is finally releasing a new album and going on tour once more. Here’s the fierce cover art.
After pretending her first porn video was a “private, leaked tape,” she went ahead and shot another one. She then claimed that it was comprised of unused footage from the first tape and is super devastated about it. But she’s still calling Vivid to get at those residuals.
Thrice-married Charlie, 48, put a ring on girlfriend Brett Rossi — a 24-year-old porn star. What could possibly go wrong.
She’s been gallivanting around with a diamond ring on that all-important finger but acting like it’s no big, which either means she’s trolling everyone harder than the billygoats’ gruff or she’s just not ready to talk about it. (Insider tip: Look for her to suddenly be ready to talk about it once chatter about the ring dies down.)
Simon’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman gave birth to son Eric, named after Simon’s dad, on Valentine’s Day. Lauren, as you may recall, was married to a good friend of Simon’s not terribly long ago, proving that if you’re patient, you can marry a rich guy and eventually ditch him for one of his richer, more famous pals. (What. We’re not Danielle Steele here.)
An “insider” (aka someone who works in the Us Weekly mailroom) reports, “They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!” Whatever. GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF JORDAN CATALANO, WHORE.
Okay, that’ll do for now. More soon, promise. Kisses.