You Will Now Watch Tila Tequila Have (Bigoted) Sex

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

This bra doubles as an anti-illuminati slingshot.

When erstwhile reality star Tila Tequila began ranting about how she believes Hitler did nothing wrong, it wasn’t difficult to read between the lines and figure out something else was coming. If that was your inclination, you were right, because Operation Shock and Disgust has ultimately lead up to the release of a brand new Tila sex tape (that you will grudgingly watch but not admit to).

TMZ reports Tila’s taking a page from the Farrah Abraham book of tricks and releasing a “very hardcore” sex tape. Unlike her previous tape, featuring a gaggle of vapid women, this one features a dude.

Meanwhile, she’s doubled down on Facebook posts about how the Jews, the New World Order and the Illuminati are out to attack her massive, uninformed  breasts. Here is one such post:

I TOLD YOU… THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I AM SHE. TILISIS AND THESE ARE GOD’S WARNINGS & MESSAGES TO THE PEOPLE. I SPEAK THE TRUTH & THEY WANT TO SLANDER GOD’S TRUTH? THAT IS OK BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY ARE SPREADING GOD’S MESSAGE ALBEIT UNWITTINGLY!! GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND WE SHALL BE VICTORIOUS!!!! – Tilisis

And honestly, who doesn’t want to see god’s messenger get nailed in an abandoned house in the San Fernando Valley?

Tune in next week when we run a DNA test on the dude she bones in the sex tape and discover he’s a secret Jewish ninja trying to stop her from giving up the secrets of International Banking. With his penis.

Science! With Tila Tequila!

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Tila Tequila is known for many things. Most of them involve making an ass of herself on VH1 and bikinis. But what you may not have known is that she’s an avid cosmologist, explaining trying to  explain our universe’s deepest mysteries on her Facebook:

None of the astronomers can figure out why our Moon is there since it doesn’t belong, but that’s because it used to be one of Nibiru’s Moons before it crashed into Earth leaving the debris in what is now known as the “Asteroid Belt.” – What’s interesting is that history does tend to repeat itself. It’s like everything is just looping, however that is all about to change. The Earth will once again split into 2 but not exactly in the way that you may think. Starting this month all the way to 2014 is going to be a lot of interesting events play out that we have yet to witness. It will be the most painful transition for the sleepers because of the drastic changes. Then we get to “level up.” – well.. some of us. This isn’t the first time Earth is gong through a wormhole, but I guess a lot of people don’t really care about anything until the last minute????? WHY!??!!?

So we were originally going to contact Lawrence Krauss, renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist, to weigh in here but we ultimately figured he was busy with hardcore science-y stuff.

So, in layman’s terms: the moon was formed when a body the size of Mars slammed into Earth, causing molten rock debris to fly into space, which then collected because of gravity and cooled to be the moon. That’s why the moon is there. Also, it isn’t going through a wormhole.

But, hey, Tila. We can’t wait for you to “level up.”  (We like video games, too.) And hopefully your interest in this parrots the interests of other reality stars. Tell Bret Michaels we want him to write a post about loop quantum gravity.